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Barbi
“Is that all?”I can’t help but laugh. “Honestly, I don’t know what happened, or why I…” I struggle to find the words to describe all the thoughts spinning in my head; all the emotions I feel.
“Just to be clear, because it needs to be said. All I did was open a door. There are things we can explore, if that’s what we chose to do, but it’s up to you whether you step through that doorway. Right now, I want to know why you sent the text. What fears were you running from?”
“I don’t know what I’m really afraid of. My heart screamed to let you in, but…” I nibble at my lower lip, unsure how to explain.
“But?”
“My gut screams caution?” It’s the best I have right now.
“And why is that?”
“My impulse is to run.”
“From what? Did I do something that hurt you? Triggered you?”
Torn between my fear of getting hurt and the desire to not only rekindle what we shared, but desperately needing to explore what just happened between us, my tongue finds itself tied in knots.
Alec senses my unease and guides me down to the floor where dozens of cushions litter the space. We sit across from each other, and in the quietness of the moment, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head and says, “That’s not enough.” The harshness of his tone stings my heart like a whip crack. “If we’re going to be together, open with each other, we need to be brutally honest. If we’re going to explore any more of dominance and control…” He points to where he fucked me against the wall. “Then we need to be completely honest. I believe I know why you sent the text—you needed to protect yourself—but you hurt us both. What I need to understand is what you needed to protect yourself from?”
“I don’t know what to say…” I hold out a hand, as if I can push him away. The thing is, there’s no stopping Alec.
“Talk to me about that text. Someone hurt you in the past. Our relationship started hot and heavy with the sex up front and center, and it kept on going with the physical side far outweighing the emotional entanglements of a couple. I’ve thought about it a lot since your text. If you think we can’t build on that kind of a beginning, I get it, but I disagree. I haven’t thought of, or been with, another woman since the day you and I met. Not to brag, but that’s not like me. It’s not like me because I’ve never met one woman I want to spend all my time with. The sex is great, but it’s just frosting on the cake. The power dynamic we just explored?” He leans in toward me. “That’s a bit of chocolate sprinkles and gold dusting the cake. It adds flavor and flair, but it’s just topping what’s already there. I want to be with you. As a couple.” He once again points to the wall where he spanked, then fucked me. “You’re the cake, and I want you with, or without, the sprinkles on top.”
“I’m sorry, I…”
“I’m not finished. Let me get this out, and then you can talk. My job…” He wraps his hands behind his back and stares at the floor. “My duties as a Guardian—they’re complicated. Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell you everything. There are things about my job I can’t share. Things that would be dangerous to you if you knew about them. I’m not hiding anything from you. Not responding to your texts didn’t mean I was pulling away and I’m sorry I didn’t have time to explain any of this to you earlier. I should have, and that’s my mistake. I apologize for putting you in a position to doubt my feelings for you. It wasn’t fair. The mission is what it is, and I don’t dictate what I can and can’t do when I’m in the middle of one.” He pauses, studying my face, as if searching for a reaction. “I’ll try to be as open as possible going forward, but I can’t guarantee I can tell you everything. If that’s not something you can live with, I get it and while not happy about it, I’ll walk away. You won’t have to see me again. But if you do want to continue seeing me, if you want to explore more of that…” Again, he gestures to the wall, “Then I want to explore that with you. Bottom line, however, is that I want you.”
I glance down at the rug beneath my bare feet. To be honest, I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed I never gave him the space to explain, but I still fear what can happen to him on the job.
“What if something happens to you?” I blink against a sudden rush of tears. My fear that something horrible will happen to him is too real. Too difficult to ignore.
“What do you mean?” He leans forward and takes my hands in his.
“If you get hurt?” My voice sounds small and terrified. If anything were to ever happen to Alec, and I let him into my heart, I don’t know if I’ll recover from that kind of loss.
“I did get hurt.” He lifts the hand missing its fourth and fifth digits. “You never asked me about this.”
“I didn’t know how, and then it no longer mattered.”
“I lost those fingers in an explosion over a year ago. Bravo stepped into a boobytrapped cargo container. We nearly lost Bravo-One. Rafe, as you know, lost his lower leg. We all have scars. My job is dangerous, but I’m well trained and can handle myself. Part of being a Guardian is knowing how to survive, evade, resist, and escape danger. I’ve been trained by the best, as a U.S. Navy SEAL and then again as a Guardian. I’m well-equipped to handle anything that comes my way. I promise, I’ll do everything in my power to stay safe—not just for me, but for us.”
“Us?” I peek up at him through my lashes. “How can you forgive me for what I did?”
“The moment I spanked you, and you accepted it, is the moment I forgave you. It’s water under the bridge. We need to talk more about what happened, what it means, and so much more, but the moment you opened yourself to me was the moment I forgave you.”
Tears prick at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I stare at him, struggling to process what he’s sharing. Reevaluating the choices I made.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Why would you say that?” His brows pinch together in confusion.
“The reason I did what I did sounds so stupid now.”
“You’re too harsh to judge yourself.”