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When I ask Rafe and Hayes, they say he’s on a mission, but if that’s the case, why not call me and give me a head’s up?
Instead, I’m left to wonder why? Why doesn’t he call?
Don’t I deserve one measly phone call?
Here I am considering pursuing a relationship, but he doesn’t have the decency to let me know how long he’ll be gone?
What I hate the worst about my state of mind, what I absolutely detest, is how he consumes my thoughts. The deep conversations we shared late into the night, and all the passionate moments we spent wrapped in each other’s arms make me believe he’s interested in me beyond a casual hookup, but that niggling voice in my head whispers something else.
That I mean nothing to him.
That I’m not worthy of love.
This is why I don’t date. It’s why I need to end things with Alec before he can end them with me. My heart aches when I consider walking away from our budding relationship, but it’s not like we’ve professed some great love to each other.
The vulnerability I feel when it comes to Alec terrifies me, because it speaks to a need deep within me. I may pretend I don’t want to date and only the physical part matters, but it’s a lie.
I crave a deeper connection; something like what Carmen and Rafe share and what’s between Rosalie and Hayes. But is it worth the risk to allow myself to feel so deeply for a man who can’t be bothered to call?
As I continue to pace, I can’t shake the feeling there is more to Alec’s disappearance than meets the eye. His loyalty and directness have been unwavering throughout our time together, and it doesn’t make sense he would simply disappear without explanation.
“Maybe there’s more to the story?” I speak out loud to fill the silence. I’m determined to know the truth, desperate not to allow my fear of being hurt again drive me.
With my heart pounding, I vow to find Alec and confront him about his disappearance.
My thoughts wander to Steffen, my first boyfriend. Memories of our tumultuous relationship flood back, each memory piercing my heart with the familiar sting of pain and betrayal. I still feel the weight of his cold, indifferent gaze, and his harsh words echoing in my ears. The rush of emotions that once consumed me now seem like a distant storm, but the scars remain, just as raw and tender as the day he destroyed me.
How long will I allow the ghost of Steffen to haunt me? Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I shake my head, trying to dispel the unwelcome memories. It’s not fair to compare them. Alec is nothing like Steffen.
I take a deep breath, considering the possibility that my unresolved trauma is clouding my judgment, and wonder… Can I trust myself to make the right decision about Alec, or will I only be repeating the mistakes of my past?
Steffen never understood me. He dismissed my dreams and aspirations, scoffing at my thirst for knowledge and my desire to become a lawyer. But Alec… He sees me for who I truly am. He encourages me, challenges me. And when we’re together, it feels like love can conquer anything.
It hits me suddenly, as I reflect on the contrast between the two men. Alec represents everything Steffen wasn’t—loyal, protective, and fiercely passionate. If I allow fear to dictate my future, I’ll only be denying myself the chance to experience the love and happiness that had evaded me for so long.
It’s way past time to face my fears and embrace the unknown.
But one day becomes two. Two days turns into a week. I stare at the screen of my phone, willing it to light up with a message from Alec. But nothing comes. The silence mocks me, a cruel reminder that men can’t be trusted.
“Where are you?” I whisper into the void, my voice barely audible as my hands tremble with fear and frustration. “Damn it, Alec. You asked me to trust you. How am I supposed to make sense of this?”
“Barbi?” I spin around, startled by the intrusion, but it’s only Kaye. “Who are you talking to?”
I glance at my watch and my eyelids pull back. “What are you doing coming home at two in the morning? Don’t tell me you’ve been at the library. It closes at midnight.”
Kaye doesn’t look me in the eye. Instead, she shuffles into the living room and drops onto a couch. “Did Alec call?” She completely sidesteps my question.
“If he called, I wouldn’t be here.” I can’t help the bitterness dropping off my tongue. Kaye flinches and I wince. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snark at you.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. It’s not okay.” I slide into one of the chairs facing her. “I don’t like feeling like this. Angry because a boy didn’t call me.” I slump back and stare at the ceiling. “I’m a needy, clingy bitch and hate myself for it.”
Kaye gives voice to the inner turmoil that’s plagued me for days. “Have you asked Rafe and Hayes? Or Zeb if they know where Alec is?”
“All they say is he’s off on a mission.”
“With Bravo team?”