Page 16

His fingers tighten on the railing, his knuckles blanching. I watch him from the corner of my eye, afraid to fully look at him. He grinds his teeth, the muscles in his jaw clenching as he lets out another breath. The silence is fucking deafening, but I don’t know where to start.

I don’t know what to say.

“Tell me how this happened,” he says quietly, his eyes laser focused on something in the distance. I try to follow his gaze, but there’s only a line of trees along the front perimeter of the property. “Tell me how you had my child and I’m just now finding out about him.”

There’s nothing malicious in his tone. If anything, there’s desperation and sadness. Like he’s been searching for the answers for years, only to come up empty handed.

“It was almost two months after that night that I found out I was pregnant.” I pause, letting out a shallow breath, my heart knocking against my ribcage as I attempt to collect myself. “My cycles have always been irregular and I was so busy with school that I hadn’t even noticed. I took a pregnancy test just as a precaution and it was positive.”

Carson still doesn’t look at me. “And there was no one else?”

“No,” I tell him, my voice soft as I shake my head. “I was there that night with a friend to blow off some steam and after that, I got on a flight back to Rome and was immersed in my studies.”

He slowly turns his head to look at me. “What were you studying?”

Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I bite down, dragging them over my flesh before releasing it. “Ancient History.” I let out a soft laugh. “It’s a very niche degree and there’s an amazing program in Rome for it.”

His forehead creases. “Are you living in the states now?”

My lips purse and I nod. “When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to find you. A quick search on the internet brought you up as a player for the Aston Archers, but I couldn’t reach you through your social media accounts.” I let out a defeated sigh, and shake my head as I shrug my shoulders. “I tried to get a hold of you and everything I tried was a dead-end...”

It’s like a dagger in my chest as I think back to that time in my life.

He stares at me for a second, all the hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion written on his face. “You knew where I was, though. You could have come and found me in person.”

“What was I supposed to do, Carson? Show up at a hockey game with a hand written sign that says ‘I’m pregnant and the baby is yours’?” I let out a harsh snort, the air rough against the inside of my nostrils. “I didn’t know if you were married or had a girlfriend. I knew nothing about your life.”

Abruptly releasing the railing, he takes a step back, pushing both of his hands through his hair as he grips the top of his head. “Fuck,” he mutters, shaking his head as he blows out a breath and looks back at me. “He’s five years old, Andi. Five fucking years old.” His face contorts. “How long were you going to let this go without me knowing?”

Shit.

My heart stalls in my chest and I stare back at him, my lips parting. I quickly shut them, emotion and guilt washing over me as I tilt my head to the side in a silent apology. “I don’t know.” I close my eyes, dropping my head. “I didn’t think you would want to know,” I whisper as I lift my head again. “Your career has been amazing and I didn’t want to throw a wrench in your life at all.”

The muscle in his jaw tightens. “Goddammit,” he mutters again, his shoulders deflating. “I hate it and I’m fucking pissed, but goddammit, I get it. I fucking get it.” His head moves from side to side in disappointment. “That doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I understand the logic behind the choices you made...the choices you made for all three of us.”

“I’m sorry, Carson,” I say in a rush, my heart crawling into my throat as I turn to face him, my hands clasping together in front of my body. “I never meant to hurt you by it. I just did what I thought was right.”

He’s silent again, his eyes not leaving me as he slowly searches my face. My heart beats erratically, the sound of my blood pumping filling my ears as I keep my gaze locked on his.

“It’s okay,” he finally says, in resignation. His expression is filled with such conflict, I’m overcome with an overwhelming amount of guilt. This is all my fault. He’s right—if I would have just come back sooner. If I would have found him in person, we could have saved all this time and all this pain. “There’s nothing we can do about what has already been done.”

“Where do we go from here?”

His throat bobs as he swallows roughly. “I’d like to get a paternity test done and if he is mine, I want to be a part of his life, however that may look.”

“I don’t live in Aston, Carson. I live in Starling Ridge” Another wave of remorse feels like it’s going to sweep me under. My hometown is two hours away. “How will we make it work?”

“I don’t know, Andi. I don’t know what the fuck any of this will look like, but if he is my child, I want to be in involved in his life.” He lets out a breath, his eyes falling shut before he looks at me again. “I want to be his father and be the father he deserves.”

“What about—” I start, but he abruptly cuts me off.

“We will figure it out, okay?” He takes a step closer to me. I’m caught off guard when his warm, soft hands find mine, squeezing them gently. The tenderness in his gaze as he stares down at me takes me by complete surprise. “Please let me be in his life. I don’t care what I have to do to make that happen, but please don’t keep him from me any longer.”

My eyes burn as tears blur my vision. I never expected him to be this invested, for him to take such an interest like this. Having a child will only complicate his life, especially with it being devoted to his career. I don’t know if he understands what all goes into being a parent, but he seems eager to step up to the challenge.

“I’m sorry I never came to find you.”

“Shh,” he murmurs, lifting one hand to catch my tears with the pad of his thumb. He brushes them away, his eyes slowly searching mine. “What’s done is done.” He pauses, a soft breath escaping him. “We can’t go back, we can’t change anything that has happened. All we can do is move forward and not repeat the mistakes of our past.”