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I shrug helplessly. But then, through my mortification, I realize that Second Aunt has given us the perfect opening. Now, while everyone is distracted by the Tai Chi, is our chance. I go to the other side of the table and whisper to Fourth Aunt, “Can you distract Lilian somehow? Stop her from eating?”
Fourth Aunt nods, squaring her shoulders and cracking herneck. “Leave it to me, kid.” She walks away, each step conveying confidence. I walk back to my seat.
“So, not to be judgy or anything,” Nathan says, “but I’ve hosted about half a dozen Chinese-Indonesian weddings at the hotel, and none of them has involved Tai Chi.”
“Well, none of them has had Second Aunt in it,” I point out weakly.
“True...”
“Come on, everyone, stand up!” Second Aunt says again.
Chris stands up, looking like a terrified kid, and who can blame him? Annie’s hand shoots out and lands on his arm with unforgiving firmness. She glares at him and says, “Have you forgotten what happened the last time you followed this malarkey?”
Part of me bristles at her calling Tai Chi “malarkey.” I guess it’s the whole “I can call my mom a bitch, but you can’t call my mom a bitch” thing. Except I would never, ever think to call Ma a bitch, or even think it in my own head. Even thinking about thinking about calling her a bitch makes me grimace.
Okay, get a grip and focus on the real issue. Which is that Second Aunt is providing us with the perfect opportunity to get Lilian away from her potentially-very-probably-poisoned cutlery, and we’re not exactly doing anything about it. Well, Fourth Aunt is. Though I have no idea what she’s planning on doing, exactly.
“Hello, test, test,” Second Aunt says, her voice booming across the vast dining hall. Oh god, she’s gone up onto the stage and grabbed hold of a mic. “Hello, testing one, two...”
“We can hear you!” Big Aunt snaps, her voice coming out almost as loud as Second Aunt’s despite the lack of a microphone.
“Oh, is working? Okay, good.” Second Aunt looks acrossthe hall and seems to realize that she’s the subject of everybody’s attention for the first time. “Oh.” She falters. My heart thumps so hard in my chest I swear it cracks a rib. She’s going to choke. She’s going to get stage fright, and oh my god, so much secondhand embarrassment—
But then a smile slowly takes over Second Aunt’s face, melting across it like ice cream, and quite suddenly, she’s beaming like a little kid. I guess it’s the weed in her system, but Second Aunt looks about ready to take over the world.
“Okay!” she says. “Woot!”
Oh my god, she really did just say, “Woot.” This is definitely the work of the marijuana. Just how much did Ma put in that dose?
“Tai Chi!” she cries. “We are doing the Tai Chi!” She is practically vibrating with excitement. I guess she’s always been dying for people to do Tai Chi with her, and now she has an entire dining hall full of hostages. “Starting position. Hands out like this, and then we parting the wild horse mane. We do slowly, the horse is wild horse, very easy to scare, yes. Oh yes, you in the front row, very good. You, the one in blue dress, you less good.”
I am staring with obvious horror at the spectacle before I realize that this is the time to do something, in the likely situation that Fourth Aunt fails to get Lilian to safety. With extreme effort, I manage to tear my gaze from the spectacle that is Second Aunt and look at Lilian’s table. My heart stops.
Her seat is empty. She’s nowhere near it. Shit, where has she gone? I scan the room, a lump forming in my throat, and release my breath when I spot Fourth Aunt and Lilian at the side of the stage. What are they doing? I stare hard at Fourth Aunt, willing her to look at me, and somehow, some little miracle happens and she actually does. She grins proudly and wiggles hereyebrows, cocking her head at Lilian as if to say,See what I did? Look! I got her!
I try my best to convey,Yes, great job, Fourth Aunt, but what’s the plan?
It’s kind of hard to get that across a room while half-heartedly doing Tai Chi—we’re now into White Crane Spreads Its Wings, apparently.
Fourth Aunt nods, then shakes her head and mouths a whole bunch of words I can’t make out. I frown at her and she mouths them with more exaggeration. I shake my head. This is hopeless.
A flash of movement catches my eye, and all the blood drains out of my head. It’s Staphanie, and she’s moving smoothly, silently, like a snake creeping through the grass toward its prey. Shit. What is she about to do? Have they figured out that this whole Tai Chi thing is just a ruse to buy us more time to save Lilian?
“Ma,” I whisper. Ma is doing Repulse Monkey with intense concentration, though she’s wobbling hard.
She looks up and I cock my head toward Staphanie. Ma’s mouth thins into a pinched line and she sidles over to Big Aunt. The two of them whisper to each other before leaving the table quietly.
“Will you please tell me what’s going on?” Nathan says in a low voice.
I don’t even spare him a glance. “I—please, just let me focus.”
Ma and Big Aunt stride over to Staphanie. My heart is beating so fast I think I might pass out. I struggle to keep breathing. I need to do something. I don’t know what Ma and Big Aunt have planned, but I can’t just leave my family to deal with the actual goddamn mafia on their own. What if Staphanie has a gun? Oh my god. Of course she does. She’s mafia! I grip the sideof the table hard. What do I do now? Do I scream? Do I bring everything crashing down? Will that just trigger Staphanie into action? What if I get Ma or Big Aunt hurt?
But when Ma and Big Aunt get to her, nothing happens. Words are exchanged, and then the three of them kind of just... stand there. Meanwhile, Second Aunt has come to the end of the Tai Chi session. “Very good!” she says, beaming at the crowd. “Maybe we do again—oh—” She’s interrupted by Fourth Aunt, who strides onto the stage with Lilian in tow. Fourth Aunt grabs the mic from Second Aunt and grins out at the audience.
“A round of applause for my very masterful sister!” Fourth Aunt calls out. There is a weak ripple of applause. “And now I have a treat for all of you. As you all must know, I am Mimi Chan, a well-known celebrity. I have performed for the likes of Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres.”
Even from where I’m standing, I can hear Ma’s snort of derision.