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“And then this guy, right, Meddy, this guy he throw someone in pig pen, waduh! And then he play music and wah, the pig all eat the guy!” Ma shudders. “You see, pig eat people, why not cow eat people?”
I recognize the movie description. “You watchedHannibal? That’s so unlike you. Anyway, yeah, pigs eat anything. They’re omnivores, like us. Cows are vegetarian.”
“Not bad idea,” Big Aunt says suddenly, looking up from her handkerchief for a second.
Second Aunt snorts and says, “Hah! You think not bad idea, you gila!” Ma shoots her an affronted look, and Second Aunt shrugs. “Sorry, San Mei, but yes, very silly idea. Cow, where got eat human? You drinking too much champagne already, bubble go to head.”
“Not that,” Big Aunt snarls. “Not cow eating human.” At the hurt look from Ma, Big Aunt softens her voice. “Sorry, San Mei. What I mean is, you know, I hear cow can kill human. Not eating them, no, but they can—what’s the word—you know, they run so fast and then bam! Running over the human, break all the bone, puncture all the organ, person die. Maybe we put Third Uncle inside meadow and chase cow to run over his body. People think, oh, he just climb into meadow and get running over by cow, so he die, the end.”
Huh. That... might not be a bad idea. No, wait, what amI saying? It’s a terrible idea! We’re literally talking about murdering someone via cow! That’s just not—that’s not—no.
“We can’t kill him. Stop going straight for murder,” I hiss at them in a low voice. People are still aiming their cellphones at us as we pass by.
Fourth Aunt waves regally at them before saying, “Can’t we just throw him in the river like we decided before?”
“We didn’t decide on anything, and stop saying that so loud.” I switch to Indonesian. “And did you guys forget the—ugh, what’s the word—the other men in the room at Christ Church? Killing Third Uncle still leaves us with the other two.”
“Yes, but at least it’s two and not three. We can get rid of the other two later,” Fourth Aunt points out. “Easier to get rid of two bodies than three, my dear.”
Even Ma is nodding at this.
“I can’t—no. No! Stop trying to talk me into killing any of them.” We finally arrive at the college and I catch sight of Staphanie, standing outside the enormous college gates. I swear under my breath. Shit, shit. What do I do? “Guys, take Third Uncle and go—”
Staphanie spots us and hurries over. Fuck. Of course she’s spotted us. She’d have to be blindfolded not to spot us in the crowd. Oh my god, she’s going to see Third Uncle and she’s going to freak.
I scramble my mind for a solution as she closes the distance, but it’s too late. Before I can say anything to my family, Staphanie’s right in front of us, just a few feet away from her kidnapped uncle.
26
“There you are,” Staphanie says, slightly out of breath. “Listen, whatever you’ve done to Second Uncle—”
“Whatever we’ve done to what?” Fourth Aunt says in her normal voice, by which I mean she’s basically shouting.
Staphanie looks like she’s on the verge of tears. “I really hope you haven’t done anything stupid.”
“What stupid? Why you say that?” Ma says.
Staphanie shakes her head and her gaze flicks from us to Third Uncle. Third Uncle, who’s knocked out and tied up in a wheelchair. I quickly step in front of him, covering him from view. Luckily, Staphanie doesn’t seem to recognize Third Uncle. She must be too distracted over Second Uncle’s disappearance.
“You were hinting about having done something to Second Uncle,” she says.
“Nope, you must’ve misheard.”
“Where were you just now?”
“Um, just now? We just came back from the Randolph.” My mind races through the words coming out of my mouth, checking each one to make sure it’s an okay thing to say.
Staphanie’s brows snap together. “The Randolph? Why?”
“Uh—”
“Staphanie,” Ma says, stepping uncomfortably close to Staphanie, who leans back as far as she can. Ma gets right in her face, squinting up at her sternly. I’m pretty sure neither Staphanie nor I am breathing right now. “You got very good skin. Like South Korean star.”
My breath comes out in a whoosh.
“Uh. What’s going on?” Staphanie says.
“My family’s a bit drunk,” I say apologetically.