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“Why me?” Fourth Aunt says.
Because you’re the one most likely to be able to actually kill another human, I want to say. But of course, I can’t say that in front of Lilian, so instead, I just say, “Please, Fourth Aunt? I’ll explain later.”
She sighs, pursing her lips.
“Um, maybe I should go,” Lilian says.
Instantly, all of us turn to her and say, “NO!”
She starts, eyes as wide as a caught rabbit’s. “Um...”
“You’re such good company,” Fourth Aunt says, taking Lilian’s arm and leading her away. “Come, let’s get more champagne, eh?”
My family gathers around me and I lead them away from the crowd. As soon as we’re out of earshot of everyone, I say, “I messed up. I was trying to be all mafia-like and I kind of hinted to Staphanie that we might have done something to Second Uncle.” I wince even as I hear the words I’m saying. God, how could I have been so dumb?
Instead of the scolding I’d expected, my aunts and mother simply nod patiently.
“Is not bad idea,” Big Aunt says. “Might be scare them.”
“Yeah, well, I think it’s scared them into doing something! I just saw Ama talking to Third Uncle, and then he went off looking all determined. What if she’s sent him to do something really bad like, I don’t know, set off a bomb or something?”
“Choi, touch wood!” Ma cries.
“Meddy, why you think got bomb?” Big Aunt says.
I pause. Why would I think there’s a bomb? It seems so ridiculous now that I stop to actually consider it. I shrug. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s probably not a bomb? I just know they’re up to something bad, and I don’t know how we can figure out what they’re plotting. I feel like they’ve been one step ahead of us this entire time. They’ve had months to plan this. We’ve only hadone night to come up with a plan to stop them, and now we’ve somehow got those two uncles tied up in the bedroom—”
I choke on this, unable to say the ridiculous words.
“This Ama, she is boss lady,” Big Aunt says.
“Yes, we need overthrow boss lady,” Second Aunt says snidely, side-eyeing Big Aunt.
Big Aunt frowns at her. “What you mean by that?”
“Oh, nothing. Just saying if we want taking them down, then we go for snake head. Cut it off.” She holds up a hand and mimes cutting something with her second and middle fingers while glaring meaningfully at Big Aunt.
Big Aunt’s chest balloons. “Oh, you want to cut snake head, ya? You think you can cut it off and thenyoubecome the snake head?”
I step in between them and give Big Aunt a terrified smile. “Second Aunt’s talking about Ama, that’s all. Right, Second Aunt? Right. Okay, so anyway, back to the problem at hand. We need to throw them off somehow. Like, maybe if we could get them to drink too much champagne—”
It’s as though a light switch just clicked on inside me. Now I know why they call it a “light bulb moment.” Everything really does feel brighter all of a sudden.
“Ma! I got it!”
Ma beams with pride. “Ah, I know you will figure something, you such a smart girl, ya?”
“I need your weed.”
Ma’s smile freezes on her face. Her gaze moves from side to side, going from Big Aunt to Second Aunt and back to me. “Weed, apa?”
“Come on, Ma. That marijuana you gave the groomsmen at Jacqueline and Tom Cruise’s wedding, remember? The ones that got them high out of their minds?”
Ma titters nervously. “Aduh, Meddy, I not know what you talking about. I not take any of that anymore, especially since you tell me they are—what you call it—happy drug?”
“Recreational drugs.”
“Oh yes, that. No, I don’t bring, I don’t drink anymore, of course not!” she warbles.