Page 71

I wished he had come to me first, we could have talked about this, we could have fixed it ourselves.

We could have left and started over if he really wanted things to change. Cyprus had given me that same out not long ago, she had asked about leaving and starting over. I hadn't taken the time to really listen to her because it was burned into my brain that this was my life, it wasourlife.

I never imagined that it was something we could change, the thought had never crossed my mind that it could ever be a plausible option for our family to just pick and leave.

And now that was all I could focus on.

Standing in front of me, my father rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Let me do this, it's what I need to do. For you, for Cyprus. . . for your mother. I don't want to be this anymore, I'm ready.”

I felt like a boy again, small and weak beneath my father. My eyes started water, and I felt a single tear drop free. If he did this, I knew I'd never see him again. We'd never have another holiday together, he'd never be a grandfather to my children.

My head was shaking, telling him not to do it. All he had to do was allow himself to see the pain that this decision was going to cause.

Don't! Please don't do this!

But I could see it in his eyes; this wasn't up to me. This was his choice; his salvation from his demons, his healing for the suffering he had caused; he was saving us.

It was written all over his face. He was giving himself to set us free, my father was selflessly feeding himself to lions to clean our souls. My father was about to give up everything for the ones he loved.

I understand. . . I know what you're doing.

Nodding, I asked. “What do you need from me?”

“Nothing, just live your life, Birch. Do everything and anything you've ever wanted. When you were little I used to imagine that you'd grow up and be just like me, but it's not what I thought it would be at all. I want more for you and Cyprus, I want you two to live your own life, not mine.” Smiling, he shifted on his feet to face the detectives. “Alright, let's go.”

The detective rose up off the couch and wrapped his hand around my father's arm, guiding him towards the door. Glancing at me over his shoulder, he said, “Tell Cyprus to call me.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his card and handed it to me behind his back. “I know she's got questions, and I have a few answers I need to give her.”

I didn't answer him, simply giving him an understanding nod. Following them to the front door, I stood there and watched them put my father in the back of the cruiser. My chest was a mix of hot and cold as I breathed in and cursed everything he was about to do.

Nothing will ever be the same.

I'm losing the my father just like I lost my mother. There will never be a future for us again.

That thought shifted something deep in my gut, it forced me to finally understand the loss Cyprus had been dealing with for all these years. I thought I understood what she felt, I thought I could give her what she was missing.

I've been lying to myself.

My father was wrong for everything that he had done. He could never fix her, no matter how much he wanted to.

Because we were never truly hers to begin with. And nothing could ever replace the bond between a child and their parents.

Fingers startled me as Cyprus crept up behind me and curled herself into my back. “What's happening? Where are they taking him?”

“He's giving them what they want.” My father's eyes stayed on mine as the car pulled away. “And I think he's actually relieved about finally ending all of this.”

“I'm sorry, Birch. I'm sorry I caused this.”

“No,” I barked, twisting on my heels and cupping her small round face. “Don't you ever apologize for a damn thing. You didn't cause this, he chose it.”

“I just feel like it's my fault, I kinda lost it.”

Holding her face in my hands, my brows knitted. “You deserved the truth from the very beginning. We both lied to you, you have the right to feel the way you do.”

“So what happens now?” Her fingers teased the hem of my shirt, eyes glassy and lost.

Pulling her head into my chest, I wrapped my arms around her back. “We just keep going.”

“What will we do?” I felt her voice as it ruffled my shirt and the warmth of her breath as it heated my skin.