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Chapter Thirteen

Birch

I'm not a man.

Sitting by the pool, I let my feet dangle in the icy cold water. I had so many things I wanted to say to her, but I said none of them.

Cyprus locked herself away in our room after leaving the woods, refusing to even acknowledge that I was at the door. She wouldn't answer me when I called her name, she didn't yell at me to go away or tell me to go fuck myself.

I wish she had. That hurt more than any of the cuss words she could have thrown my way. Not hearing her voice, not having her scream at me that I was a dick or an asshole, that I could go fuck myself over and over; that silence was so much harder to take.

Fuck! Why the hell didn't I make her listen?

I let her down. . .

Hanging my head, I cupped my face in my palms and growled to myself. I was so frustrated that I had never once over the years told her the truth.

I fucking should have, she deserved to know.

“Did you tell her?” my father asked, forcing me to lift my head.

“No, she doesn't want to hear it from me or anyone else. She wants to learn it on her own. I just have no fucking clue what she knows already, she won't say shit.”

“Can you blame her?” Crouching down beside me, he swung his feet around and slipped them into the pool. “She obviously knows enough to know we took everything from her—”

“Youtook her everything from her, not me. I helped to save her.”

“Think of it however you want, but we're both at fault here. I might have done the shit that led us to all of this, but you. . .” Pointing his finger at me, he cocked his head. “You're the one she loves. She could give a shit about me and what I did, but you're the one she trusted the most, you're the one she gave her heart to.”

My eyes turned to slits, unable to believe that he had the nerve to put any of this on me. I was a damn child when everything happened. I had no say, I had no voice or control in what he decided to do.

I did as I was told. Period.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I helped her, I helped remove the pain. I didn't cause that shit, you did.”

“It's like this, your mother and I didn't always agree on everything. But no matter what I did, as long as she heard it from me first, eventually she got over it. Cyprus is hurt because you never told her the truth, it doesn't matter what your intentions were; saving her, hurting her—right now, it all looks the same in her eyes.”

“You told me not to, you're the one who told me to keep my mouth shut. So I did. Who was I supposed to give my loyalty to, you or her?”

“Birch,” my father said, reaching out and gripping my shoulder. “When you're a child things are different. Yes, I expected you to keep your mouth shut, but you're a grown man now, it's time for you to decide what you tell her and what you don't.” Patting my back, he climbed to his feet. Looking up at him, his eyes were full and tender, with more sincerity than I had ever seen before. “You know what you need to do, you don't need me to tell you anymore.”

He started walking away, but I stopped him. “Wait,” I said, holding out my hand. “You know you never really told me why before.”

“Why what?” he asked, keeping his head forward.

“Why all of this happened, why you did what you did.”

His eyes peeked at me over his shoulder, his back expanding as he took in a deep breath. There was a pause before he started speaking again, like he was thinking long and hard about how much he wanted me to know.

“I wanted power. At the time I told myself it was for you and your mother, but it wasn't. It was easier for me to lie to myself back then, but not now, not since your mom was ripped away from me. I was a selfish prick, and it took the death of your mother for me to see it.” Dropping his face into his chest, his voice fell quiet. “I got lost along the way, forgetting who I was fighting for. I didn't know Frank had a daughter, if I did, things would have ended differently. After you were born, I promised your mother I wouldn't ever do that, that I'd never purposefully go out and hunt a man with a family. And I hadn't up until then. It was something I took pride in, the one thing I always weighed when I made decisions in this business. Children need their parents when they're young. But I was too greedy to fucking care in the moment. I didn't stop myself, and I could have. I used him, I used him to feel bigger, to feel like I had all the control. I went looking for a fight, when I didn't really need to. I knew he needed the money more than me, but I didn't care, I wanted what was mine. . .”

I didn't say a word, I just sat and listened to him talk to me in a way he never had before. My father had always been straight to the point. He was cutthroat, I had seen him kill without questions.

He never admitted guilt or sorrow, he never owned his mistakes. He always stood by his choices.

But this, this was him finally speaking the truth. For the first time in his life he was actually speaking from his heart and not from his fucking balls.

Exhaling, he reached up and scratched his head. “When I saw her crying under that bed, I didn't know what to do. I tried, I did my best to fix her. I fucked up, that's what I did instead. Your mother forgave me, and not because I took care of someone who could destroy us and tear our family apart if he went to the cops, but because I told her what I had done. I promised her I would make it right. . .” Grunting, he stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Just don't forget who you're fighting for, Birch, she's worth more than all the pride in the world.”