Page 18

“The drop is suppose to be at four, so about twenty minutes.” Placing his chin on the top of my head, Birch held me tight. “I don't want you to worry, I'll make sure nothing happens to you. I would never let you get hurt, Cyprus, not ever.”

That's not what I'm concerned about.

I'm not worried about physical pain.

Tilting my head, I forced our eyes to connect. “I know, I'm not worried about getting hurt, Birch. I'm more worried about how I'll come out after.” Swirling a single finger around his chest, I furrowed my brows. “I don't know if I can handle seeing this side of it. If things go bad, and I see someone die, if I see you die—”

“Cyprus,” he said, his voice low and thick. “Everyday I play Russian roulette, you can't control that—not with what we do. Nothing that happens would be your fault. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Trust me, you'll be fine. This is how shit goes, this is just how it is.”

Is it? Is this all there is for us?

“Does it have to be this way? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry every time you step foot out that door?”

“What are you talking about?”

Teasing a crinkle in his shirt, I pressed it flat, running my fingertips over his stomach. “What if we did something else? We could do that, couldn't we? Start over, start fresh, none of this weighing us down. . .” Pausing, I searched his face for understanding.

Just hear me, just listen to me.

I wanted him to understand why I felt this way. The thought of losing him, of losing another family to something we could control, I wasn't sure that was what I wanted. It was a thought that had popped into my head after what happened with Antoine, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

When Valentina passed, we all knew it was coming. There was months between her finding out about the cancer that was eating her soul and her actual death. It wasn't an easy thing, and I'm not trying to make it sound like it was.

But there was a difference. There was a mental preparation for the end that was coming. Any death of a loved one was a horrible thing to go through, but a sudden death, one that came in a blink of an eye, without warning. . . There was something different about it.

I had already lost one family in a flash, I couldn't bear the thought of losing another.

Giving me a confused look, his brows scrunched into the bridge of his nose. “Why would we want to do that?”

Shrugging my shoulder, I kept my eyes on his chest. “What if we have kids one day? Is this the life you want them to have?”

Taking in a deep breath, Birch pinched my chin and lifted my eyes to his. “This is what I know, Cyprus, this is all I know. And I'm damn good at it—” Holding my face, his gaze stayed firmly planted on mine.“You'redamn good at it. Leaving isn't an option, running away is out of the question.” Drawing his lips paper thin, his lids lowered. “Do you realize what you're asking me?”

Yes. . . No. . . I don't know.

I was afraid of what I was becoming. I thought and felt nothing when I had my gun on Collin and was strangling Antoine. It scared me. I wasn't sure this was who I was supposed to be.

Did I want to be a crazed maniac, trigger happy and heartless?

Did I want the Grim Reaper to be following everyone I loved, waiting for the gavel to drop?

Death was literally waiting for you on the other side of that door in this world. I was still young, and one day I wanted to have a family of my own. Was this the life I wanted to give them? Would it be fair for them to not know if their parents would come home alive or dead?

That entire incident had gotten me thinking about the loss I dealt with everyday, and how much it hurt to not have my real family.

Yes, I had Birch and the family his father had allowed me to be a part of, and I was grateful for that. But it wasn't the same, even though I wanted it to be.

Was I a born killer? Was it really that easy for me to just take someone out because they said something I didn't like? Is that the example I wanted to set for my future children?

They've been there for me. Despite this life, we are a family.

So what makes this life any worse than the rest?

Nothing.

I had to stop living with all this hurt. I had to stop dwelling on what wasn't there and accept what was. This was my family, that was all that mattered. Family didn't have to be blood tied, it came from love and nurturing. It was built off endless trust and knowing who had your back when you were down.

That's what I had here.