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Chapter Four

Cyprus

Rubbing my palms upand down my thighs, I sat in the car as Nick and Birch stood outside. Taking in deep breaths, I felt the hard metal of the gun against the small of my back, and I was tempted to stuff it under the seat just so it wasn't there to taunt me.

What am I doing here?

Why did I agree to this?

My nostrils flared open wide as hot oxygen seeped into my nose. I could feel it as it trickled down the back of my throat like molasses and filled my lungs. I didn't want to be a part of this at all.

I said I'd do this. I can't turn my back on them.

Where would I be if they had done that to me?

Birch tapped my window and I flicked my head to look at him. Waving his hand, he nodded his head for me to come out. My hands felt like dead weight as I gripped the handle and popped the door open.

My nerves were on high alert, tempered by just my stubbornness to stay calm. This wasn't me, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was one of them; deep down, I knew I wasn't.

I was forcing something that wasn't there. On the outside I was a Rottera, but on the inside I was still that lost little girl, struggling to find her place in the world.

That place found you, you have to accept it.

“Let's do this.” Holding out his hand to me, I rested my fingers against his and let him help out. “You're worrying, stop worrying. Everything is going to go fine.” Kissing the back of my palm, he tangled our fingers together and squeezed. “Nothing is going to happen.”

Fuck, he can read me like a damn book.

Thinning my lips, I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, I know, I'm trying.”

Nick was standing at the back of the car, his gaze set out on the ocean. “You know the last time I watched the sunset was with your mother right after we found out she was sick.” His voice was soft and pained, full of all the loss still crippling him inside. “I haven't wanted to watch it since.”

Birch and I didn't respond, we walked up beside him and stared at the crashing waves and the giant orange globe in the sky. Nick's mouth was taut, his eyes glossed over as he battled with a memory I knew he would rather forget.

“It's not as pretty anymore,” he said, folding his hands in front of his waist. Taking in a heavy breath, Nick sighed. “Well, you two ready? Let's go get what's ours.”

He didn't look at either of us, he just started walking. His steps were strong, legs moving swiftly, determined to take him away from the sunset he despised.

Trailing a little behind him, I watched the sun as it set beneath the ocean, casting red and yellow shadows across the water. It was sad that something so beautiful could cause someone else so much pain.

A simple sunset was a reminder of death to him, it brought out feelings and emotions he couldn't bear to have, memories that I knew he wished weren't there.

To have to suffer that day after day, to know that with every sunset came loss, that broke my heart for him. In a way I was lucky that I didn't remember my family. I couldn't imagine having those images burned into my brain and having to relive them over and over again.

“Antoine should be here in a few minutes, I want you two set up over there,” Nick said, pointing to a small sand dune covered in tall grass. “Birch, you know the drill. Stay alert, have your gun out, and be ready for anything.”

Birch nodded and listened, waiting for him to run through each and every step. I tried to listen, but my head wasn't in it. I kept thinking of Valentina and wondering if she truly agreed with the life Nick had given them.

She never spoke ill of what her husband did, she never disapproved of her son's role and the dangers he might face. It was as if she put all her trust in her husband without a second thought.

I wished I could do the same, that I could stand there beside Birch and trust that everything would be fine.

“Cyprus?” Nick's voice cut through my thoughts, drawing me back to the present.

“Hm?” I asked, realizing that I hadn't heard a word he had said.

“Your gun, did you bring your gun?”

“Yeah, I brought it.”