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March 13, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today wasn't a good day, none of them have been. He hasn't let me out of this room at all. The man keeps telling me he will, but he doesn't.

These walls are a prison.

He keeps trying to tell me that he won't hurt me if I just listen, but I don't believe him. So I scream at him every time he comes in. I don't stop, I won't.

Today he told me his name, but I refuse to say it. He doesn't deserve it. I won't give him my voice in words, I won't let him forget what he stole from me. All he gets are my constant screams.

He tried to hold me so he could talk to me, but I don't want to hear what he's saying. He took my family from me, he took everything from me. I wished he had killed me instead, because this isn't living.

I feel like a rat trapped in a box, and my life has become a maze I'll never finish. There's no more home, not for me.

What am I supposed to do?

Please just give me something to hold onto, anything at all!

Everything hurts. My eyes hurt, my chest aches, my lungs feel like they're always on fire. And I can't stop it.

Whenever that man comes in I can't breathe, it's like his eyes grab hold of my lungs and suck the air right out of them. I swear he's trying to kill me, because this is torture.

I can't sleep, no matter how much I try, my eyes won't stay closed. Sometimes I think I'm having a heart attack, but it goes away after a little while. Most of the time I only feel that way when that man comes in.

He scares me. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me like he hurt my parents. The more I don't listen to him the angrier he gets. He grabs my shoulders and holds me still, barking at me to stop screaming.

He tried to talk to me about my dad and it made me so angry. I won't do that! He tried to tell me that my parents had gotten in over their heads, that none of this was supposed to happen.

He said he wants to make this better, that he wants to help me. How can he say things like that? He made it seem like none of this was his fault, but it is. He's the reason they're gone, he did this!

I want to be strong, I try so hard to not let him see how much I'm really hurting. I did everything I could to hold in my tears, but they came anyway. I hate the idea that he watched me cry like that. But even through my tears, the anger I felt intensified.

I hate him! I hate what he did! I hate him!

He made me so mad I lost it. I lashed out, I scratched his face and clawed at his eyes. I think I hurt him, because he hasn't come back again yet. Which is fine with me, I don't want him here, not if he's going to try and make me believe things that aren't true.

But I did meet someone different, a boy came in, he said his name was Birch. He's young, not old like the other guy. I think he's my age, it's hard to tell.

There's something about his eyes, the way he looks at me, it's like he feels bad for me. His eyes are different, they aren't dead and cold. It's like he wants to help me, but he doesn't know how.

At least he doesn't scare me. I don't know why he doesn't, I feel like I should be afraid of him. I should want to scream at him too, but for some reason, I don't. I actually want him to stay here with me, to keep me company, and talk to me even if I'm not talking back.

It doesn't matter what I think or how nice he is, he's one of them. I can't forget that, I won't forget that.

He's helping them to keep me here, so he can't be good.

He tried to give me some food, but I refuse to eat. I don't want anything from them. I'll die before I take one thing from these people.

He told me that if I calm down things will get better. All I have to do is follow their rules, do what I'm told and I won't have to stay locked in this room.

I want to believe him, but I don't trust him. He's in too deep to be my friend, he's probably not even here by choice either. Maybe he used to be like me? Maybe he was in the same position and that's how he knows all this?

A part of me really wants to think he's speaking the truth, I do.

I just don't know what to believe. All I know is that I don't want to stay in here forever.

What do you think? Should I trust him?