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“Hi,” I said.

“I’ve been worried about you. You haven’t called me back, and when I text, the most you say is that you’re okay.”

“I wasn’t ready to talk. Losing my mother and my marriage in the same week isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. Can you meet for lunch today?”

“When?”

“Now.”

I told her I was across the street from Friendly’s, and she said she could be there in fifteen minutes. Friendly’s was known for ice cream, but it had pretty good food, especially when you were looking for something fried. The restaurant wasn’t crowded, as it was early for lunch and too early for ice cream. I didn’t want to be that person sitting all alone in a booth, so instead I waited for her on a bench outside. Bad thoughts about what I’d done to my marriage and how much I’d hurt Jim were smashing into each other in my head and making me dizzy. I wasn’t good at meditating, but I thought it was worth a try. I breathed in and out slowly and settled on a mantra. “This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass. …” After the tenth time I had recited the phrase, I finally started to feel better. My heart had slowed down, and my breathing was even, until a crumb of a thought drifted in.What if it doesn’t pass?And then that became my mantra until Ellen arrived.

“Why are you out here? Did they ban you from the restaurant?” She gave me a mournful and empathetic hug.

“I needed air.”

We sat at a table in the back. I caught Ellen up on this morning with Gia. “And then Jim just hung up, leaving me to try to make excuses for why he wasn’t there. This whole thing’s a giant mess.” Ellen didn’t say anything, which was out of character. “What?” I asked.

“Jim’s not the one who messed things up.”

“No, but he made it easy for me to do it.” The busboy came over to fill our water glasses and spilled ice on my lap. He apologized as I pushed the ice onto the floor.

“That’s not an excuse,” she said.

“Whose side are you on?”

“I’m not on anyone’s side. I’m your friend, but I’m also Jim’s friend, and I see what he’s going through. I feel bad for him.”

“It’s not like everything is hunky dory in my world.” I took a sip of water, and a piece of ice slid into my mouth. I deserved to choke on it, but it went right down.

“Yeah, but you created that world. I told you it was a bad idea to keep seeing Michael.”

“I couldn’t help it.”

“It’s not like he hypnotized you,” Ellen stated.

Could he have? Could I have fallen victim to his charm and good looks, and they made me do things I wouldn’t have normally done? The waitress came over to take our order. Ellen ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with extra tomatoes, and an iced tea with an orange instead of a lemon. I hadn’t even opened the menu, but I ordered a tuna sandwich with extra mayo, and french fries. I might as well ruin my figure. I’d already ruined my marriage, my daughter’s life, and possibly my friendship.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“No. I mean, I don’t know, maybe.”

I couldn’t believe it. She was my best friend, and she was supposed to support me no matter what stupid things I’d done. “That’s not fair. Besides, if it wasn’t for your stupid pros and cons list, he would never have known.”

“Don’t blame me for your mess.”

“You’re right. I got myself into this.”

“So, what are you going to do to get yourself out?” Ellen asked.

“I don’t know. Something has to change for both of us. I mean, what kind of marriage do we have if we shy away from important conversations and we don’t have sex?”

“You could’ve had a real conversation about your sex life instead of pretending it wasn’t going on, and you could’ve gone to therapy. There were plenty of things you could’ve done before turning to another man.”

“How can you say that? You know I tried.”

“You didn’t try hard enough. You kept waiting for things to change as opposed to finding ways to change them.”

The waitress came back with our food. Ellen took a bite of her sandwich before my plate of food had touched the table. “Excuse me?” she called to the waitress with her mouth full of chicken and extra tomatoes. “Can you tell the chef that if he put a little pesto on the chicken, it wouldn’t be so dry?”