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The rain was coming down hard and pounding on my windshield as I pulled into the driveway. I ran to the front door without using an umbrella. I didn’t deserve to be dry. I walked in disheveled and soaked. My makeup running, my skirt wrinkled, and my shirt untucked.

My ninety-six-year-old great aunt approached me. “I’m so sorry about your mother, dear.” She handed me her plate of food with a half-eaten chicken leg and a quarter of a potato pancake. “You need to eat something.”

“Thanks, Aunt Stella, but I’m not hungry.”

She patted my hand, took her plate back, took a bite of the chicken leg, and crossed over to sit with the other mourners.

“You’re soaked. Did you take a walk in the rain?” Jim asked, coming up to me.

“No, I forgot my umbrella in the car,” I said.

“Where were you?” he asked.

“I needed time alone.”

He got a towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around me. Around the mess that had just cheated on him, that had been cheating for months. I’d become a person I would’ve judged, a person I never would’ve respected.

After I had dried myself, Jim took the towel and handed me a glass of water. I’d forgotten how sweet he could be when I needed him. I went to the bathroom so I could pull myself together. I smoothed my skirt, tucked in my shirt, and redid my makeup. Over the next hour I talked to distant relatives and friends of my mother’s I’d never met. I’d had no idea how many people’s lives she had touched.

After everyone had finally left, Gia went to bed, and Jim and I were left in a room filled with empty coffee cups and used paper plates. “You go upstairs. I’ll deal with this mess,” he said.

“I’d rather help.” We cleaned side by side in silence, both in our own worlds. After the house was in relatively good shape, we went upstairs. Jim fell back on the bed, not even taking off his suit jacket. I lay down next to him. “I never would have gotten through all this without you,” I said.

“You would’ve been fine.”

I helped him take off his jacket, then opened his belt.

“You must be really tired,” he said.

“I’m all right.” I began taking off the rest of his clothes. I was tired of being subtle. I wanted my husband tonight. I needed him. I stood up and removed every inch of my clothing until I was completely naked. Then as gracefully as a naked ballerina, I climbed on top of him and rested my chest on his. As our hearts were beating in unison, I felt safe.

“I’m really worn out,” he said.

I started kissing his chest and then his neck. “Are you sure you’re worn out?”

“I can’t tonight.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, not masking the hurt and feeling lonelier than I’d ever been. I rolled off him. He turned away from me and put on a sleep mask. I grabbed my sweats out of the hamper and went downstairs to eat as much chocolate as I could find.

CHAPTER 20

Early the next morning I came downstairs to a painful silence. I thought of how many times that stillness was pierced by my phone ringing. My mother could never wait until a decent hour to tell me some inane piece of news about her life. It drove me crazy. I missed those calls.

I heard a strange slurping sound and found Theo on the couch licking the cushions. Someone had spilled Caesar salad all over, but I was going to pretend it wasn’t there. The same way I was going to pretend my mother hadn’t died, my father knew who I was, and I hadn’t just almost had sex with another man. I plopped myself on a chair, draped my feet on the ottoman, and made no move to stop Theo. Jim came in, his pajama bottoms hiked up above his waist and his T-shirt on backward, the label at his collarbone.

“Can you believe someone spilled—”

“I know about Michael,” he said.

My heart stopped. “Who?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” What did he know?

“Don’t play games. I’m not stupid,” he said. “Who is he?” He was calm, but his presence standing over me felt intimidating.

I was caught. “A guy from the gym.”