Page 60 of With Stars in Her Eyes

Thea

I shed my robe and lowered myself into the tub. The book and whatever Courtney had stuck into it were perched on the sink ledge.

I wanted to be alone when I read it, whatever it was.

Despite the summer heat, I had been cold all day and not just because of the blasting air conditioning at Squid.

I didn’t think I could face reading what Courtney had written until I was submerged in water that was just a little too hot for my skin’s liking.

What if Courtney had taken my not now to mean not worth it ?

What if I had finally made a boundary like this and slowed down to do things right and this was the time it would bite me right in the buttocks?

As I opened the book too quickly, a note fell out. I caught it just before it hit the water and then scrambled to ensure that it didn’t get wet.

I dried my hands and drank in the words she had written for me.

Dear Thea,

I know you talked about texting making you feel anxious.

I feel like I’ve already given you enough anxiety over the last few months, so I didn’t want to add to that.

If receiving this letter is also making you upset, you really don’t have to read it.

Part of me wanted to start out this letter by writing “Be not alarmed, Madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing… etc., etc.” But then I was worried you wouldn’t remember that scene from Pride and Prejudice and would just think I was a fucking weirdo who wanted to use ten-dollar words and call you “Madam” for kinky reasons. Which, maybe you do anyway.

I made a drowned sort of snort which just made me realize I was crying again. Crying and laughing at the same time.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this book, but it’s been sold out at the bookstore for a while. We finally got the next shipment in from the publisher, so I wanted you to have a copy.

If you would rather I didn’t write you letters, I understand.

Just send me a text or an email or some morse code or even arrange a carrier pigeon to shit on me or something and I’ll stop.

But if it is okay, I might write you sometimes.

There are so many moments during the day when I wish I could tell you something.

I know that might not be okay, and I want to respect your boundaries.

I’m probably already gone when you’re reading this.

I didn’t want to interrupt your day. (Not because I’m protecting you, but because I wasn’t sure exactly where we left things and what would make things easier for you.) But just know I was thinking about you when I left.

Thank you for encouraging me to go on tour and try again.

It wasn’t fair for me to use what we had as an excuse to be more scared.

If anything, I should have been braver because you are such a brave person.

I’m sorry for not being honest with you. You deserved better. I’ll be watching for that carrier pigeon and wearing hats as often as possible just in case.

Hopefully soon to be yours,

Courtney

When I stopped sobbing, my teeth were chattering from the tepid water. I got out of the bath, threw on the sweatshirt I had basically stolen from Courtney, and snuggled down into bed to read.