Page 123 of With Stars in Her Eyes

“Maybe.”

I shifted my weight against something digging into my back under the comforter. It was the first book Courtney had ever found for me. As I flipped it open, out fell my copy of the aura photo we had taken right before that first kiss. After pushing it back between the pages, I held the book to my chest and cried until I fell asleep.

CHAPTER 44Thea

Courtney sat with her leg pulled up beneath her on the bench outside the plant shop. I sat beside her. Texting her this morning probably contradicted my asking for space last night, but I couldn’t resist. She asked to meet here after she got off work.

Before either of us could speak, Jeannie appeared. She handed Courtney a small bag with tissue paper. “Sorry I couldn’t make it last night. Happy birthday. I’ll leave y’all alone now.” She gave me a quick shoulder squeeze. “Y’all should come by later, okay?”

It was Courtney’s birthday?

And I didn’t know.

“Today’s your birthday?”

Another omission.

Courtney winced. “Yes.”

“So last night the dessert was abirthdaything?”

“Kind of.”

I sighed. “Of course you’re a Gemini.”

“I don’t even know what that means. I didn’t want you to feel weird about it. But I honestly had lost track of the date. For full disclosure, I ended up having a migraine last night. I missed my monthly preventative injection, and that’s why I didn’t text you as soon as I would have otherwise— Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m sorry you had a migraine…” I covered my face. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

“What. Why?”

“Why? Because ofthis.”

“What?”

“I don’t wantthis.” I stood and walked back and forth beneath the tree as my thoughts eddied into chaos in my brain.

“You don’t want me? Is that why you really didn’t want me to explain everything last night? You keep saying ‘this.’ And I don’t know what ‘this’ you mean. I know you were angry about what I said to Demetrius, but—”

“No.” I paced. “I wasn’t just angry. I was furious. Livid. The maddest I’ve ever been.”

Courtney looked like she was in danger of throwing up. “Because I didn’t tell you I was Kestrel? Because of what I said to Demetrius? Because—”

“Because you were on the verge of giving up your dream. Something you were literally made for. Everyone around you can tell thatno oneis getting the full story about anything. Everyone can sense that the idea of quitting and never performing again is killing you. Stop trying to protect everyone around you from knowing you. Stop trying to protectmefrom seeing you. To add insult to injury, you were usingmeas an excuse about it.”

“I’ve spent so much of my life worried I was like my parents and wouldn’t care who got in my way to get what I wanted with my career. But I realized pretty much as I was having that conversation that I’mnotthem. That’s what I was realizing last night.” Her voice was much smaller than usual. “And I told everyone the full story this morning.”

“You did? Wait—what… what was the full story?”

Courtney gazed out over the courtyard. “I… My ex-husband was threatening me and Demetrius’s career. The album tells the story of me getting an abortion and a lot of the abuse that happened in our relationship. He’s going into politics and that story coming out now was going to be really inconvenient for him…”

“Shit, I’m so sorry.”

All that was happening, and she didn’t tell me that either.

“He said some other things that really got into my head. That plus what happened in LA making me scared shitless about going onstage again…” She sucked in her bottom lip. “It was a lot, andI thought I’d lost the only thing I had ever really loved. But then I realized I could have this great life here too. It felt like I was starting over, and I didn’t know how to handle anything. So I fucked things up by keeping it from you. But it truly wasn’t a conscious decision at first. And then I couldn’t imagine you even knowing who Kestrel was.”

“Is. Because you’re still Kestrel no matter what you do now.”