Page 58 of With Stars in Her Eyes

Thea

Courtney sat with her leg pulled up beneath her on the bench outside the plant shop. I sat beside her. Texting her this morning probably contradicted my asking for space last night, but I couldn’t resist. She asked to meet here after she got off work.

Before either of us could speak, Jeannie appeared. She handed Courtney a small bag with tissue paper. “Sorry I couldn’t make it last night. Happy birthday. I’ll leave y’all alone now.” She gave me a quick shoulder squeeze. “Y’all should come by later, okay?”

It was Courtney’s birthday?

And I didn’t know.

“Today’s your birthday?”

Another omission.

Courtney winced. “Yes.”

“So last night the dessert was a birthday thing?”

“Kind of.”

I sighed. “Of course you’re a Gemini.”

“I don’t even know what that means. I didn’t want you to feel weird about it.

But I honestly had lost track of the date.

For full disclosure, I ended up having a migraine last night.

I missed my monthly preventative injection, and that’s why I didn’t text you as soon as I would have otherwise— Why are you looking at me like that? ”

“I’m sorry you had a migraine…” I covered my face. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

“What. Why?”

“Why? Because of this .”

“What?”

“I don’t want this .” I stood and walked back and forth beneath the tree as my thoughts eddied into chaos in my brain.

“You don’t want me? Is that why you really didn’t want me to explain everything last night? You keep saying ‘this.’ And I don’t know what ‘this’ you mean. I know you were angry about what I said to Demetrius, but—”

“No.” I paced. “I wasn’t just angry. I was furious. Livid. The maddest I’ve ever been.”

Courtney looked like she was in danger of throwing up. “Because I didn’t tell you I was Kestrel? Because of what I said to Demetrius? Because—”

“Because you were on the verge of giving up your dream. Something you were literally made for. Everyone around you can tell that no one is getting the full story about anything. Everyone can sense that the idea of quitting and never performing again is killing you. Stop trying to protect everyone around you from knowing you. Stop trying to protect me from seeing you. To add insult to injury, you were using me as an excuse about it.”

“I’ve spent so much of my life worried I was like my parents and wouldn’t care who got in my way to get what I wanted with my career.

But I realized pretty much as I was having that conversation that I’m not them.

That’s what I was realizing last night.” Her voice was much smaller than usual.

“And I told everyone the full story this morning.”

“You did? Wait—what… what was the full story?”

Courtney gazed out over the courtyard. “I… My ex-husband was threatening me and Demetrius’s career.

The album tells the story of me getting an abortion and a lot of the abuse that happened in our relationship.

He’s going into politics and that story coming out now was going to be really inconvenient for him… ”

“Shit, I’m so sorry.”

All that was happening, and she didn’t tell me that either.

“He said some other things that really got into my head. That plus what happened in LA making me scared shitless about going onstage again…” She sucked in her bottom lip.

“It was a lot, and I thought I’d lost the only thing I had ever really loved.

But then I realized I could have this great life here too.

It felt like I was starting over, and I didn’t know how to handle anything.

So I fucked things up by keeping it from you.

But it truly wasn’t a conscious decision at first. And then I couldn’t imagine you even knowing who Kestrel was. ”

“ Is . Because you’re still Kestrel no matter what you do now.”

Courtney’s hands balled in her lap. “I’m just so sorry I didn’t tell you.”

I was silent for several deep breaths. “We shared this incredible weekend together. We told each other so much. And for the months before that when we just got to know each other. I thought it was real, and I was finding out who you are.”

“You were.”

“But then I find out you were making the biggest decision of your life without telling me what was happening. Or why it was happening. Meanwhile I had been pouring my stupid heart out to you about my stuff, which was petty in comparison. Which meant when I found out about you, I was back to feeling like I was the too-much-too-soon girl.”

“Your stuff wasn’t petty. I never thought that.”

A woodpecker landed on a tree across the dusty courtyard. It crawled around and then began digging with its beak, stopping every now and then to evaluate its progress.

My teeth clenched. “And it’s not just that you didn’t trust me about that. What you told Demetrius about me…”

“I shouldn’t have said it, and it wasn’t fair.”

“You’re right. It wasn’t fair. I never asked you to be smaller than you are.

And some part of you must think I would, because otherwise why would your mind go there?

But on another level, you were right. I am looking to build a life here.

I thought we were building something together, and after you talked about it like that… ”

“What?”

“I hated that you assumed I wouldn’t be able to handle all of you. How the hell do you not know that everyone around you who cares about you wants the best for you? That’s what made me so angry.”

“I think I was processing something in real time, and none of it came out right.”

“Well, reading between the lines—I think that absolute shrunken testicle of an ex couldn’t handle how talented you were.

And he wanted to own you. But I just don’t appreciate you making that assumption about me.

Bet Samantha and Demetrius, Nic, Jeannie—everybody in your life would probably feel the same. ”

“I know that. But he got in my head. I was so stupid. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit again. You want radical honesty? I’ll even tell you the embarrassing way he got me to date him. I’ve never told anyone that ever.”

“How?”

“He called me his little muse, and I ate that shit up. Because it made me feel like I was special.”

I gagged.

“I know. Fuck.”

“You were never a muse. You are the artist . Anyone trying to make you smaller than what you are could never do you justice.”

“I told the band what Jeremiah was threatening to do to their careers if I released the record. I realized I should probably stop making decisions for everyone else in my life.”

“What did they say?”

“They’re talking about it now.”

“What are you hoping for?” I sat beside her again and slid my hand onto her thigh, palm up.

“I wish I knew.” She interlaced our fingers.

“I’ve never felt like this before. I guess the truth of what you heard me say last night is that I don’t want you to think that my career would be more important than you.

I can get so focused on one thing, and I don’t want to be the sort of person that sacrifices the needs of the people she cares about for a career. ”

I swiveled and cradled her hand with both of mine. “You think I would see how much you love performing and recording—how much you come alive when you’re playing and singing—and ask you to walk away from being Kestrel and have a little life with me here and marry me tomorrow? Jesus , Courtney.”

“It wouldn’t be a little life.” Courtney leaned close, head bowed toward our hands. “I could lose everything else, and I’d be happy here with you no matter what the band decides. Nothing about this life would feel little to me.”

“That’s just the thing though. You haven’t lost anything.

It’s all right there waiting for you, and for some reason you keep finding every excuse to give up on it.

I hear what you’re saying, but can you see how it might sound to me?

It’s like you’re treating being with me like some escapist fantasy.

” I dropped her hand. “I told you why I tried so hard to keep the boundaries up about my photography. It was because I tried to make a living doing it the way I wanted to do it. I failed, but then I fought against letting it become a chore and let it be my little side hobby. You have the biggest opportunity of your life right here. Fuck Jeremiah. Fuck your parents. No one who loves you would ask you to be smaller than you are.”

Courtney’s gaze was on the woodpecker now. The tap, tap, tapping echoed off the old church building and the trees. The breeze smelled green, the way it did back home when the grass starts growing quicker and the azalea blooms begin to wilt.

Our legs were parallel lines now. That pencil-width space between us was a chasm.

“Thea, I’m falling in love with you.” Courtney’s bottom lip trembled. “And nothing about that is small.”

“I never said what we had was small…” My arms hugged around my body protectively as I stood.

The woodpecker kept on tapping as the breeze picked up.

I faced her but I couldn’t bring myself to sit beside her again.

“Listen to what I’m goddamn saying, Courtney.

I said, you think the only way we can have a life together is to make yourself smaller than you are. ”

Courtney blinked.

“Tell me that you’re not using this…” I gestured between us like something hovered there, some tangible link between our hearts. “Tell me you’re not even now using this as an excuse because you’re scared of being all of who you are—scared of fighting to be all you are.”

The flutter of wings caught my attention again.

The woodpecker had flown off.

It left in its wake a silence between us as heavy as gravity. An inescapable, invisible force that could wreck everything trying to fight it. A sudden gust of wind sent a shower of pink magnolia petals to the ground around us.

“I want an honest answer.”

“It’s complicated.”

“I know it is.” I exhaled slowly. “So I’m going to make part of it easier.”

“Please, don’t.”

“Wait.” I held up a hand to stop her from coming to me.

“You’re right that I’m trying to build a life here.

If you can’t figure out a way to be honest with me and stop protecting me from things that I have no need of being protected from, I don’t think this is going to work.

At least not right now. It’s not… this is not a third-act breakup though. ”

“Because you hate those.” Courtney stood and took a slow step toward me.

“Because I hate those…” I nodded, and it was the permission she needed.

“Thea.” Her fingers threaded through my hair with her thumb cradling my jaw.

Our foreheads touched. “I do want you to know that a part of me does want to kiss you and beg for you to stay here, but I’m not going to.”

“What if I want you to?” Courtney’s lips barely moved as she spoke the words. “What if I’m too scared to do it, and I want to stay here where it’s safe? What if part of me wants you to ask me to give it up?”

“Baby, I think you’ve spent too much of your life without knowing what it’s like to have people who don’t expect you to give pieces of yourself up in order to be loved.

” I touched her lower back. “And even though you have people around you who do now, I think you shift back into your factory settings under stress.”

“Factory settings in this case being a metaphor for my trauma response?” Courtney shook with a thick chuckle, but her face was dry.

My tears fell before I could stop them. Courtney had always been so much more controlled than I was.

Her years performing meant she could put on a mask when she needed to, but I never could.

I was never able to grow out of the stars in my eyes or my heart on my sleeve.

And if I didn’t push Courtney a little to go now and live her dream, the beautiful woman I loved might be tempted away from doing all the big things she deserved to do.

“You have to go back because what if you miss out on your perfect touchdown pass and it’s all my fault?”

“Hey.” She caught my face in her calloused hands. “I know this has been a whirlwind few days, but I’m just a cellist. You might be confusing me with your giant best friend.”

“I mean that I want you to go fight for your dreams.”

A spark had returned to her green eyes. “My dreams being becoming an NFL star?”

“Courtney Dove Starling.” I glared.

“Yikes. Why, Thea?”

“Sorry.” I winced. “You need a new middle name. That one just is never gonna suit.”

“It’s okay.” Courtney wiped my tears away with her thumbs. “Where does all this leave us because Thea I lo—”

I ended her words with a quick kiss. “ Please . Don’t say that right now. I can’t… I don’t want to be a consolation prize or an excuse. If you say that now, I’ll feel like one.”

“But you’re not.”

“The only way I’ll know I’m not either is if you go fight for who you are and what you want.”

“But what does this mean for us?”

“It means my answer has to be not now .”

“Not now?” Courtney’s throat bobbed.

“Do you understand why?”

“I think so.”

I handed over the box of photos from my bag. “You should keep these. Maybe you can use them for something. I can send digital scans if you want them.”

Courtney’s green eyes bored into mine. Whatever Courtney read there must have convinced her not to argue anymore. “Thank you.” The slight quiver in the words almost destroyed my resolve.