Page 156 of Uprising

Iwrap Lara’s coat around her as quickly as I can. I don’t know what’s going on but clearly something’s happened and I want to spare both my daughter and Sofia any further trauma.

She’s still trying to argue, still trying to say that she wants to see her aunt but I shake my head, take her hand and pull her outside.

I haven’t even put my own coat on. I’ve stuck my bare feet into the boots in my haste and I can feel them already starting to freeze.

“Mummy.”

“Come on baby.” I say. “Sofia is just having a bad moment. She just needs a little space right now.” I don’t want to lie to her. I don’t want to pretend this isn’t happening. She needs to understand at least enough of what this is.

The cold wind hits my face and I regret not putting on more layers. I’m not sure how long we’ll be out here but I fight the shiver, forcing a smile and continue on out down the veranda, into the garden.

“What can I have for Christmas?” Lara asks.

I squeeze her hand, loving that she’s that she’s getting in the spirit, that she’s behaving the way a normal child would.

“What would you like?” I ask back.

She frowns. “Daddy bought me a pony. Can I have my pony back?”

I’d forgotten about that. Bramble was it’s name. It was a tempestuous shit of a Shetland. Thank god Roman had only loaned it so in all likelihood it’s still alive, unharmed even.

“Shall we ask daddy?” I say.

She nods. “And can I have some new toys?”

She’s already had a room full of toys as it is. “How about we go to a shop, we can pick them together?”

“Can we?” Her eyes widen so much. I’ve never been shopping with her. I know Holden has taken her once, back before everything got fucked up.

“Yes.” I say giving her a hug. “And we can buy you some more clothes too. We can make a day of it. Eat out for lunch too if you’d like.”

Her face lights up so brightly at my words. “Will daddy come?”

I doubt he’d want to miss it though I know how he feels about shopping. “I’m sure he will.” I reply.

We walk a little further. I bend down picking up a handful of snow and roll it into a ball. As hard as I can I launch it at one of the trees and it smacks into it exploding into nothing.

Lara laughs copying me and for a minute she seems to forget everything.

When she turns back around her face is red, she’s grinning from ear to ear but I can see a glint in her eye that says she’s up to mischief.

“There’s something else I want mummy. For Christmas.”

“What is it?” I ask. I’m sure I’ll agree. Whatever she wants, this year she gets it, even if she is spoiled, even if I’m creating a situation any normal parent would know better to avoid.

“You and daddy getting married.”

I freeze, frowning. Does she even know what that means? “Lara…”

“If you marry then no one else can split us.” She says.

I bite my lip seeing that defiant look in her eyes and the flash of trauma. Roman and I have talked about getting someone, a counsellor, not just for Lara but for me too. I hate the idea of it. Of telling a complete stranger everything that I’ve been through. Everything that I’ve accepted and allowed to happen in my life.

But I keep wondering how it might help Lara. How, at such a young age she needs someone professional to ensure she doesn’t get as fucked in the head as I am.

“Come here baby.” I say wrapping my arms around her. “No one is going to split us up this time.”

“He’s not dead though is he?” Lara murmurs into the thick fabric of my coat.