Page 145 of Uprising

I get up pulling her into a tight hug. She’s the only one I can touch properly without flinching and thank god for that. “We will baby.” I say. “We’ll get decorations, and a tree…”

“We can pick one together.” Roman says coming up behind me, cupping her cheek.

“A tree?” She repeats looking even more confused.

“You’ll see baby.” I say. “We’ll make sure this Christmas is all about you.”

“About us.” Roman adds. “About our family together.”

My tears spill over at that. I fight the wail that wants to escape my lips but I lean back, into his chest. I’m finally going to get it aren’t I? I’m finally going to have that one thing I dreamed of over and over.

When I look up, when I meet his gaze I feel my whole body seem to flush. Perhaps this is what he was planning by bringing us here, perhaps this was what I subconsciously knew would happen, that us creating a home, creating this environment would be enough to heal, enough to forget, at least to begin to sow those seeds.

Rose

Ben and Sofia are there at dinner. Once again Sofia doesn’t speak beyond a few words here and there and there’s a smile I know she puts on solely for Lara’s benefit.

It breaks my heart to see her like this and it makes me angry that she feels she has to even pretend.

The doctor came around while we were outside and from what I can tell she’s now completely med free. Completely clean.

She should be celebrating. She should be happy. But she looks just as broken as always.

Ben sits next to her, like he’s some sort of protector but he’s careful not to overwhelm her. He’s more a shadow than a person when she’s there.

Lara chats away, she talks excitedly about the snow and the prospect of Christmas now that she’s getting her head around it.

And I keep glancing at Roman. I can’t seem to stop. It’s like some part of me has finally woken up from my grief and realised that he’s here, he’s alive, and that I have him back.

But my fear is still there, my nerves. I feel like two people split, conflicted, caught up in a twister of emotions that keep flitting from relief, to panic, to joy, to love, to utter desolation.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get past this.

Sofia slips away as soon as the dessert is done. Ben takes Lara off as if he can sense we both need some alone time.

And for a moment we just sit there, at the formal dining table not speaking, not even looking at each other until the tension breaks.

I get up, I walk past him, knowing he’s going to follow me and praying that he does.

When I get to our room he pauses like might be reconsidering whatever this is.

“Roman.” I murmur his name, almost intoxicated by the fact that I can say it, that I can speak it once more without dire consequences.

He comes up behind me and I can feel the heat of his body. I know in normal circumstances he would be touching me, putting his hands on my shoulders, brushing his lips against my neck, and perhaps the fact that he isn’t doing any of that is driving me more mad.

“I want you so much.” I whisper. “I want what we had. I want everything we had.”

“We will get that back.” He says quietly. Confidently.

I let out a half laugh at the way he believes it. The way he doesn’t even question it.

And then I turn, facing him, meeting those beautiful brown eyes.

He tilts his head, his own dropping to stare at my lips as if he wants to catch them with his. Before he can, I put my finger across his mouth.

“I want to try something.” I murmur. My hearts fluttering like a flame in the wind, it feels like I’m about to jump off a cliff, take a risk part of me doesn’t need to but so much of me is desperate for.

“What?” He asks.