Page 118 of Uprising

They give me sympathetic looks, as if they understand what I’m going through and then, once I’ve convinced them that there’s nothing psychically more they can treat they tell me to get some rest. To try to recover. As if it’s as easy as that.

There’s a bathroom attached to the room. I manage to function enough to wash myself, to wash off the dirt, and blood, trying to ignore the way the water streams so red and puddles around my feet. And then I pull on the pyjamas that are left and crawl into the bed.

I don’t know where Roman is. I don’t know if he’s left simply to give me space or because he finds me repulsive now. If after everything I’ve endured he no longer loves me.

And that thought breaks my heart.

In my head I thought it would end, that as soon as I was free, I believed all the fear would be gone.

But that’s not what’s happened.

Instead it’s like it’s multiplied. It’s like my brain is so used to suffering now that it can’t register when the pain is no longer there.

I curl up, pulling the covers over my head, hiding beneath them and weep until my tears no longer fall, until I’m so exhausted I do sleep.

* * *

I waketo my own screams. To the hoarse, horrific sound of my own fear as one nightmare merges into another, and another in my mind.

It’s so dark. I don’t think this room has any windows and it feels more like a prison than a reprieve. But beyond my own breathing there is nothing. Just a silence that seems to hang in the air, seems to sound otherworldly.

I shut my eyes, too exhausted to move, too exhausted to function.

But the bed is warm, the bed is soft. And the fabric surrounding me feels comforting.

When something moves beside me I freeze. Ice fills my stomach. A whimper escapes my lips because I don’t know what it is, it doesn’t feel human, and yet what else could it be?

It moves around, sniffing, and then suddenly I realise who it is.

“Bella?”

She nuzzles into my face. I let out a cry of joy.

She’s not dead. She’s not dead. Carter lied then. But how is she here?

“Mummy?”

I spin around. My heart is beating so fast now I can barely breathe.

“Lara?” I half sob her name.

The weight of the bed changes as my daughter clambers on and her arms wrap around me.

“Lara.” I gasp again, pulling her around, holding her so tightly. “Lara.” I repeat it again. I whisper it. I sing it. I refuse to let her go in this moment.

And we lay here, the three of us, me with my daughter in my arms and Bella snuggled in between us.

But I still don’t know where Roman is. I still don’t understand why he isn’t here with me.

“I missed you so much.” Lara cries.

“I missed you too baby.” I say. “But I knew you were with Daddy, that he was keeping you safe.”

“But no one was with you.” She says. “No one was keeping you safe.” She’s sobbing now, crying into my chest and I realise suddenly that I’m crying too.

“It’s over.” I say. “It’s finally over.”

“Is he dead mummy? Did you kill him too?”