Page 29 of Unfaithfully Yours

TWENTY-ONE

Kamran

“You need anything before I go?”

I glanced over at Ollie, who was hovering by my door looking around awkwardly.

I was pretty sure he felt bad for me. Who wouldn't? I'd busted my ass—me and Lissa both had—to get that house and now here I was, living in the same building as him in a one bedroom apartment that was roughly the size of my old living room.

“I'm good. I chose this,” I reminded him.

In fact, I hadn't just chosen it, I'd insisted. I’d fought tooth and nail to leave Melissa the house even though she had wanted to split assets evenly.

I still had my job and good credit. I made more than her.

I could work my way up again even if it took a while.

And even if I couldn't for some reason, even if this little apartment was as far up the ladder as I'd ever get, it was still fair in my opinion.

I'd put her through hell whether I'd meant to or not.

Ollie shrugged.

“Yeah, I know man. Just... let me know if you need anything.”

I nodded.

“Thanks bud, I appreciate you helping me put together those shelves.” I said and sank onto my new couch, still feeling like a stranger my own home.

“Ikea builds are hell,” he agreed, couldn't let you face that on your own.”

I snorted.

“Not as bad as going in the store,” I informed him. “I couldn't get out of that place fast enough but I swear there was no way out. I thought I was going to have to just move in.”

Ollie chuckled.

Once it had been time to move, I had looked around the house and realized that there wasn't much there that was reallymine .

It was all stuff Melissa had picked out with my occasional input.

Looking back, I had let all of the burdens of that relationship fall on her shoulders.

She picked everything we did, initiated intimacy, and decorated the house.

I had just been there and now that I could see that, I felt pathetic. I had never properly shown up for her.

So, I had left it all, aside from my own clothes and personal items.

And the new apartment was downright depressing. Even after my Ikeashopping trip.

“I'm surprised you didn't call Ryan to help you. You know he would have.”

The sound of his name made my chest clench every time I heard it. But I shrugged and pretended it didn't hurt, even a month after I'd showed up at his hotel to win him back, but got sent away instead.

“Didn't want to bother him,” I said but Ollie was phishing.

“You didn't get him to help you move or anything...”

“I had like three boxes,” I pointed out. “It didn't really require help to move.”

“Well.” He shuffled his feet. “He said that he didn't tell you he wanted to stop being friends.”

I grimaced.

“Yeah, just that he wants me to move on, or some bullshit. How exactly am I supposed to do that if he's hanging around?”

Ollie let out a sigh.

“ Why exactly did he break up with you again? I'm confused.”

“Because I've been in a relationship for nearly a decade and he thinks I should be single first.”

“Ah.”

“He has a point,” I admitted. “I don't know what I want aside from?—”

Him , hung in the air between us.

“Huh,” Ollie muttered, thinking for a minute. “And what do you have to do to convince him you're ready?”

I shook my head.

“Damned if I know.”

I found myself staring at the blank wall in front of me. At some point I'd take the TV off the floor and mount it there, but that was a task for future me. I couldn't be bothered with it today.

“I think he might think it was a phase for me. That I threw myself in but it wasn't going to last the way it does for him.”

“Well that's conceited,” Ollie muttered and I laughed.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Or its fear talking,” he went on, echoing the idea that had bounced around in my head a few times now with nowhere to go. “The man loved you for aslong as he knew you. Maybe he hasn’t wrapped his head around the fact that you really want to be with him for good.”

Pain twisted my lips into a grimace.

“Either way, he said I needed time.”

Nodding, Ollie let out a little sigh.

“Alright, well, I hate seeing two of my friends so miserable, but I'll stop meddling,” he promised. “I'll pop by with some dinner later.”

I chuckled.

“I thought you said you were done meddling!” I shouted after him as he walked away.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, shutting the door behind him. And just like that, I was left to my depressing thoughts again.

Groaning, I collapsed across the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

My phone rang and I picked it up, answering without checking the name first. Big mistake because it was my mother.

“Kamran-joon,” she said at once. “How are you? How is your apartment?”

“Small,” I admitted.

“Hm.” She sounded perturbed. She and my father both had been since I’d announced the breakup. Apparently they thought my big news was that me and Melissa were having a baby. So, yeah. That visit had gone well.

“I’m going to bring you dinner,” she said.

“No,” I argued at once. If she saw this place she was going to go on a shopping spree and fill it up for me but this time I wanted to do it myself. I was trying to be self-sufficient for once. “I’m still setting up and Ollie is bringing me dinner.”

“I’ll make enough for him too,” she argued. “What does he like? How about Tahchin?”

I opened my mouth to argue, but actually, that sounded good. It had been ages since I’d had my mom’s cooking.

“Okay,” I sighed.

“Tell Ryan to come. He loves my food.”

Before I could even think of an excuse I heard my dad in the background, thinking he was whispering.

“Ask him if he’s still gay,” he said.

My mother hushed him and I rolled my eyes, smiling.

Yeah, I had let it all out when I told them about the divorce. How could I not? They had wanted to know the reason. Even though it had been unexpectedly scary to say it, once I had, it felt good.

They’d been understandably shocked and my dad had asked multiple times if I was sure, but aside from that, they had been alright.

“Yes, I’m still gay,” I said loudly.

“Okay, okay,” my dad answered and I realized that I was on speaker.

I sighed.

“You may as well come over tonight too,” I told him. “We can have a family dinner.”

“Oh, good idea!” my mom squealed. “Okay, bye, I have to start cooking.”

“Bring cutlery!” I shouted as the line died, not sure if they’d heard.

I shook my head.

I should invite Dave too. We could all break in my new place together.

It was a shame that Ryan couldn’t come. He was so stubborn. And so ridiculous. I was just here, thinking about him when we could be together.

Everything that had happened was still sinking in. Not just with Ryan's decision to end things… unless I came back to him? I was still a bit unclear on what he wanted from me.

It seemed like he wanted me to go out and be free and live the life he thought I needed between a breakup and new relationship.

I wanted to respect his decision. He may even have a bit of a point because now I had moved into my own place instead of directly into his. But I knew peace and quiet was what I needed in life, not new friends, and not new men to date. Not parties, or travel, or adventure.

I didn't want any of that. I liked my life. My job was comfortable, my friends were good people that I genuinely liked to spend time with. I had hobbies, like jogging and going to the gym, or the movies. The only thing missing was Ryan.

And I couldn't see him. Not yet. There was no way I could stand next to him and talk to him and act like everything was how it used to be. There was no way I could stop myself from reaching out and touching him.

I had accepted the fact that first I would need to let a certain amount of time pass, before showing up at his door and begging for him to take me back.

The only problem was that I was pretty sure if he asked what I had been doing out in the world to discover myself, he wouldn't be happy to hear that I spent all my free time laying on my new couch wallowing in self-pity.

Did I have to go backpacking across Europe or something? What did he need?

Proof , I thought, not for the first time. It hurt a little bit but I knew it was true and I understood where he was coming from. Somehow, I would have to prove to him that I wanted him for good.

My phone vibrated, pulling me from my thoughts.

Grudgingly, I lifting it up surprised to see Melissa's name. The message made me pause even longer.

You free? I want to show you something.

Now?

Yes. Can you come over?

We were on pleasant enough terms, but it still made me squirm with nerves that she wanted to see me.

I didn't have to answer to her anymore. All the documents were signed and submitted, but we had been trying to be amicable the whole way through this ordeal so I got in my car and drove across town to the house I had lived in for the past few years.

It still looked like home. It would probably take some getting used to it not being mine anymore. When I got to the door, I didn't know if I should knock or just walk in.

In the end, I knocked, and waited.

Melissa opened the door a minute later.

She was looking much better. Her foot was in a boot now to stabilize the ankle and she had a crutch under one armpit, but she looked clean and fresh and back to herself otherwise.

“Hi Kamran,” she said.

There was something about the way she said my name, like I could hear all the history in it. I wondered if it was the same for her.

“Hi Lissa.”

She moved out of the way for me to enter and I did, following her down the hall and into the living room.

The house had changed. There was a new rug on the floor. She'd moved things, added other things, like pictures on the walls. Everything felt slightly off. Another sign that it wasn't mine any more, and honestly, seeing that helped me to separate from the place in that moment.

I sat slowly onto the couch, still looking around. And then my eyes settled on our wedding album.

It was sitting closed on the coffee table, our smiling faces on the front, ready to start the rest of our lives together.

Melissa saw me looking at it and carried herself over to me, sitting at my side and leaning her crutch against the arm of the couch.

I tore my gaze from the book to turn and look at her.

“What is it, Lissa?” I asked. “Why did you want me to come here?”

She gave me a small smile that was more sad than happy. They had all been like that since that day.

“I wanted to give you something,” she said and to my shock, she reached out and grabbed the photo album and handed it to me.

I took it automatically, completely flabbergasted. Was this supposed to be some sort of joke ? I wondered. But Melissa wasn't a cruel person.

“What's the meaning of this?” I asked carefully.

“I want to show you something in it,” she said and reached for the cover, flipping the book open.

Guardedly, I watched her turn the pages until she reached the picture of us dancing that had made me pause last time.

“When you were looking at it recently, you stopped on this page,” she told me.

I shrugged.

“Okay.”

Her smile softened.

“You didn’t go far enough,” she said.

She flipped once more.

It was a full page image. At first glance, there was nothing of note to it.In it, my arm was stretched out to hold Melissa’s hand. Ryan was standing next to me on my other side, nearly shoulder to shoulder and we were looking at each other.

And our gazes were so filled with love that it was undeniable.

“This was the picture that made me first realize,” Melissa said. “I was so excited to get the album, remember? Then it came and I saw this...”

I finally tore my gaze away, feeling shaken.

All this time...

“But Melissa, we got the album almost right after we got married.”

She forced another smile but it wavered and her eyes filled with tears.

“It wasn’t all bad. I got a couple months happily married to the man of my dreams.” The tears fell down her cheeks, but she brushed them away.

“It was pretty magical for a while and I’m going to hold onto that.

But I knew, you never once looked at me the way you looked at him, not just in that picture, but every time. ”

I didn't know what to say. There was nothing I could say. It was all true. I had always loved him. I just hadn't realized that that love could translate into something involving us being together.

And Melissa was the innocent bystander to our love… But now, she was finally being set free.

I shut the book and hoped she didn't mind a hug, because I gave her one, squeezing my eyes shut at the onslaught of emotions.

“I'm sorry,” I said but she shook her head and finally pulled back, wiping at tears again.

“I don't blame you,” she insisted. “That doesn't make it easier, but you can't help who you are, or who you love.”

I watched her for a moment, moved.

“You are so fucking smart,” I said. “Way too smart for me.”

She chuckled.

“Probably.”

I shook my head.

“Hopefully now that I'm not holding you back, you'll get to live the life that you deserve, Lissa.”

“I hope so,” she agreed.

I looked at her, then around at the house and life I'd built with her.

For the first time since the accident, sureness settled over me.

Ryan wanted me to experience life the way he thought that I needed, but that wasn't his decision to make. And I didn't belong in an apartment by myself. I belonged in his bed, wrapped around him like a goddamn Snuggie.

“Can I take this?” I asked, lifting the book.

“Well, I certainly don't want it,” Melissa chuckled.

Laughing, I stood, kissed the top of her head and turned to leave.

At the doorway into the hall, though, I paused and turned to look back at her.

“Thank you,” I said. “For everything.”

With that, I left my old life behind, ready to fight for the one I truly wanted.