Page 28 of Unfaithfully Yours

TWENTY

Ryan

It felt like my heart had been turned into a lump of coal. It didn’t seem to beat any more.

But I was still alive, so I tried not to worry about it and stay focused on the trip.

The kids helped. They were rambunctious on the bus ride, singing and joking the whole way. Thank goodness for their infectious attitude because it actually got my mind off of everything else for a while.

Until we lost the game and it all came rushing back.

It turned out that it was hard to cheer up a pack of high schoolers when you yourself felt like a wet, used towel. Thankfully the other parents took the lead on that part.

By the time everyone had to turn in for the night, I felt like I'd run a marathon. All I wanted was an entire bottle of Jack and a warm bed to curl up in.

The best I could do though was the hotel bar and a rum and coke.

After sitting there for a few minutes, Carl sank into the seat next to me.

“Taking it pretty hard, huh?” he asked.

I grunted in response. I really didn't want to explain that the real reason I was upset was because my boyfriend was married to someone else and that was finally starting to make me question a few things.

“It's not your fault buddy,” he said, waving the bartender over to order a drink. “These things happen. They had a great team this year.”

“We do too,” I argued. “The boys worked hard all season.”

I shrugged.

“But, at least we made it to the semi-finals. We blew through most of the district with ease to be honest.”

“Hell yeah, they did great,” he agreed, grinning. “All thanks to you, Coach.”

He raised his glass, and I smiled despite myself, clinking ours together.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you ,” Carl said. “I haven't seen Michael so confident. He has friends now and a purpose... you really brought him out of his shell in a way I couldn't as the single dad, y'know?”

Warmed, I shook my head.

“You seem like a pretty great dad to me,” I argued.

He smiled warmly.

“Well thank you,” he said. “I do try.”

“I guess it’s easy to forget other people have shit going on too,” I said, shaking my head.

He looked me over with sharp eyes.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked.

I shook my head. I didn’t know how a big, tough, straight man like Carl would handle me talking about boy problems. I took a sip of my drink.

“Any chance this is about that man you were kissing in the parking lot that day?”

I accidentally sprayed rum and coke before clamping a hand over my mouth.

I had to work on not taking drinks right when someone said something shocking.

“You saw that, huh?”

“Hard to miss,” he informed me.

I groaned.

“You looked like you were trying to swallow each other whole.”

For some reason, hearing him say it in such a deep, gruff voice was too much. I burst out laughing, unable to stop until tears were pouring. There was no judgement there, but I was pretty sure from the tone, he’d pay to never have to see that again.

“You got me,” I said, holding up my hands. “It is about him.”

“Well, if he doesn’t know you’re a catch, he should get his eyes checked,” he said sincerely.

It was such a fatherly thing to say that it made me want to call my dad and pour out my broken heart all over the place.

The problem being was that I had never told my dad that I was gay.

I had never told anyone. Aside from a female friend in high school, there was no one who had known until the last couple of weeks.

I had kept myself locked away behind so many layers all because of Kamran. I had never wanted to alienate him.

Now that I thought of it that was the stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done because if Kamran hadn’t accepted me for who I was, then he wasn’t a man worth being in love with.

And wanting to win him over had made me do stupid things, things I would normally never do. I’d jeopardized my job doing something incredibly inappropriate. I’d had an affair with a married man… those two things alone should have been enough to know we weren’t healthy together.

“Thank you,” I said again and gave Carl a quick glance,half wishing I had fallen for a guy like him instead.

You know, one that wasn't married, but no, there was no one that could compare to Kamran, especially now.

I hadn't thought it was possible, but my love for him had only grown.

That was what made what had to happen next so hard.

“There's a lot I'm going to have to figure out how to say to him,” I said.

“Well, you're going to have to figure it out a lot faster than you planned,” he replied.

I glanced at him, then followed his gaze, dread growing as I looked across the bar to the doorway where Kamran was standing.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw him standing there, looking lost.

But then his gaze landed on mine and it waslike cominghome. How fucking unfair that I had to do this. To tell him now, when he'd come all this way... But I had spent two days mulling it over while he forgot to even check in with me and my mind was made, no matter how badly it hurt.

Bracingmyself, I pushed to my feet.

Kamran met me halfway, his hands coming up to hold onto my elbows, relief in his eyes as he searched my face, coupled with confusion.

“Ryan,” he whispered. “What the hell , why did you block me? What did I do?”

I could hear the hurt in his voice and it made an ache run through my body.

Tears pricked the back of my eyes.

“I was going tounblockyou in the morning,” I said.

“But why ?”

“So that I could think and—and not be distracted by you about this during game day.”

“But, it's me , Ryan,” he said. “You can tell me anything that's bothering you. Even if it's about us.”

I lookedaroundthe bar and pushed him toward the exit even though it didn't look like anyone was snooping. It was mostly just to buy me enough time to remember to stay strong and not just throw myself at him and beg for his forgiveness,

We didn't say a word on the way to my room. It was only on the second floor, so we took the stairs, but the moment the door sealed shut behind me, Kamran was ready to continue to unravel me.

“I missed you,” he said.

“I missed you too,” I admitted.

Relief filled his expression and he marched to me. I was powerless to stop my arms from going around him as we held onto each other. He pressed his face to my neck, the way that he liked to and held on tight, breathing me in.

“Thank God,” he said against my collar. “I thought it was me. That you wanted to end this.”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

At my lack of denial, he pulled back and fixed me with an anguished glare.

“Ryan. What are you thinking? Tell me. ”

“It's what you said. At the hospital. I can't stop thinking about it.”

He frowned.

“What? What did I say?”

“That you went straight from spending years being committed to Melissa, into a relationship with me.”

“So?” he demanded. “The timing might not have been right, but that doesn't mean that we're wrong.”

“I know Kamran,” I whispered, stroking back his hair. “But I fooled myself into thinking it was to comfort you and to be there for you, but it wasn’t. It was to get what I wanted. Stolen time with the man that I’m in love with.”

“And what's so wrong about that?” he asked.

I shook my head resolutely. I had already made my decision. I couldn't be swayed so easily.

“I wasn’t doing what’s best for you and now I want to. Please. ”

I tried to blink back the tears but they did the opposite of what I wanted and went down my cheeks instead.

Kamran's hands landed on my cheeks, thumbs stroking them back. His forehead rested on mine.

“What I want is to be with you,” he insisted softly. “You know that, right?”

I nodded, heart racing because it did feel so wrong to push away the man I loved when he loved me back, but here I was and this idea just wouldn't go away. And I knew it was the right thing to do.

“Kamran,” I whispered. “I need you to go. To live your life without owing anyone anything. You've never had that and you deserve it.”

“But that's not what I want,” he argued. “I want you. ”

“I just don’t want you to have any regrets.

Please try to understand. While you’re going through this hard time, I’ll be around to help you with whatever you need, be that moving, drinks with the guys, help with paperwork, anything , but we have to stop this relationship.

You need to be single and decide if this is really for you. ”

He shook his head, frown intensifying.

“But what if I come back and you've already moved on with someone else?”

I shut my eyes.

“All these years, my feelings for you never even wavered. I doubt they’re about to start now.”

He pulled back just far enough to look at me properly and then his lips pursed into a tight, thin line.

“How much time?” he suddenly asked, voice hard.

“What?”

“How much time do you need for me to prove myself?”

I spluttered.

“What? No. It's not that, I just want you to be happy Kamran.”

“My happiness is tied to you, Ryan. To being with you. To loving you and having you love me. Everything else in life is just extra sauce.”

I stared at him, heart racing, unable to find words.

“So, tell me,” he said. “How much time do you need?”

I shook my head helplessly.

“I don’t know,” I finally said.

For a moment, he stood there, holding me, watching me, his expression unreadable, then he pressed his lips to mine and kissed me so deeply my toes curled before pulling back and releasing me.

“Can I stay the night at least?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“You shouldn’t.”

I wasn’t strong enough. If he stayed, then I wouldn’t send him away in the morning and I’d never know if this was really right for him. I’d never know if he really wanted me.

And I needed to know.

“I’ll do whatever you need,” he finally said.

I should have been relieved when he left, but I wasn’t.

Was this really the right thing to do?

What if he never came back to me?