Page 19 of Unfaithfully Yours

FOURTEEN

Ryan

Despite the way this morning had gone, I couldn’t help feeling uneasy.

I’d let myself get carried away twice in public. Meanwhile, nothing had actually changed yet. Kamran was still married.

Until he was separated, I would just have to clutch onto the good feelings and hope that I wasn't wrong and that Kamran wasn't wrong about how he felt for me. I didn't think I would survive it if he changed his mind.

I got through the day with relative ease, still nauseous over how close we'd cut that shower—how my job and reputation could have been destroyed just like that, but as the day went on and all the teachers and students were normal with me, I decided to write it off as a one-time mistake. There was no harm was done but I couldn’t let it happen again, even if it was hard for me to say no to Kam .

As the day went on without Kamran there to distract me, an uneasy feeling began to run under my skin telling me that I was on borrowed time. That I wasn't going to get to keep Kamran no matter how much I wanted to.

It was all I could think about but Kamran couldn’t be here to reassure me. He had work and then Melissa to deal with.

Instead, I ended up going to dinner with a co-worker and then dropped by Ollie's place after that, just to keep my mind busy.

We had a beer and chatted about nothing in particular until Ollie suddenly started laughing.

“Who you got on the line?” he asked. “Someone good?”

“Huh?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”

“You keep checking your messages, man,” he said, shaking his head. “Like, constantly. You waiting for someone good to get in touch?”

I felt my cheeks heating and slowly straightened in my seat at his kitchen table. Ollie always noticed things. He had sharp eyes and a quick wit. He probably could have gone far if he wasn't so obsessed with conspiracy theories and weed.

I had the strangest inkling that he knew exactly who he was talking about—or at least was on the verge of figuring it out. Ollie wasn't a judgmental asshole, so I kind of wanted to tell him if not for the little fact that Melissa was still on the scene.

“What is it?” Ollie asked, taking a swig. “Is it complicated?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “You could say that.”

He let out a thoughtful little hm and went back to his drink for a minute.

“What about Kamran? How's he?”

I froze solid. Couldn't even begin to think of a response because for a moment I thought he was just straight up asking how Kamran felt about the situation and when I realized he wasn't, that it was just a separate thought, it was too late to pretend I hadn't reacted like I was being electrocuted.

He frowned for a moment and then his eyes widened ever so slightly and Iknew he knew .

“Oh, shit,” he muttered, raising his brows. “Didn't see that one coming.”

He paused.

“Actually, I take that back. I could see it.”

I spluttered.

“Are you serious?”

He nodded and shrugged, like that was that, even though I hadn't even confirmed anything. He turned to the table, taking out the supplies to roll a joint, but I couldn’t let it go.

“But he's married,” I said, slowly.

Ollie grimaced.

“That's true. Not cool,” he said, giving me a look.

My heart thudded as I stared at him.

Oh my god, I can finally tell someone! He already knew now, I may as well take advantage of it.

“Kamran found out she's been cheating on him. He turned to me. One thing lead to another. Now he's saying he's going to leave her to be with me but I'm just... waiting. ”

At the end of my word vomit, Ollie slowly set down his grinder.

“Shit, that's pretty messy, Huh?”

I nodded and tipped my beer back, more for something to do so that I wasn't just sitting here sweating and begging Ollie to tell me what to do next.

“Is that what you want?” he finally asked. “To be with him long term?”

I swallowed, trying for nonchalant even though my next words ruined the effect.

“More than anything. Ever.”

He searched my face and I felt like a bug under a microscope until he leaned across the table and gripped me by the shoulder, giving me a little squeeze.

“Jesus man, you were keeping that to yourself? Must have been lonely.”

I swallowed back the sudden swell of emotions that rose up my throat. I couldn't look at him, but I nodded.

“Yeah, a bit,” I admitted. And I sounded so fucking weak and pathetic, the opposite of my image, but lately all the loose bits were being shaken off to fully expose me. I just had to accept that I couldn't hide any more.

“It sounds like you both have a lot on the line,” Ollie mused.

”I think your best bet is to hold off and wait, alright?

It might take a while for him to be out of a marriage and ready to move on properly.

As Spock said, ‘After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting.’”

I rolled my eyes at the reference but they struck a chord. I finally had Kamran, but it didn’t feel as good as it should have.

I took a shaking breath and tried to keep thedisappointmentat bay. He was right of course, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

“See, I was kind of hoping he could just move on immediately. Like, tonight , even.”

I held out my arms and shrugged.

“I'm ready.”

Ollie grinned and shook his head.

“Love's a bitch, huh?”

I couldn't agree more.

“I'll cheers to that,” I sighed and we clinked glasses.

I wasn't surprised when the scotch came out after that but it had the unfortunate side effect of making me gush, especially now that Ollie knew .

I had never had someone to talk to. I had never been able to share all the silly little things I noticed and now it was coming out of me like full on word vomit.

“Kamran makes the cutest faces,” I slurred.

“Uh huh.”

“Have you ever noticed how his face scrunches up every time someone says something stupid?” I laughed. “He literally can't keep it in. He's so grumpy.”

“Yeah, he's a grumpy bastard,” Ollie agreed. “Never knew that was a good thing.”

“It's only good because it's fake,” I argued, mildly offended. “He's the softest, sweetest, sexiest man I've ever known.”

Ollie threw his head back, laughing loudly.

“Okay, okay, don't give me the death glare. I get it. You love him and he's wonderful.”

I hadn't said it aloud but he had twice now. I perked up and nodded, smiling proudly.

“Yes,” I agreed. “He's the best and I love him.”

I let the words soak in. I was saying them out loud for the first time, and in front of someone!

If Kamran randomly showed up at my place tonight, the way I wanted him to, I would tellhimtoo.

There was a knock on Ollie’s door and he got up to answer it while I sat there, pleased and swaying a little bit in my seat.

Feeling ballsy, I pulled out my phone and typed a message to Kamran, asking him what’s up?

Oh yes, very ballsy of me. I rolled my eyes and the momentum nearly had me slipping off of my seat.

“Jesus, look at you.”

Startled, I looked up to find Dave watching me.

My face fell.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.

“What's it matter to you? This isn't even your house,” Dave said, coming in and taking a seat at the table. “Olliesaidto come by ASAP.”

I looked at Ollie who shrugged.

“You seemed like you needed your bros,” he saidsolemnly.

“You didn't tell him, did you?” I demanded.

“He told me everything,” Dave answered for him. “You and Kamran going at it like bunnies behind Melissa's back.”

He tutted dramatically and shook his head while I sank down in my seat.

“Don't slide under the table,” Dave chastised. “There's nowhere to hide your shame here, buddy.”

“Oh man,” I groaned. “Please don't tell Kamran you know.”

I let my head fall onto the table and the room started spinning like I was on the strawberry ride at the fair.

“Here,” Dave said, cracking a can open and holding it under my face. “I brought provisions, tell me everything.”

Sighing, I pushed myself up again and took the offered drink.

“Dave,” I said, about to tell him off. “It's a hot mess. A perfect, amazing, wonderful , hot mess.”

He and Ollie exchanged an amused look.

“Go on,” Dave said, sipping his drink while I told them almost everything—minus the juicier details because those were mine.

“Damn, so he just went all in like that?” he asked. “That's... unexpected. ”

I nodded solemnly.

“It is the best thing that’s ever happened,” I agreed.

His lips quirked.

“Wow. I'm just realizing that I've never seen you in love before. It's so… cute. ”

“Cute?” I demanded. “I'm not cute. I'm super secssy.”

I finished the can he'd given me and put my hand out for another. Ollie popped the top on one and offered it to me.

“Also, you have seen me in love before. I've been in love for years and years.”

“Really?” Dave asked, looking thoughtful.

I nodded, remembering the first time I'd met Kamran, and how everything had just fallen into place.

I'd known I was gay already, had been on the verge of making it public and then we'd hit it off and he'd taken me under his wing. He’d introduced me to his friends and they were all so.

.. straight. I'd been afraid of not fitting in.

On top of that, on nights out we crashed on the same couches sometimes, changed together at the gym, the list went on…

I hadn't wanted him to feel differently around me and I also hadn't wanted to lose him, especially since by then, I was already head over heels.

“I don't think I've ever been able to just... be real,” I found myself saying.

“You can’t do that now though, can you?” Ollie asked after a moment. “I mean, he’s still married. Kamranhas tosort that out before you go open with it.”

“I can't even wrap my head around him being with a guy,” Dave said. “No offence, I know you two have a thing. I more mean the... being openly affectionate side, I guess. He's not really like that.”

“Not with Melissa,” I shrugged, feeling defensive again. “But he's different with me when we're alone together.”

“But out in the open,” Dave argued before Ollie placed a hand on his arm, stopping him from saying more.

“He's talking to Melissa today,” I said. “You'll see. Once they're done...”

I trailed off, remembering that I'd sent Kamran that message.

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my phone.

It took a couple tries for my clumsy fingers to swipe the messages open. There was one there from Kamran.

Need a bit more time. Will call you tomorrow.

I stared at the message for ages, not hearing what the guys were saying and barely registering their concerned voices.

Suddenly, the phone was yanked out of my hand.

I glanced up, the room too wavy to figure out where it went for a minute before I found Dave scrolling through my messages, shaking his head.

“Damn,” he muttered. “Sounds like you're the other woman, Ry—or other man , I guess. You might want to back up a bit. Just until he figures things out.”

For a second, I was so hurt by the statement that I thought I was going to cry.

Dave didn't know the full scope. He didn't know how open and loving Kamran had been with me the last few times we'd been together. He didn't know how we relied on each other. He didn't know how much I needed him.

“Just give him a bit of time,” Ollie said, taking the phone from Dave's hand and handing it back to me. “I'm sure it'll all work out.”

I knew he was just trying to keep me calm. Even more telling was the way that they both changed the subject after that, despite being all about the gossip a few minutes ago.

I didn't bother trying to follow the conversation after that. I just sat, accepting the way the room swayed, and wondered what Kamran was doing right now.

He had promised me that he and Melissa never touched anymore and I did believe him but my mind was on a loop, remembering how they used to be when they'd first started dating.

They'd seemed so in love. I'd been so fucking jealous of Melissa—if only because she got to be so open about her infatuation.

I could relate to the way she looked at Kamran.

It had made me feel close to her in a way because all I could think whenever I saw her looking at him was, yeah, he really does make the damn sun shine, doesn't he ?

I'd supported them. I'd even set up all the fun best man stuff that guys always did, right up to a strip tease that Kamran had ended up giving to Dave, because he didn't want to do that to Lissa.

A real class act, the two of them. At their wedding I'd thought they would be forever.

I'd ended the night lying in bed hoping that these feelings would just go away.

Then I'd woken up in the morning to a text from my best friend, thanking me for everything and I knew they weren't going anywhere. I would love him until the day I died.

“Come on, bud, I'll drive you home,” Dave said, pushing to his feet.

“I'm not getting in a car with you,” I argued, still a bit annoyed with him although I couldn't find the words to voice why. “You're drunk.”

He smiled indulgently.

“No, I had a can and a half,” he said, indicating the unfinished beer on the table.

“You should get home,” Ollie agreed. “Get in bed and forget about the rest for now.”

Sighing, I pushed to my feet.

Dave took my arm, but I shrugged him off, not talking to him until we were halfway home and he kept glancing at me, clearly waiting for me to break the ice.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” I informed him.

“Okay,” he said.

“You weren't there. You don't know what Kamran's going through.”

“That's true,” he agreed.

I looked at him to see if he was being facetious, but he seemed to mean it.

When he caught my eye, he just shrugged.

“I just hate to think you're going to get hurt, or strung along. You seem really invested. Then again, this is Kamran we're talking about. He's not that kind of guy…”

He trailed off and then shook his head.

“I never thought him or Melissa were the types to start cheating. Really makes you wonder what else was going on.”

I stared out the window, watching the streetlights pass.

Did there really have to be more to it?

Couldn't it just be that Melissa met someone else and he turned to me? Wasn't that enough?

It wasn't until I was lying in bed, clinging to the covers, wishing that I hadn't drank so much and that the room would stop spinning that I realized what Dave meant.

Itreally wasn't like Melissa to cheat. She was a sweetheart. In fact, she was such an angel that I hadn't even begrudged her being with Kamran. She had always adored him. Or so it had seemed...

What had happened?