Page 16 of Unfaithfully Yours

TWELVE

Ryan

This afternoon felt like a dream that probably never really happened.

My house was empty. My bed was empty. If not for the spot on my lip where Kamran had accidentally bit down a little too hard, I don't know if I would have believed it had happened at all.

Somehow, I managed to climb out of bed to grab something to eat. One of the microwave dinners that I'd started to rely on a little too much lately and sat down on the couch, turning on the sports channel to watch highlights while I ate.

It only managed to capture my attention for a few minutes though. My eyes kept flying to the clock on the wall, wondering if Kamran had spoken to Melissa yet. If he was still talking to her, or was done already.

He would call me when he was done though, I assumed. After all, he'd made it sound an awful lot like he wanted more than to just get off today. He'd made it sound like he wanted me. Like in a boyfriend type of way.

My heart skipped a beat and I told it to calm the fuck down, tapping my foot while I waited.

I could get excited after I heard from him and knew he'd spoken to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Once they were at the stage of figuring out how to detangle their lives for real then—and only then, if Kamran still wanted me, I would be able to breathe again.

Until that moment, I would have to hold my breath and hope that I survived.

Except that as the hours passed I thought I might pass out from lack of air.

I felt weak climbing into bed that night, knowing that my classes at school weren't as good when I wasn't in the right headspace and the kids always noticed it.

I didn't think I would be sleeping though. How could I without knowing if Kamran had spoken to Melissa. Was he okay? Had he decided to stay with her?

Oh god. What if they decided to work it out?

I wouldn't be able to handle that. I would have to walk away.

As much as it would hurt like hell, pretending that I didn't love Kamran now would break me.

My phone vibrated on my night stand and my entire body froze. My heart was pounding so hard when I reached for it that I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack until I read the message.

Hey Ryan

Want to meet in the morning for a run before work?

I stared, trying to read between the lines for so long that the words stopped making sense altogether.

Finally, I typed out a reply, feeling like I'd fallen into an alternate universe.

Rocky Point Park?

Sounds good. See you at 6?

K

I frowned at our exchange for about a century before finally deciding that he wanted to talk to me in person.

That meant there was probably stuff he had to say or type when Melissa wasn't around which led me to believe that he hadn't told her about us.

And also, she was probably there right next to him, which meant that he probably hadn't spoken to her at all. ..

I hoped that I was wrong, but Kamran was non-confrontational. He was gruff in personality but gentle at heart. He never fought with anyone, really. He tended to just accept things or let them go.

Would this be one of those things?

In years from now, would he still be with Melissa, having accepted his unhappiness as a state of life?

I tried not to think about it, about what he was going to say when we met tomorrow morning, but my mind raced until hours later.

I fell into a fitful sleep, wishing he was still in my bed, holding tightly to my hand like last time he had stayed the night.

It would be so nice to wake up next to him and know that I didn't have to resist snuggling him and holding him and kissing him absolutely everywhere, just the way I wanted to.

I fell asleep thinking about it and woke up wishing for it.

Then practically leaped out of bed when I realized.

“ My car !”

I’d been so distracted that I hadn’t even thought about going back for it.

Groaning, I resigned myself to catching the early morning bus to meet Kamran because there was no way I wasn’t showing to hear what he had to say.

I found myself standing at the entryway to Rocky Point Park not long later with my stomach in knots.

When Kamran pulled into the parking lot in his car, my entire body buzzed with excitement at getting to see him at the same time that I thought I was going to puke.

He got out of his car, wearing sweats and a hoodie, a hat over his head as the weather had already started to cool and the morning was brisk. I had a jacket on but my ears were a bit cold already.

He glanced over at me, clearly playing it cool and giving me only a nod until he reached me.

“Hey,” he muttered, looking anywhere but at my face. “Ready to go?”

“Uh. Sure,” I said, startled.

He gave me a quick, guarded smile and started running.

Surprised, I fell into step beside him, stomach in knots. No hug or kiss or anything. So much for wanting to come out with me…

Together, we ran along the path that went along the water as the sun started to rise and carried on into the trees. At my side, Kamran's feet beat a steady rhythm with mine, his breath a puff of air that mingled with my own.

I kept glancing over at him, but he never caught my eye until I looked over one time too many and my foot caught an uneven spot on the pavement and I tripped.

I tried to stop myself from hitting the ground, but it was too late and I nearly face planted, just managing to avoid it by hitting the path with my shoulder.

“Fuck!”

I struggled to my feet and Kamran's hands were suddenly on me, trying to help me, but frustration won, and I shrugged them away angrily.

“What the fuck Kamran, just tell me what the hell is going on! You're killing me here.”

He didn't stand back, exactly, but he took his hands off of me and stared for a minute before shuffling his feet like a kid that had done something wrong.

“I just wanted to wait till we got to the lookout,” he said.

“Just tell me now,” I demanded.

And dammit, now my nerves were going haywire, combining with the pain shooting through my arm.

“Are we done?” I asked when he didn't say anything. “Do you regret it, or something?”

Kamran's eyes widened dramatically and this time when he reached for me and I tried to push him away, he didn't let me.

“Ryan,” he whispered, pulling me against him. “I don't think I can even look at you again without wanting to touch you.”

I shivered.

“And you don't want that?”

“No, you dummy. I want it. I told you that yesterday. I want it more than anything. I barely even got a taste yet. It's only going to get worse from here.”

Despite myself, I leaned against him, burrowing into his warmth.

“Then why didn't you call?” I asked. “I was waiting and you've barely said anything.”

He didn't answer for a minute and when I pulled back enough to look at him, he was biting his lip, looking anxious.

“I didn't tell Melissa,” he finally confessed.

I couldn't say that I was surprised, but it still hurt.

“Why not?”

He sighed.

“She had a headache when I got home. I was going to tell her anyway, but then she started telling me about her day and how stressed she was at work and she started crying and I just felt so fucking guilty…”

He shut his eyes.

“The whole time, I wanted to go back to your place and crawl back into bed with you... I feel like the worst person ever, Kamran.”

I didn’t know what to say.

He was standing here, telling me about his wife , and I didn't care.

Did that make me a bad person? The answer to that question was yes. Irrevocably yes. But I was just going to have to get over it fast because that little nugget of truth wasn't enough to stop me from doing this.

I needed Kamran more than I needed air. To feel him, mind, body, and soul, inside and outside and upside down. And no wife was going to stop me.

Not now that I knew he felt the same way.

“Let's get off the path,” I finally said.

He nodded dejectedly and let me lead him to the lookout point, his hand in mine.

This early in the morning, the odd person jogging or walking their dogs would go by, but today, the park was mostly empty.

Maybe that was why I felt bold enough to position him against the railings, looking out at the water before engulfing him in my arms from behind.

He let out a breath, all of the tension leaving his body as he relaxed back against me, sharing my heat.

I pressed my lips to his temple, tasting his sweat on my lips and held him tighter.

“You scared me,” I told him.

“I'm sorry,” he said.

He reached up, gripping my arms.

“I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest. Yeah, the gay part is new and surprising , but it's the easiest part. You make sense. The fact that I never realized that... it bothers me because....”

He trailed off, bowing his head, not even pretending to watch the sun slowly rise over the water in front of us.

“What is it?” I pressed.

He let out a little chuckle.

“I don't want to sound conceited.”

“Go for it,” I said, wondering if this was going to be about me.

“How long have you been into me?” he asked. “Because I know this isn't a big surprise for you, right?”

I froze.

“Ah. You noticed that, huh?” I asked, blushing.

He twisted enough to look at me, amusement in his bright eyes and I was struck by the fact that I was holding him. Kamran. MyKamran. It felt surreal and beautiful.

And I took the opportunity to kiss him because I was aching for it.

His lips felt like heaven. Like a reward for years of patience. His willingness, his soft, warm breath on my face, the small sound he made that only I could hear... it was all better than anything I could have asked for.

“Ryan,” Kamran whispered and the dream continued.

“Yeah?” I breathed.

Before I could kiss him again, he pulled back slightly.

“How long?” he asked. “Please tell me.”

I shook my head, looking into his eyes, wondering how much of myself I should hand over to this man, but in the end, I realized it didn't matter. He already had all of me.

“Always,” I answered.

Something shifted in his eyes. I thought maybe it was amazement that he looked at me with now.