Page 20 of Unfaithfully Yours

FIFTEEN

Kamran

Melissa didn't reply to my messages. She didn't even come home until I was sick with worry, sitting in the living room, staring at the random reality TV series that had started sometime over an hour ago.

Finally, I pulled out my phone and instead of going to her number, I went to her sister Michelle's contact info and hit dial.

I tapped my foot while I waited for her to answer. I didn't want to worry anyone, but Melissa always came home, no matter what else she was up to. She was always in our bed by eleven at the latest.

“Hello?”

Michelle's voice came out slow and suspicious when she answered. Like she was wondering what I was doing calling her. I paused. We had always gotten along. I mean, she had Melissa's back no matter what and would sometimes get argumentative when I least expected it, but generally, we were friendly.

It just made me think that something else was involved. Fuck. She had probably told her everything from her side. Maybe she thought that I was I psycho now or that I'd driven Lissa away on purpose.

“Kamran?” she asked into the silence. “You there?”

“Uh—yeah,” I stammered. “I just—I?—”

I stopped, shook the thoughts away and forced myself to spit it out.

“Lissa never came home tonight and she's not answering my calls or messages.”

There was a long silence.

“Don't want to worry you or anything, but have you heard from her?”

“Uh... about that...”

She trailed off and I cursed softly.

“She's right there, isn't she?”

I could hear Michelle's grimace in her voice.

“Bingo,” she said. “In my defence, I was telling her to at least answer your messages.”

I let out a long, heavy sigh, frustration building in me. This was because of my message. She didn't want to talk. She wouldn’t.

“As long as she's safe,” I grumbled, but then added. “But tell her she's going to have to suck it up and talk to me like a grown up pretty soon. Preferably right now.”

Michelle snorted.

“Yeah, that's not happening,” she said. “She's drunk as a skunk.”

I heard a giggle carry through the line and sagged.

“Okay...” I said slowly. “Does that mean you're keeping her for the night?”

“Mm hm. Most definitely. She'll have to be carried into bed,” then, she added in a whisper, “and is avoiding you right now.”

“Hey, don't tell him that,” I heard Melissa slur.

“For fuck's sake,” I muttered.

“Give her a break,” Michelle chastised. “This is really hard for her.”

“Oh, it's hard for her ?” I demanded, “I just want to talk Michelle, to figure out what the hell comes next and why she?—”

I broke off, emotion cutting me short. I had to shut my eyes and take a deep breath to continue and didn't even know if I should bother.

“I know, this is hard for everyone,” Michelle said, surprising me with the sympathy in her voice. “She's doing her best, okay? She's only human...”

I found myself nodding even though she couldn't see me. Tears suddenly stung my eyes.

“God, this is so hard,” I whispered even though I knew I shouldn't, that Michelle wasLissa'sconfidant, not mine.

“Hold tight, Hun,” she said. “I wish I could fix everything but it is what it is. This is no one's fault, okay? Melissa knows that. I know that. And as soon asyou'reboth ready everything will be okay... you're not going to lose any of us. Got that?”

The firmness in her voice threw me for a loop.

“Wait... what?—”

“Oh shit,” Michelle interrupted, laughing. “Sorry, Lissa just fell off my bed with an entire glass of wine. Have a good night.”

“You too,” I managed before the line went blank.

For a moment, I stared at the phone, mulling over her last words. Did she really think that we would just iron this out? That everything would go back to how it was? Maybe that was the narrative that Melissa was feeding her. Maybe they both thought we could work it out.

Well, that would only make it more awkward to explain that I had already moved on. There was no way that anyone would ever have a claim on my heart the way that Ryan did. He was the only person who had ever hugged me and made me feel like his arms alone could make me whole.

I would question how he had become my person to turn to, to lean on in such a short amount of time, but the truth was, he always had been. I had just been too blind to see it.

And while Melissa was with her sister, probably ranting and letting out steam, I wanted to be with him.

I didn't think that Ryan would mind me showing up at his door.

As I drove, anticipation wound me up tight.

It had only been a few hours but I couldn't wait to see him.

I wanted his arms around me so badly. I wanted to burrow my face into his chest and let his presence wash over me and take every stress away, but as I turned onto his street and neared his house, I slowed down, surprised to see that his car wasn't there.

I pulled into the spot and turned off my car. Sitting there for a long moment looking up at his dark house, I wondered where he was.

He hadn't mentioned having any plans. Then again, we hadn't spoken about much aside from the most pressing issue between us.

Maybe he had gone out to a club or bar when I told him I needed more time earlier. Itwas a Friday night, after all.

For some reason my mind flipped through all the times that he hadn't come out with us over the years.All the nights that I'd stayed in and assumed that he was doing the same.

Was Ryan really out all those nights, picking up? When else did he get to meet guys? Sure, he hadn’t been out of the closet, but he'd known he was gay, and I knew he wasn't celibate... How did he get his fix?

Jealousy swirled in my stomach, nearly making me feel sick.

And a strange thought occurred to me, one I hadn't thought of until now. Was this how Ryan felt all the time I'd been with Melissa? Had he spent nights imagining what we were doing?

Fuck. I wanted to go back. I wanted to fix all of this before it had even started. I wanted to turn past Melissa down and pull past Ryan into my arms and start fresh.

One New Year’s Eve back in college, at the count of midnight, Ryan had jokingly tried to kiss me and I'd shoved him away.

We'd both been laughing, in the middle of a party, taking nothing in life seriously.

But now, I wished that I had gripped the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deep one.

I wished that we'd started before there was enough time for anything else to happen.

The thought of all the time that had been lost ate me up inside, but the realization that I wanted to erase a once happy relationship from my memories was even worse.

Melissa deserved better than that, but it felt like all of our memories together were twisted and poisoned now and I didn't know how to change that.

The fact that I wanted to go back, not to rescue our marriage, but to undo it altogether said everything to me about where my heart was.

Could Melissa tell that I had already moved on? Was that why she didn't want to speak to me? Was it the finality of it all that was getting to her?

For a minute, I sat there unsure what to do next before I pulled out a smoke and slowly finished it, exhaling out the open window.

By the time I tossed the butt, I finally accepted that it was time to go back to wallowing at home.

I turned my car back on, and did a shoulder check just as another car slowed to a stop in front of Ryan's house.

To my chagrin, Ryan climbed out of the passenger seat, stumbling onto the road before he righted himself.

What the fuck? He was drunk...

My stomach dropped as I saw the shadowy figure of a man in the front seat and the next thing I knew, I was outside of my car, marching over to Ryan before the driver even got his door opened fully.

Ryan's eyes widened dramatically when he saw me coming. Just as I reached him, he swayed and I caught him by the arms, holding him still.

I nearly asked him what the hell he was doing bringing someone else home, but he was drunk and it wasn't on him. Still, I had never felt so defensive and possessive in my life and the moment Ryan was steady and the guy stepped out of his car, I was on him.

“What the hell man, he's fucking drunk!” I shouted, shoving him by the shoulders before I realized who it was.

“Jesus! I was just bringing him home. Fucking calm down, Kamran. I'm not planning on fucking your drunk boyfriend and if I knew what a goddamn heathen you were going to be about it, I would have called you to pick up his drunk ass to begin with.”

Half way through Dave’s passionate speech, I realized who I was talking to, froze, looked at his car, back at him, and wished I had half a brain cell.

He stopped talking, hands on his hips, waiting for me to say something.

“Uh...”

“What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were too busy with your wife to see him tonight.”

I cringed.

“I guess it's all out then, huh?”

“You could say that.”

Suddenly, Ryan, having made his way around the front of the car, put his arms protectively around my shoulders.

“Stop bullying him,” he said crossly to Dave.

Dave gaped.

“He's the one who attacked me.”

I had to hold back a smile to reply.

“I thought?—”

“Yeah, I know what you thought,” Dave said, sighing. “No need to get all alpha, okay?”

“He won’t do it again,” Ryan promised, his words melding together in that way only a few drinks or a stroke could do.

I finally looked at him. He was right in my face, smiling at me softly, leaning almost too much of his weight on me. I didn't mind, keeping him up with an arm around his waist and unable to help the warmth that coursed through me like a shot of fireball.

“You okay?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Yeah,” he said and for some reason neither of us could stop smiling. “You came to surprise me?”

“I might have missed you a bit,” I admitted.

“This is so weird,” Dave suddenly whispered.

I looked over at him. I had nearly forgotten he was there. Ever since Ryan and I had started this thing between us, it was like I could only focus on him.