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Disappearing Act

JUSTIN

I feel some disappointment that we didn’t progress our physical relationship any further tonight. I know the reason, though I don’t necessarily understand the why of it. Or agree with it. But whatever, Axel wants us to go slow, so we will. I can’t really complain, the kissing and touching was beyond amazing, though it only stirred up my horniness more, something Axel is apparently in no hurry to do anything about. I have to take care of myself tonight! No matter. We did have a wonderful time together and I think about him as I pleasure myself in the darkness of my bedroom, secure in the knowledge I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow.

Only I don’t.

Sorry. Something came up. Can’t make it today.

I’m disappointed when I receive Axel’s text the next morning, but I try not to reflect that in my reply.

No worries. Let me know when you’re free. ?

Axel doesn’t reply, which is also disappointing but hey, he’s just told me he’s busy, so he’s probably not going to be checking his phone every five minutes. Though I would totally be doing that if the roles were reversed.

Anyway, I suck it up and get on with my day. I’m not feeling like the beach this morning, now that Axel’s not coming, so I sit out in the sunroom and finish off my lorikeet. I’m almost satisfied with the way it’s turned out and the way I’ve managed to create a 3D effect with the feathers.

By the time that’s done, it’s nearly lunchtime and I’ve run out of creative steam, so I set my artwork aside and help get ready for lunch. I spend the afternoon lying around the house, reading. I feel like I’m marking time, waiting. Which of course, I am. I’m waiting for my next chance to see Axel because right now, everything revolves around him. This is the most exciting thing to ever happen to me.

But when dinnertime rolls around, I still haven’t heard from him. I try to stop myself checking my phone all the time, but it’s hard. He still hasn’t been in touch by the time I’m getting ready for bed. Is he just busy? Maybe he had work to do? Is something wrong? I wonder if I should message him. Would that be too much?

Before climbing into bed, I pick up my phone from the dresser and start typing him a message. Then I delete it. I try again. I hesitate and before I can press SEND, I delete the message again. The clatter of the phone as it drops back onto the dresser reflects my mood and I go to bed.

I’m still awake at midnight. I feel uneasy, but I shrug it off. It's probably just that anxiety that creeps up on you in the middle of the night and which looks foolish in daylight. I check my phone again in case I missed something, but there’s still no message from Axel. I remind myself he said he was busy. I switch the phone to silent and get back into bed.

Axel doesn’t text the next day either.

Or the next.

Or even the next.

By Friday, I know I won’t be hearing from him.

I’ve never had a broken heart before, and nothing, nothing , could ever have prepared me for this gut-wrenching, soulcrushing pain. It’s like being on the 20 th floor when the elevator floor tumbles away uncontrolled beneath your feet, like that moment of fear just before the rollercoaster makes its downward dash, like a gut-punch from your best friend. It's like someone has a grasp of my heart and is squeezing tighter and tighter. It’s every sick feeling I’ve ever felt and more. I'm stunned, dazed with disbelief, and my head spins with confusion and grief. We had something, right? I didn't simply imagine the whole thing?

Why would he do this? Lead me on then... nothing?

I want to throw up and I want to cry. I want to punch something and I want to scream.

But through it all, I keep my mask in place. No-one can know what is going on beneath my calm exterior. In my closet, there is no safe place to express my pain. I couldn’t anyway. Even under the covers at night, the tears that streak down my face are silent, because I can’t let go any more than that… the torrent would wash me away.

I thought I had found something. Clearly, I hadn’t. The loss of that something I hadn’t had is more devastating than I could ever imagine.

This is how a heart breaks.