Page 29

Time to Go

JUSTIN

When the alarm goes off in the morning, I’m confused. It’s still dark outside, it’s comfortable in bed, and I have Axel’s warm body up against mine. Why would I want to move? Everything is perfect. I know it’s Axel pressed against me, because I recognize his scent, and I think that’s the only reason I don’t freak out when I realize I’m in bed with a man.

I wait for the rising panic and shame, but it doesn’t come this morning, for which I’m grateful. Yes, I do feel some unease, but I’m able to push that feeling away.

Axel stirs beside me and turns off the alarm. He sits up and when he turns to me, his torso is on display, all firm muscle and smooth skin. A flush rises up my neck as I realize I’m staring, and I drop my eyes self-consciously, but Axel is having none of that.

He takes my hand and places it on the blankets over his crotch. Even through the covers, I can feel his erection. It matches the one I’m sporting too.

“Don’t ever doubt that I want you,” he says, leaning across and caressing the side of my face with one hand. I turn my head and kiss his palm, but I don’t say anything.

“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks gently, removing my hand and taking it in one of his.

“Better than I have for a long time,” I reply. “At least I didn’t freak out this morning.”

He smiles. “That’s true. Progress, right?” Then he frowns, “But don’t worry if it happens again. Trauma’s a bitch. Has a nasty way of biting you again when you least expect it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just want you to know… I won’t judge. I don’t expect any of this will be easy. But no matter what, I’ll be here for you.”

I nod and bite my lip. I wish he didn’t have to see me like this though, so uncertain and, well, damaged. When I think about the other morning, I’m so embarrassed. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but since when does logic have anything to do with feelings?

“So, um, is there anything I can do for you this morning?” Axel looks knowingly at the covers where I’m hiding my own erection.

I like that he’s checking for consent, but with what I’ve been through recently I’d prefer he take charge of the situation. With the guilt and the shame that’s been heaped on me, I don’t know if I can ask for what I need.

Axel slides a hand under the covers, under the waistband of my pajamas and rests it on my thigh.

“Let’s try it this way,” he pauses. “Tell me if this is not ok.”

I simply nod and shift slightly to encourage his hand to go further. I want this, even if I have some conflicting feelings about it. But I know they’re not my real feelings, because I was fine with way more than this before they messed with my head.

“Do you want me to take control?” Axel asks frowning, the look he’s giving me a mixture of concern and affection. I'm glad he's worked it out.

“Yes. Please.”

Axel gently pushes me back down onto the bed, and taking both my hands together, pins them down onto the pillow above my head, holding me in place, albeit so gently I could easily get away if I wanted. But this way, if I need to, I can pretend I'm not choosing this, that it's out of my hands. I don't know yet if I'll need to do that, but even if it's not a very healthy coping mechanism, at least I have it.

Axel's warm hand slides over my hard dick. I tense up briefly, but in my head I tell myself to relax and allow myself to enjoy this. This is Axel, after all, the one person in my world I know I can trust. I allow my eyes to flutter closed and give myself over to the pleasure.

My cock stiffens further in his grasp, as he strokes me lazily. I moan softly. It’s been so long and this feels so good. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it.

Axel withdraws his hand which elicits a protest from me, but he shifts beside me, pushes my pajamas down, slides his cock against mine and wraps his hand around both of them.

My brain does a little short-circuit and all my awareness focusses on the point of connection with his hand, as he strokes us harder and faster. It feels amazing, our cocks sliding against each other, the friction of his hand stroking up and down. My hips move in time with his strokes, pushing into his hand, and he does the same as the tension builds and grows until we’re both straining and moaning softly and when he slides his thumb across my slit and smears the precum across both our heads, I can’t hold back and with a couple of violent thrusts come all over his hand, forgetting that we need to be quiet, until he swallows my cry with a kiss. A few thrusts later, Axel emits a deep guttural groan, his movements stuttering as he follows me over the edge.

My head is still spinning as Axel releases my hands and pulls me onto him into an embrace. Gradually, the frantic racing of our hearts slows, and our ragged breathes become slow and steady.

Afterwards, Axel asks me, “Are you okay? Was that…”

“So good. Didn’t realize how much I needed that. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He kisses me. Then he waggles his eyebrows at me. “Happy to help you out anytime.”

Brrrrrr! Brrrrrr! Brrrrrr!

The annoying sound of the alarm interrupts our post-sex haze.

“Shit!” exclaims Axel. “We need to get going.”

He kisses me. “Come on, up you get!”

I want nothing more than to lie in bed and go back to sleep. Why do we have to get up this early? Clearly sex has wiped my brain, because it takes me a moment or two to figure it out but when I finally do, I’m out of bed faster than I can think.

We take turns in the bathroom cleaning up, and grab the bags Axel packed the night before. There’s no-one around to see us leave the house and we hurry out into the brisk morning air. It's so cold this morning that we make little white clouds with every exhale, and the windows and mirrors of the car Axel has parked in his driveway out of sight of the road, are all fogged. Axel opens the back door.

"Get in and lie down out of sight," his voice is so low I barely hear him, but his intention is clear. If anyone does see him driving, he wants it to appear as if he’s alone. I do as he says.

Axel uses his elbow to clear the fog from the side mirror. He's about to get in the driver's door, when he pauses. He leans in.

“Wait here a moment,” he whispers. “There’s one more thing I have to do before we leave. I’ll be right back.”

Then he’s gone, and I hear the sound of his footsteps heading back to the house.

Time drags while I wait. I’m nervous that something will go wrong. That Axel’s mum will wake up and put a stop to this. Or she’ll call the police. Or… I don’t know, just… anything.

I realize my breathing has become shallow and fast, and I’m in danger of having a panic attack. I focus on my breathing, trying to slow it down, and blocking out thoughts of anything else. The last thing we need is for me to freak out right now. Breathe in through the nose, 1 2 3 4, breathe out through the mouth, 1 2 3 4. Over and over.

After what feels like forever, Axel climbs into the car, and something lands on the passenger seat beside him with a thwack! He seems upset, but doesn’t say anything, just starts the car and backs out of the driveway.

“Something wrong?” I query from where I’m slouched down in the backseat.

“Yeah. But I don’t want to talk about it right now. It doesn’t change anything we’re doing. Don’t worry.”

Of course, I do worry. But I know better than to push him. He’ll tell me when he’s ready. Right now, we just need to get out of here.