Page 40

Melbourne

JUSTIN

Evening finds me on Gran’s doorstep again. I’m very conscious that I’m only here because of Axel’s friends. If he really has left me, maybe I don’t have a place here anymore. Hopefully, he’d just had enough of my parents and I’ll find him waiting for me here.

Gran sees instantly that something is wrong, and when I ask, “Axel?”, she shakes her head and a frown creases her brow.

“He came by and picked up his bag a short time ago,” Gran says.

My face crumples. He has left me.

“Come in and tell me what happened,” she invites me gently.

I have nowhere else to go, so I come inside and begin telling her about yesterday afternoon; my parents’ barely disguised hostility towards Axel, their proposal I stay the night, and Axel's reaction and subsequent ghosting.

I break down and cry before I’ve finished the story. Gran scoops me up in her arms and holds me while the tears flow. Eventually, I sniffle and pull away.

“Can I stay a bit longer?” I ask through my tears. “Until I sort myself out.”

“Of course, you can. I’ve already told you you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”

“I… I wasn’t sure if I could, now that Axel’s… Axel’s…" sniff "… left me.”

“Justin, you’re always welcome in this house. Even if you and Axel can’t work things out. Though why that would be the case, I can’t imagine. That boy is smitten with you.”

“He told my dad he was sick of my drama,” I admit, through a hiccup.

Gran looks skeptical. “That doesn’t sound like Axel. Maybe he just got tired of how your parents were behaving and he’ll come home when he’s had a chance to cool off.”

But Axel doesn’t come back to the house.

I still have the phone he gave me, and I keep trying to contacthim with it, but he doesn’t call or reply to any of my texts, so I figure that tells me all I need to know.

◆◆◆

There’s only a month of swot vac left, followed by the final school exams. I’m already behind in my studies because of all the disruption I’ve had this year. Even with special consideration, it’ll be a miracle if I get the necessary grades to get into any university next year, so I don’t have the luxury of falling apart now.

Somehow, I hold myself together and immerse myself in my studies. Every waking moment is spent studying, preparing. And if I’m studying, I’m not thinking. And if I’m not thinking, I’m not feeling. And if I fall apart in bed each night, at least it doesn’t interfere with my education.

Somehow, I keep going. And somehow, I get through the exams. I’m exhausted by the end of it. I’m drained by the tremendous hours I’ve had to put in to get on top of all the missed study hours, the pressure of the exams themselves, and exhausted from continuously suppressing my emotions. After the exams, I sleep for two days solid, and then cry for two more.

Gran feeds me, and eventually kicks me out of my bedroom and makes me go on errands for her. I know what she’s trying to do, but I resist all the way. I’m drained by the entire year, and I’m despondent. It’s been too much. And the loss of Axel has left me adrift. Add the pressure of facing exams not fully prepared and I’m tumbling into a downward spiral. It gets harder to get out of bed every day. I want to lie there in the dark with the curtains drawn, blocking out the light and the sun. And goddamit, can’t those birds shut up? They’ve got no business being so damn chirpy . I get to the stage where even Gran can’t coax me out of bed.

When a doctor appears in my bedroom one day, I realize I’ve slipped so far I’m in trouble.

There’s talk of admitting me to hospital, but I don’t want to go. Finally, I agree to counseling and medication, and they agree not to admit me. For now.

The therapy and the tablets help. They dampen my emotions. But there’s no light in my life. Still, I can do basic functions again. I go out shopping, on errands, even catch up with some of my old school friends.

One day, friends convince me to go to the beach with them, but although the sand is a different color, the texture finer and there no waves here, the beach reminds me of Axel, and I go home feeling sadder than when I arrived.

Summer has begun and the weather is warmer. I’m waiting for my exam results to arrive. I need to make plans for the summer. I need to make plans for next year. I suppose I should make plans for the holidays.

Since school finished, I've increased my therapy sessions to twice a week trying to undo the damage that was done to meat the Centre. I'm making progress. But then I think of how I don't have Axel any more, and I wonder why I bother. I don't really care about my sexuality at this point. But I do want to be okay again. I want to feel okay about myself, and I want to be able to start a relationship again, if I ever find someone. If I get over Axel.

One sunny day, when Gran asks me to do the grocery shopping, I decide to walk the couple of kilometers to the store and catch the tram home afterwards. There isn’t much to buy, so it’s not long before I’m lining up at the checkout.

The checkout girl stares at me. Well, not at me exactly, or at least not at my face. She’s looking at a spot below my chin and I begin to wonder if I’ve dropped food there or something.

Then her eyes light up and she literally squeals with excitement.

“Oh my god! Is that what I think it is?”

She leans in a lot closer.

“Yes, it is!” She squeaks. “Oh my god, it’s a Soul Necklace, isn’t it?”

"What?"

The only thing she can be talking about – given where her eyes are fixed – is Axel’s neck chain which I’m wearing, though I don’t know why I still do. Maybe because it's the last link I have to him, to a time when everything felt new and special and optimistic.

“Huh? Um… maybe?” I stammer, caught by surprise and confused.

The girl gives me a strange look. “Maybe?”

“This?” I ask, holding up the serpent enwrapped starfish on its fibre chain. “It’s nothing. Just a lucky charm. My friend lent it to me.”

She looks at me incredulously. “Your friend . Sure. You don’t even know what it is, do you?”

She’s right. I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, and I’d like to get this conversation done with because the checkout line is starting to build up behind me. But the girl insists on regaling me with the full blast of her enthusiasm and knowledge.

“That’s not an ordinary neck chain. I’ve never seen one in real life before but I’ve read about them,” she gushes. “I'm studying History with a major in Ancient Artifacts and Mythology.There's said to be an island somewhere in the Pacific, where it was traditional within the indigenous families for everyone to have one of these necklaces. It’s supposedly their soul connection. It’s said the neck chain can’t be given away, it chooses to go. It's believed - or was believed - that the heart itself chose its soulmate, so sometimes it would end up going to people in other relationships, or people the person didn’t think they liked, things like that. It sounds terribly romantic. I mean, it’s probably not real. That side of things is probably just a myth. But if someone gives you one, it isn’t nothing .”

I can feel the blood drain from my face as I take in her words.

“Oh, fuck,” I groan, forgetting all the people lined up behind me. There are some muttered tsk tsks from the line. And irritated murmurings.

“You really didn’t know,” she whispers wonderingly. “Someone’s heart chose you. If she gave you that…” her voice trails away as she stares at the chain wistfully.

“ He ,” I say, dazed. “ He gave it to me.”

I’m vaguely aware that’s the first time I’ve come out in public, but the significance of that pales beside this bombshell she’s dropped on me.

If his heart chose me, why would he walk away?