Page 20

Sydney

AXEL

It’s after 2.30pm when I notice that Justin hasn’t texted me to tell me he’s arrived. After he’d left, I’d thrown myself into work to distract myself, and I’d been so absorbed in the designs I’d been preparing for a client, that I hadn’t noticed the time.

He would have landed half an hour ago, if the plane was on time, but then again maybe it wasn’t. That wouldn't be all that unusual.

By 5 o’clock, he still hasn’t texted and I’m feeling uneasy. It’s foolish, but I check the online news just in case, and no, there hasn’t been a plane crash, an airport strike, a phone carrier outage or anything else that might explain why I haven’t heard from him.

Have I accidentally left my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’? No, I haven’t.

Arrived?

I wait for an answer to my text. And I keep waiting.

My unease grows over the next few hours. I probably shouldn’t be letting myself get worked up about this. There are any number of reasons he might have got caught up… family, friends…

I can’t help feeling a little hurt though. After what we’ve shared, I thought we were close, like, really close. Finally, at 10pm, I shut myself in my room and call him.

The number is disconnected.

I don’t believe it. There must be something wrong with his phone.

I grab my laptop and fire off a short email.

[email protected]

To: [email protected]

Hey, your phone’s not working. Did you arrive ok? Miss you already.

~A

There’s nothing more I can do tonight. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, but I can’t help the niggling feeling that something’s not right. I’m sure I’m being unreasonable, so I try and distract myself with reading, music, a movie. None of it works and I go to bed disappointed.

When I wake the next morning, I’m feeling better. My little freak out of the previous evening was nothing more than an irrational reaction to Justin’s departure. Of course, he has things to do now he’s back and he’s not going to be thinking of me every minute. We weathered the first three months of separation and we’ll manage the rest.

I smile to myself, thinking about Justin: the feel of his warm skin against mine, his sweet shy smile, his gorgeous eyes, and his utter abandon when he comes.

Fuck! My hand goes to my cock and I stroke myself as I think back on the past couple of weeks and the beautiful man that has totally captured my heart. I fantasize about the things I’d like to do to him and I remember the things I have done with him, and it’s only moments before I unload all over my hand and sheets.

Now, as my brain comes fully online, I’m eager to hear from him. I clean myself up and reach for my phone. Puzzled, I see that he still hasn’t replied to my text or my email. Checking the time, I see it’s a reasonable hour, so I hit dial.

The number is still disconnected.

Feeling a bit like a stalker, I have a look at his social media accounts, but there aren’t any new updates and he’s not online. It’s as if he’s completely vanished.

It’s odd.

The question is, has he completely withdrawn, or just withdrawn from me?

This strange information vacuum continues all week. I hear nothing at all from Justin, and I oscillate between trying to rationalize the silence and thinking that he’s dumped me. The latter seems ridiculous given the fortnight we spent together, and yet, as the week comes to a close and I still haven’t heard from him, a terrible sinking feeling takes over the pit of my stomach.

Finally, I can’t stand it anymore.

“Hey, Mum, can you ask Dad to check Justin got home okay? I haven’t heard anything from him since he went back.” I try to make my voice as casual as possible but I’m not sure I’m successful, because my mother gives me a look I can’t quite decipher.

She knows I saw Justin when he was here recently, but I don’t think she knows we’re still involved with each other. Ever since she told me I couldn’t be in a relationship or mess around with him, I’ve been careful not to let her see we’re anything more than friends.

“Sure, I’ll speak to him,” mum tells me, and I have to leave it at that or she’ll know I didn’t stop our relationship when she told me to.

I'm impatient for her answer, and I nearly go crazy waiting, but I daren't ask again. Two days later, she tells me that Justin is apparently fine and back at school. My heart sinks when I get the news. He has dumped me, though I can’t figure out why or what happened.

I try one more time to phone him, though it’s crushing and humiliating to have to do this. Finally, after the phone rings several times, someone answers.

But the voice that answers, isn’t his. Why is this unknown guy answering Justin’s phone? I’m not sure I want to know.

“Uh. H-hi,” I stammer, “can I speak to Justin?”

My heart hammers in my chest, equal parts anticipation and dread.

“Who?”

“Justin. This is his number.”

“Sorry, mate. No Justin here. This is a new number, though, so maybe someone had it before.”

“Oh. Ok. Sorry,” I hang up. At least he’s not cheating on me. I think.

There’s only one more avenue of communication, short of landing on his doorstep, which I am not going to do. So now I’m going to humiliate myself even more. I write a letter… a real letter… asking him to tell me what went wrong and why he’s ghosting me, and I send it by post. Snail mail. So heaven knows if and when he’ll actually get it.

When no answer comes, I clench my teeth, biting down on my humiliation, and write again.

Each day goes by and… just nothing.

What happened? Everything seemed fine – better than, actually – up until and including our last night together. Did I fuck up there somehow? But we’d both enjoyed it, hadn’t we? Now I’m full of self-doubt. Maybe I’d enjoyed it and missed the signs that Justin wasn’t happy about… something . Could that be it? But surely he would have said something? Or I would have noticed something was wrong afterwards? I'm starting to doubt myself.

As weeks go by and I don’t hear from him, I come to the sad realization I’m not going to. At first, I try to put it behind me by going out socializing, but I’m lousy company, morose and withdrawn, and my friends quickly get sick of my sorry self and tell me to get over myself.

Deano is the most sympathetic, but even he won’t put up with my misery for long.

“Mate, I know it sucks, but I warned you someone was gonna get hurt. It was never gonna work anyway. Move on, brother.”

And I do, sort of. I function, kind of. I still work. I still swim and surf. But I feel kinda dead inside. Super-sad, and hopeless. When I get down to the surf in the morning and the sky is grey and the ocean dark and sullen, I just think, yeah, that’s my life. Maybe a shark will find me. I don’t think I really mean it but shit, this hurts.

I suppose this is what depression is. I sleep fitfully on the nights I sleep at all. Dark pits form beneath my eyes. I catch a look at myself in the bathroom mirror one morning and hardly recognize the stranger with flat, lifeless eyes.

I’ve had heartaches before, but they haven’t been like this.

When my parents come home from lunch at the Beechams’ one Sunday and give me the news that Justin is happy with his new girlfriend, I die a little inside.

I feel sad, and maybe a little bit used. With the speed with which he’s found a girlfriend and the way he’s dropped me, it seems like I was just a bit of experimentation. I always knew his star was going to shine brighter than mine, but I let myself fall anyway.

As the weeks drift into months, I learn to live like this. The ache is still there, and I’m not sure it will ever go, so I just have to deal. I try not to think about Justin, shutting down my thoughts if they stray that way. Maybe I’m finally moving on.

Then one night I’m lying on my bed in the dark, watching the night sky through the bedroom window, and I catch sight of Orion’s belt. It reminds me of Justin. A sudden yearning for him rushes through me, and for a while I forget the doubts and the fears and just remember what it was like, us together, that night we lay on the beach and looked up at the stars.

A lone tear slides out of my eye, landing on the pillow.

Could things really have changed so much?

And a girlfriend? I don’t really believe it, though I suppose he could be bi.

What’s going on, Justin?

Am I just an idiot that can’t accept he’s been dumped? Or is something else going on?

I fall asleep still looking at Orion’s belt. Wondering.