Page 2

THEN

July 1983

Kimberly

The Carousel , Spanish Coast

Kimberly lay back on a blue plastic sun lounger, sighing as the warmth of the late afternoon sun washed over her. Her husband, Jason, stood in the shallow water of the kiddies’ pool of the Carousel , a cruise ship with the Blue Wave line. He was playing with their two children, Robert and Lily. She took in Jason’s toned and tanned physique. As a young girl, Kimberly and her best friend had dreamed of marrying stereotypical tall, dark and handsome men. They’d have two children each, a boy and a girl, and live happily ever after.

‘Two out of three, ain’t bad,’ Kimberly sang softly, tears filling her eyes again. She bit the inside of her cheek, and the unbidden emotion obeyed the command, staying hidden.

It was five days into their two-week family cruise around the Mediterranean. A delayed honeymoon, they’d called it. Kimberly had been pregnant with Lily when they’d got married last year. Between chronic morning sickness and taking care of her then eighteen-month-old son Robert, now Jason’s stepson, they’d decided to wait.

Today had been a sea day, a chance to relax by the pool and recharge their batteries, before they arrived in the Spanish port of Barcelona the following morning. Kimberly fidgeted on her sun lounger, keeping her attention on her family. She grabbed a scrunchie and pulled her blonde, shoulder-length hair into a ponytail. Her eyes darted to each child, back and forth. Lily was now six months old, wearing bright orange armbands and giggling as she tried to escape her father’s hold. With her light-brown hair pulled into two tiny bunches on top of her head, Lily was undoubtedly adorable. Quick to smile, their daughter was a big hit with the eight hundred passengers on board the Carousel .

Kimberly turned her attention to Robert, who was two and a half years old, and slight for his age. He’d progressed to a floating ring round his tummy, which had cute dolphins etched on it. His face was scrunched in determination as he tried to swim from one side of the pool to the other. He’d do it too, Kimberly knew. He kicked his legs furiously behind him, but in doing so water splashed over Lily’s face, and she squealed in protest.

‘Hey!’ Jason snapped to Robert, pulling Lily closer to him protectively and wiping her eyes gently with his hand. ‘Watch what you’re doing, buddy. Your little sister is only a baby.’

Kimberly pulled her Wayfarer mirror sunglasses off in irritation. She moved to the pool’s edge and swung her legs into the shallow water.

‘He’s playing. Please remember that he’s only a wee baby too,’ Kimberly hissed to Jason. She waded closer to Robert and then said to her little boy in a softer tone, ‘It’s okay, little lamb. Daddy didn’t mean to shout.’

Robert looked at his stepfather from under his dark eyelashes, his bottom lip trembling. ‘It was a abbident.’

Kimberly sighed as she pulled him in for a reassuring hug. ‘Of course it was. You didn’t do anything wrong.’

‘I don’t think I shouted,’ Jason said, looking from his wife to his stepson, confusion clouding his eyes.

‘People are watching; must you make a scene?’ Kimberly hissed, feeling the stare of an older couple seated close by, taking it all in. Her breath quickened, and despite the vast ocean around them she felt claustrophobic. ‘I’m going back to the cabin with the children.’

Kimberly scooped up both kids with ease, wrapping them in fluffy blue-and-white towels. Jason joined them, pulling a towel round his waist. He lifted Lily into his arms to dry her off.

Why couldn’t he have picked up Robert to let the boy know that he wasn’t cross with him, that the moment was already forgotten?

Her baby girl was oblivious to any worrying family dynamics and squealed again, but this time in delight, as her daddy tickled her.

‘Tickle me too, Daddy,’ Robert asked, raising his arms upwards.

Jason and Kimberly swapped children so Jason could tickle Robert, and peace was restored for the Murphy family.

When Kimberly had met Jason two years previously, the last thing on her mind was dating. Her only thought was taking care of Robert. But she hadn’t bargained on the love she would feel for her new beau, fast and all-enveloping. From the moment he’d knocked on the door of her flat in Dublin, she’d felt an instant attraction to him. And it wasn’t only a physical reaction to his good looks. It was a meeting of two like-minded souls, who both instantly knew that the other was to be an essential part of their future. Jason had proposed shortly after she found out she was expecting Lily. And here Kimberly was, twenty-eight years old, with that perfect family she’d always dreamed of having.

Looks are often deceiving, though.

‘Hey, Kimberly, no sad faces are allowed on holiday,’ Jason said, looking over Robert’s shoulder, a frown creasing his forehead.

‘Ignore me,’ Kimberly said, folding the towels into her large poolside bag. ‘I’m being overly sentimental, that’s all.’ She pointed to Robert, who was now snuggled in his stepfather’s arms. ‘It’s nice to see you two together like that, father and son. I’m sorry I snapped a minute ago. I know I can be a little overprotective.’

Jason’s frown disappeared instantly, and he leaned in to kiss his wife. ‘Forgiven! I can’t stay mad with someone as bonnie as you.’ Jason’s Irish accent changed to Scottish as he mimicked Kimberly’s soft lilt.

‘I couldn’t love him any more if he were my own; you know that, don’t you?’ Jason asked in a low voice as they began their short walk back to their family cabin.

‘Yes. I know that,’ Kimberly replied.

Jason’s face relaxed into an easy smile. ‘Don’t judge me, but I’m glad we have the kids’ club booked for later tonight. I’m looking forward to having a drink with my beautiful wife.’

Kimberly accepted a kiss from Jason as a tension headache began to thump in her temples. She pushed it aside, and within an hour all four of them were showered, bathed, dressed and ready for the evening buffet.

‘You’ve caught the sun – it suits you!’ Jason complimented Kimberly as they waited for the lift. ‘Doesn’t Mama look lovely tonight?’ he said to Robert, who nodded enthusiastically in agreement. ‘In fact, I think we all scrub up well.’

Kimberly took a moment to take their family in. There were striking, dressed in their holiday best, bright colours against sun-kissed skin. Robert and her, blonde and blue-eyed, Jason and Lily, dark with brown eyes.

They found a table at the Carousel buffet, taking turns choosing from the delicacies offered that evening. But as Kimberly spoon-fed Lily her mashed potatoes, she felt the tension headache that had niggled her all day tighten its claws into her.

‘You okay?’ Jason asked, a forkful of stroganoff held in midair. ‘You’ve gone pale.’

‘Headache,’ Kimberly admitted. She steeled herself for an argument, continuing, ‘I’m going to take a sleeping tablet and go to bed early, once the children are asleep. Knock it on its head.’

Jason’s eyes dropped, and his jaw clenched. ‘But the talent show is on tonight in the main theatre. We were going to go. A night for just the two of us.’

Kimberly picked up a napkin and wiped Lily’s face clean, then turned her attention to Robert, who was about to throw a piece of chicken onto the floor. ‘I know that was the plan. And I’m sorry to miss it. I need to sleep this headache off. But there’s no reason why you can’t go alone.’

‘I can’t do that,’ Jason answered warily.

‘Yes, you can. You’ve been looking forward to it. So go. Have a couple of beers. I’ll wake up a new woman, and tomorrow we can have a nice family day in Barcelona.’

Jason needed little encouragement. Kimberly knew she’d been snappy all day, and while her husband was a patient man he was ready for the escape and comfort a cold pint could offer. Jason offered to help her get the kids into bed, but Kimberly insisted he leave immediately. She needed time to herself, without his watchful eyes on her and the children.

If he looks back, I’ll call out and ask him to stay , Kimberly thought after he’d kissed them all goodbye. But he carried on purposefully and disappeared out of sight into the busy atrium of the ship without a backwards glance.

Back in their cabin, once Lily had drunk her bottle, and was drifting off to sleep in her crib, Kimberly turned her attention to Robert, who sat cross-legged on the floor watching TV . Cartoon Tom chased Jerry menacingly around the garden, and a shiver ran down Kimberly’s back as she picked up Robert’s empty night-time bottle of milk from the floor beside him.

‘I drank it all, Mama,’ her little boy said proudly.

‘You are such a good boy. Come here to me,’ Kimberly said, holding her hand out to him.

‘I sleepy, Mama,’ Robert replied, wiping his eyes with his hands. He clasped his beloved Peter Rabbit soft toy in his right hand.

Kimberly picked him up and gently placed him in his sofa bed. Then, climbing in beside him, she read him his favourite bedtime story, Goodnight Moon .

Even before Kimberly was halfway through, the quiet poetry had lulled Robert asleep in her arms. She lay beside him until her eyes became heavy too, the power of her sleeping tablet taking effect. Kimberly almost stayed there, her little boy wrapped up in her arms.

Safe, the two of them together.

The temptation to hold on to him and never let go was overwhelming. But then Lily stirred in her cot, and the sound brought Kimberly back from the brink of sleep. She kissed Robert one last time, breathing in his scent, then carefully placed Peter Rabbit under the crook of his arm.

‘I love you more than the moon,’ Kimberly whispered. Slowly, she made her way back to her double bed, her legs heavy and uncooperative, falling on to the mattress with one last, ‘Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, Lily. Goodnight, Robert . . .’

Her eyes closed, and all was dark.

Lily’s cries woke Kimberly. She sat up, groggily looking around the small cabin in surprise. Her head thumped as if she’d been partying late into the night and she could smell stale beer. It took her a moment to remember that they were on a cruise ship, not at home in Dublin.

‘What time is it?’ Jason mumbled from beneath the bedclothes.

Kimberly looked down at her watch and answered, ‘Seven.’

She pulled Lily from her cot and held her close, instantly soothing her cries. The sound of a vehicle rumbling nearby drifted up to their cabin from outside.

‘We must be docked in Barcelona,’ Jason said, stretching his arms above his head. ‘God, I feel rough! I drank way too much last night.’ He made his way towards Robert’s sofa bed. ‘Wake up, sleepy head. Come on, buddy, let’s go out to the balcony and take a look at Barcelona.’

Jason pulled back the white duvet to reveal an empty bed.

‘He must be in the bathroom,’ Jason said. He opened the en suite door, his expectant smile turning to a frown. ‘Robert’s not in here either.’ Jason’s voice rose as he called out, ‘Buddy, where are you hiding?’

With Lily in her arms, Kimberly joined Jason, and they both searched for their son in the small cabin. Kimberly moved slowly, her legs immobilised with terror. The cabin was only one hundred and forty square feet, so the search was over as quickly as it began.

‘He’s not here. He’s gone . . .’ Jason said, his face white, sweat glistening on his forehead. He ran to the cabin door and opened it, running out into the hallway and calling out their son’s name desperately.

Kimberly clutched her chest, dread twisting her gut and heart.

Then she began to scream.