Page 13

NOW

July 2023

Lily

Phibsborough, Dublin

Lily’s last client of the morning was Zach Brady. And ever since he’d arrived for his appointment she could see that he was like a coiled spring. His eyes darted around the room and his left leg shook so much she could feel the vibrations from her seat across from him. Was it the lack of sleep, she wondered? Or perhaps he was taking something. She looked at his eyes to see if there was any telltale evidence that he had taken drugs. But, while they looked troubled, they were unglazed and clear.

‘Can we get back to your childhood again, Zach?’

They’d had three sessions over the past couple of weeks, and Lily was convinced that the key to unlocking the issues he grappled with, lay with his formative years and his absent father.

‘What do you want to know?’

‘You’ve spoken a lot about your relationship with your siblings and love of the outdoor life on the lake your family enjoyed. What do you remember or know about your life before your mother married your stepfather?’

‘I don’t remember that time. I was too young. Why are you interested in that, anyhow?’ Zach asked, his eyes narrowing.

‘I know. It’s a terrible cliche, delving into a person’s childhood in therapy. You wait and see. Next, I’ll be blaming the parents,’ Lily teased.

He smiled warily in return, but said, ‘I told you several times. I have good parents. I had a great childhood. Whatever is going on with me isn’t their fault.’ But he started to blink rapidly, in what Lily now recognised as one of Zach’s tells that he was lying.

‘I want to talk about the past, in particular, the time when you had nightmares and bad dreams. I’d like to see if we can find a connection between those back then and your insomnia now.’

Zach looked unsure, and he frowned.

‘Our childhood can be highly influential on our adult years,’ Lily continued, then paused as she felt a stab of pain under her rib cage. There was nothing physically wrong with her. She knew that. But whenever her mind drifted back to Ben’s birthday and her mother’s confusing statement about guilt, she’d had a physical reaction.

‘Are you okay?’ Zach asked, his own eyes narrowing as he watched Lily.

‘Sorry. Yes. I’m fine.’ She shifted her position to sit up straight. ‘When you were a child, and something went wrong, who did you go to for help?’

‘My dad,’ Zach answered immediately.

‘Not your mother?’

His nose scrunched up for a moment as he pondered this. ‘If I fell or hurt myself, I’d always go to Mom. She’s loving. A nurturer . . .’ His face clouded, and he paused, leaving his thought unsaid.

Lily knew she had to push him a little further on this. ‘There’s a but there. I can hear it.’

‘Ha! Not much gets past you.’ Zach smiled. ‘Let’s say that I worked out young that there was no point in asking my mother about certain subjects. She’d get this look . . .’

‘Like what?’

‘My biological father was a no-go. I wanted to know his name when I was about eleven. I mean, I always knew that I was Dom’s stepson. But, honestly, we never did the whole step thing. He was just Dad. But then a kid in school reconnected with his birth father, who he’d been estranged from. He was full of stories about how alike they were, and it made me curious. So I asked my mother about my birth father. She shut it down immediately. Refused to discuss him with me. Dad took me aside that evening and explained why.’

‘Can you share that with me?’ Lily asked.

‘Dad told me that my father . . .’ Zach’s face darkened, ‘was abusive to my mother.’

Lily could see so much pain on Zach’s face. ‘I’m sorry. That must have been difficult to learn. How did it make you feel?’

‘Honestly, I was angry at first. The thought of anyone laying a hand on my mom made me want to hit something. But afterwards, once Dad had calmed me down, I felt grateful.’

‘For what?’

‘For my mom’s strength to leave that asshole. For giving us both a better life.’

‘That’s astute from one so young. Looking back, can you understand why she found it difficult to talk to you about it?’

Zach nodded. ‘Of course.’ Then he said flatly, ‘He’s dead now anyhow. My birth father.’

This was new information. ‘When did you find that out?’

‘At the same time, when I was eleven. After I approached Dad about my father, he looked him up. Said he wanted to see what he was up to. He discovered that he’d died a few years previously. He was young. Prostate cancer.’

‘That must have been difficult to hear. How did it make you feel?’

‘That I needed to get my prostate checked.’ Zach’s joke landed awkwardly between them.

Lily raised an eyebrow, giving him time to answer her more honestly.

‘Truthfully, I was relieved that he was dead. It meant that I didn’t have to face him. Otherwise, by now, I would have had to have looked him up, I suppose. And that would have hurt my mother. Perhaps me too. It’s better this way.’

‘Does your mom know about this?’

‘Not as far as I know. Dom and I decided we’d tell her if she ever brought him up to us.’ A shadow passed over his face. He leaned in a little closer to Lily. ‘Mom never wanted to talk about my other mother either.’

‘Did she tell you why that subject was difficult for her?’ Lily asked.

Zach shook his head. ‘She’d pretend she was all cool and happy to talk about anything, but, like with my birth father, I could see that any mention of my other mother distressed her.’

‘She may have thought you created this imaginary friend because you were unhappy with her. Her existence might have been hurtful for her. I think if my son created another mother, despite my head knowing that it was normal, it might sting.’

‘Yeah, I can see how hard it would be for you if Ben did that.’

Lily looked at Zach sharply. ‘How do you know my son’s name?’

‘You mentioned it was his birthday last week. You said his name then,’ Zach said, blinking again.

Lily felt a trickle of unease run down her back. She couldn’t say for sure that she hadn’t mentioned Ben by name, but it was unlike her to do so. She had rules that she stuck by about sharing her personal life.

Zach continued in a rushed voice, ‘My therapist said the same to me when I was a kid. My mom probably couldn’t talk about my other mother because she was jealous. And I believed that to be true throughout my entire life.’

‘You don’t believe that now?’

Zach’s leg began to jitter and shake again. He looked around the room as if half expecting someone to jump out at him.

‘You seem agitated today, Zach. Ever since you walked in, you’ve looked upset. Has something specific happened you want to share?’

He shrugged. And something about the almost scowl on his face made Lily uneasy. An echo of something or someone.

‘What if my other mother wasn’t imaginary?’ Zach asked. ‘What if she was real?’

He stood up abruptly, causing his chair to topple backwards. His hands were balled into tight fists by his sides, and his breathing was erratic. Lily watched him carefully, trying to gauge his mood and level of distress. She’d dealt with demanding clients before, and she knew how to handle situations when they became agitated or angry. Sympathise, empathise, listen.

‘Sit down, Zach,’ Lily said firmly. He made no move to return to his chair, though. ‘I’m sorry you are feeling so upset, Zach. But, please, I need you to sit down.’

‘I lied about why I came to see you,’ Zach whispered, his voice barely audible. ‘I wanted to tell you, every time I’ve been here. But I thought you might throw me out. Say I was crazy.’

Lily felt another pang of concern. She had sensed that Zach had been holding something back. Were they finally going to get to the truth? She smiled encouragingly at him. ‘Nothing you can tell me will shock me, Zach. This is a safe place for you. And I want you to be honest with me. There should be no secrets.’

His face turned ashen, and Lily realised that Zach wasn’t angry. He was scared.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ she said gently, pointing to the chair again. ‘Please sit down.’

He stopped pacing, but remained standing, his eyes fixed on something behind Lily. She swivelled round to follow his gaze to a bookshelf, where a framed graduation photograph of her and her parents sat amongst the books.

Before she had a chance to process this, he continued. ‘I saw the interview. While eating granola and yoghurt, I saw Jason Murphy – your dad.’

Lily stood up. Backing away from the man in front of her, every part of her was now on high alert. Zach reached behind him, and for one horrifying moment Lily thought he was going to pull out a weapon.

Instead, he grabbed a folded page from his jeans pocket. Lily watched silently, her heart hammering in her chest as he unfolded the sheet and placed it on the table between them.

The words Missing for Forty Years and Time for Answers were emblazoned across the top in bold, black letters.

Zach locked eyes with Lily once again. His lips trembled, and his eyes filled with tears as he said seven words that would forever change their lives, ‘I think I’m your older brother, Robert.’