Page 19 of The Secret Love of a Gentleman (The Marlow Family Secrets #3)

Courageous… ‘Will you stay with me?’

‘Of course I will. There is no question of that.’

She touched his cheek, as he had touched hers before they kissed. The moonlight coloured his features in light or dark, making his hair, his eyes and eyelashes darker.

He was beautiful, strong-natured, good-hearted – and he had kissed her.

The emotions dancing along her nerves were not fear or panic. The experiences she knew in her marriage bed whispered, feelings and emotions she had desperately missed.

‘Shall we return?’ he asked.

No. She wanted to stay hidden here and kiss him again, but she could not ask for that.

‘Yes.’ Her hand fell.

He offered his forearm. She held it firmly as they walked from the churchyard, and his hand lay over hers as it had done earlier.

When she faced the door of the Assembly Hall, the sense of panic did not return. Her consciousness remained on the feel of Rob’s arm and his hand over hers .

As they crossed the threshold, the doorman bowed and encouraged them to progress.

‘As I said, you have courage, be brave,’ Rob whispered as they climbed the stairs.

It was not his words that provided comfort; it was his kiss. It had been… genteel… respectful. Considerate. Albert kissed with an intense force, even his kiss had left her lips bruised on occasion.

The memories that flashed like sparks as she climbed the stairs were new – memories of their moments in the churchyard and what a gentle kiss felt like.

At the top of the stairs, he shepherded her into the busy assembly room. A quartet on a dais at the far end of the hall played a country dance. There were three separate lines of couples dancing, and groups talking at the edges of the room.

Her chest tightened as her nerves screamed at the crushing proximity of so many people. Rob’s hand lifted from hers and his arm dropped away from her hand. Her heart plunged, like an iron weight.

‘Drew is over there, look, in the corner. Remember, you have overcome far worse than a local assembly dance, Caro.’

She took a breath and felt Rob’s hand hovering behind her lower back as she walked through the crowd. He did not touch her, yet his hand protected her, ensuring no one else might bump into her, as there was no room to walk side by side.

Drew smiled as she reached him.

She smiled too, though her lips trembled as much as her hands, and her cheeks felt stiff.

‘How are you?’ he asked.

‘Coping,’ she whispered.

‘Bravo, Caro,’ he whispered back.

He stood on one side of her, and Rob on the other. Like knights, ready to defend her against a fire-breathing dragon. The only problem was that the monster was inside her.

‘Would you like a drink, Caro?’ Rob asked.

She nodded.

‘Would you prefer to come to the refreshment table?’ Rather than be left here without him.

‘Yes.’

‘We will join you,’ Mary said.

They walked about the dancers in a line, Rob leading, then Caro, with Drew and Mary following. People would think them silly. She was silly.

Rob accepted a glass of the rum punch from one of the inn’s staff and held it out for her to take. Then accepted another and passed it to Mary.

‘To first steps,’ Mary toasted, when they all had glasses, chiming the rim of her glass against Caro’s.

‘To putting on a brave face,’ Drew answered, knocking the rim of his glass against Caro’s.

‘To dancing,’ Rob concluded, touching his glass to Caro’s. He drank his punch like water, swallowing it down with thirst, before putting down the glass and holding out his hand. ‘Will you partner me in the next dance, Caro?’

She shook her head.

He leaned to her ear. ‘I dare you,’ he teased.

A smile caught at her lips before she took another sip of punch. A moment later, the rum flowed into her blood, warm and strong, feeding her courage.

‘Well, Mary and I shall dance the next,’ Drew stated. ‘As I have come, I may as well indulge her.’ He looked at Mary. ‘If you will indulge me, of course, sweetheart?’

‘Of course I will. I shall not pass on such an opportunity. ’

They smiled at each other. Then Drew looked at Caro. ‘That is, if you will be happy here with Robbie?’

She smiled to reassure him. ‘Go and make Mary happy. You deserve some fun.’

As the song came to a close, and another began. Drew took Mary’s hand.

‘Is dancing fun, then?’ Rob asked.

Caro’s gaze spun to him. ‘It used to be,’ she answered before taking another sip of her drink.

‘If you used to enjoy it, you will enjoy it now.’

She shook her head and lifted her glass to her lips once more. Rob’s fingers touched the base of the glass and tipped it higher. ‘A little more courage, I think. I shall have to get my brother Harry to make a drinker of you.’

Having taken an enforced gulp, she choked a little.

‘Sorry.’ He took the glass from her hand and offered his handkerchief. ‘I watched you at John’s, at the party, before I came to stay at Drew’s. You were watching people dance, as though you wanted to dance.’

‘Rob…’ She could not explain.

‘Tell me what is stopping you?’

‘I do not want to become a spectacle, and my nerves rebel and it nauseates me when men are close. It is a war as to whether I scream, vomit or run. As I said, I do not even know why.’

A sound of amusement escaped from Rob’s throat. ‘I am glad you choose to run.’

‘The other options may follow, you just do not see or hear them,’ she joked. Talking to him was calming her nerves, as his company always did.

His lips parted in a grin for a moment, then his expression became serious. ‘If you are a spectacle here, if people stare or talk, it will only be because you are beautiful. Yet, that is not the heart of your issue, is it?’

Warmth glowed in her skin, fired by the knowledge that he thought her beautiful.

‘I have wondered whether what you feel is wounded pride, Caro. Whether your embarrassment has become a fear of embarrassment.’

‘That makes me sound pompous.’

He shook his head, his lips twitching up into a more fleeting smile. ‘No, I think you are injured. Like a bird with a broken wing who can no longer fly. Would you like more punch? It is too late to join this dance.’

‘No, thank you. My mother used to drink excessively. I have never been comfortable with liquor. I think it was an excess of alcohol that brought Drew and me into the world. I believe she knows who Drew’s father is but cannot even remember mine.’

The expression in Rob’s eyes became pity.

‘Do not pity me for that. I came to terms with my parentage long ago.’

‘Then, what should I pity you for? Should I feel sorry for a woman who likes to dance but cannot persuade her nerves to allow it?’

She made a childish face, screwing up her lips and shaking her head, in a silent reprimand for his too clever response.

‘It is a glass prison cell of your own making,’ he said. ‘Because you built them, you can easily break the walls with a good kick. Kilbride’s actions may have been the initial cause, but you chose to remain inside when the threat has gone.’

She breathed in, and the air reached the bottom of her lungs as the tight band around her chest relaxed.

‘Break out. Kick the glass and shatter it. Dance the next with me. ’

‘Rob—’

‘ I cannot… ’ He mimicked her voice. ‘Only because you will not. But half an hour ago you believed you could not walk into this room. At the beginning of the summer, you could not abide being in a room with me or let me touch you. You can do anything you wish. Dance.’

She breathed again. Thinking about the possibility of holding another man’s hand if the dance required swapping partners for some steps. Yet… What did she think they would do? What would holding their hand do? Nothing. Nothing!

It was as though a shackle popped open – she saw the truth, and the fear released her. She saw herself as though she were someone standing outside her body, she could not even understand why she had been afraid.

‘You had the courage to escape your marriage, I imagine that was more like a real prison. Surely this will be easier…’

Perhaps that was why the fear trapped her, because she had never wholly escaped Albert.

Because she kept Albert in her thoughts and heart.

It angered him when she danced with or touched other men for any reason.

Perhaps some part of her still feared the consequences.

The pulse of her heartbeat throbbed all the way to her fingertips.

The tempo of the music changed, the country dance came to a close and they began playing a waltz.

Rob held out his hand. ‘I dare you.’ His smile glinted in his eyes. ‘Caro,’ he bowed slightly, ‘may I have the honour of this waltz?’

‘You are a fool,’ she said as she lay her hand on his.

‘While you are the most beautiful woman in this room.’

He stepped backwards, leading her in among the dancers, a palm resting on her lower back, his whole body only two inches from hers .

The emotions writhing in her nerves were not derived from any sense of fear. She had physical feelings for him. Desire. Sensations she never imagined feeling for anyone other than Albert.

The pressure of his palm on her back steered her through the steps.

She loved to dance when she was younger. It was a wonderful feeling to spin with the rhythm of the music. Perhaps he was right, perhaps wounded pride made her punish herself, for failing Albert so terribly. But surely, she had served her penance now.

She would always love and mourn her lost children, but she would no longer mourn the loss of her marriage and deprive herself of the basic elements of life – dancing.

She looked into Rob’s eyes and forgot about anything except the music, and the guidance of his strong hands.

She was breathless when the dance came to an end, and disappointed when Rob’s hand slipped away from her back. They joined Mary and Drew at the edge of the floor.

‘Caro…’ Drew’s eyes sparkled, as though the daft man had tears in his eyes. ‘Will you dance the next with me? I shall willingly make a cake of myself no matter what the dance is, it is wonderful to see you smile.’

She actually laughed at him, no longer afraid or anxious.

Her third dance was with the physician who had treated Mary through two pregnancies.

Caro knew him, she had shared a pot of tea with him at the house.

Her fingers trembled a little as she accepted his hand, but as they danced a jolly country dance her nerves eased.

Rob danced with Mary in the line beside them, smiling towards her.

She was returned to Drew’s side, flushed and smiling. He stood beside a man she did not know. ‘Caroline, this is Mr Slade, he rents one of my farms. Mr Slade, this is my sister, Lady Kilbride.’

The farmer bowed. ‘Would you care to dance with me, ma’am?’

Caro’s skin heated by a degree. He must have come to wait with Drew so he might ask.

‘Indeed.’ She offered her hand.

She had forgotten how to live when she ran away from Albert. Or perhaps chosen not to live, torturing herself for her failures. No longer.

It became the pattern of the evening. She did not sit down. Each time a dance ended, another gentleman was introduced to her, and she danced with her brother and with Rob again too.

When they travelled home in Drew’s carriage, it was two in the morning, and she was tired and quiet, as a melee of emotions fought and hummed within her like a busy beehive. But happiness was the first of the emotions.

She was physically exhausted yet she did not think she would be capable of sleep.

Her gaze collided with Drew’s. He sent her a gleeful smile, and shook his head at her, as though in wonder. She had surprised him, but also surprised herself.

Mary’s head rested against his shoulder, as he held her hand in his lap. She was asleep.

Caro looked at Rob, who sat close beside her. He was staring out of the far window. She wished to hold his hand and lean against his shoulder.