Page 172 of The Illicit Play

I felt joy like I’d never experienced it.

That’s why I came back here tonight. I was hankering for that feeling again.

A cloud, which was covering the moon, glides away, allowing a shaft of light to flood my little spot here on the edge of this cliff. I stare up at the pale orb in the sky, my lips parting as that sense of wonder takes me out again.

Being out here, even in this precarious state… it’s… it’s where I belong.

Not in a library surrounded by books, but out here. I want to be out here!

Which means I need to stop fucking up my life and make it happen.

Inspired, my brain starts calculating all the ways it could happen. What kind of jobs work in nature? What kind of training would I need to do?

The minutes tick by as I work out a plan in my head.

My chest starts to thrum as images of me hiking through the forest with a kick-ass camera flood me. I see myself snapping images, selling them to nature-loving websites. Maybe I could even start my own company? I could learn all there is to know about photography and selling photographs. Coffee table books, large prints—there’s so much potential, right?

And maybe I could tie that in with conservation, the way Grady wants to do with his engineering. Maybe showing people how truly amazing and beautiful this world is could inspire them to get out into it, to preserve it, to…

I start to smile, more ideas exploding in my brain as an excitement I’ve never felt before starts to buzz through me.

I want that. I want that life.

So go get it.

I swallow, the thought of telling my parents making me shudder.

Seriously, you’re still afraid? Look at where you are right now!

The thought makes me stiffen, and then this weird laugh pops out of my mouth. I’m basically facing down death. There’s a serious chance I won’t get found and this is the end of the line for me… and I’m still shuddering at the thought of telling the truth?

I am so screwed in the head.

Another laugh pops out of me, but it quickly turns into a tearful little wail.

Shit, if I do survive this, I have to get the fuck over myself.

I have to stop bullshitting my way through life and stop striving for people’s approval.

The only approval I really need is my own.

I need to stop making decisions out of fear and start making them based on what lights me up and gets me excited.

I have to get my life together, and I need to tell my parents that it’s my turn to start making the big decisions. They think they’re supporting me by constantly giving me advice, pushing me, demanding certain standards, but all it’s done is pressured me to the point of exploding into a reckless idiot child.

“I want to do photography.” I test it out, picturing them in front of me as I lay out my plans. “And I want to stay in Nolan. I love it there. I’m not a big-city girl. I never have been. I just didn’t realize it until I had the opportunity to be somewhere small-town.” Gripping my legs a little tighter, I battle my chattering teeth and quaking insides to keep telling them all the things I want to do.

“And I want to be with Grady,” I finish, my bravado dying the second his name slips off my lips.

That’s not really up to me, is it?

I may want him, but he’s probably already back with Teah.

And I need to get on with my life and just hope that one day, he’ll come back to me… or I’ll find someone else who is exactly like him.

CHAPTER 61

GRADY