Page 170 of The Illicit Play

CHAPTER 60

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I survived the panic attack.

I don’t know how. I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Or maybe my heart was going to explode. But somehow, I managed to keep breathing. Somehow, I managed to push my back into the rock and lock my body into position until that wave of dizzying nausea passed and I could inhale a full breath again.

I feel sick now.

Drained.

But I’m too afraid to close my eyes and fall asleep.

What if my limp body slips off this shelf?

I’m not ready to die.

The thought makes my insides hitch, and once they start trembling, they won’t stop. It’s fucking freezing up here.

Checking my watch, I light up the little screen and wince at the crack across the glass.

Shit.

The time is still showing, though, and it’s one thirty inthe morning. The temperatures are only going to keep falling and…

My jacket.

Feeling around my waist, I let out a surprised, choking laugh when I notice my jacket survived the fall. Carefully untying it, I inch it around my body, my ankle whining in protest.

I hiss but refuse to straighten my leg. If I do that, my foot will be dangling off the side of this little shelf, and that’s too much.

I have no idea how high up I am or how steep the drop is. But my imagination is filling in the blanks, and it’s terrifying. So I keep my extremities as close to my body as I can while wrestling the jacket out from under my butt and around my torso.

Rather than putting it on, I use it as a blanket, wrapping it around myself and bunching it under my chin. My teeth are starting to chatter. This is going to be a fucking long night.

Glancing up at the night sky, I try not to get freaked out by the vast expanse and instead focus on the twinkling stars. I home in on a cluster of three and stare at them until they blur.

Closing my eyes, I feel that edge of exhaustion tugging at me. The adrenaline is fading from my body, but?—

I snap my eyes open, willing another injection of that stuff to course through my veins.

I can’t rest. I can’t relax.

“Stay awake,” I order myself. “You have to stay awake.”

A cold breeze whistles over my face, and even though it makes me shiver, I welcome it. I need it to keep mealert. Sleep is not an option on this precarious shelf. I have to keep my wits about me and stay still.

Tightening my grip around my legs, I pull the jacket even closer to my chest and start whispering under my breath. I play the alphabet game because it used to calm me as a kid.

“Pick a topic, sis,” Wily would tell me.

Wily. Shit, I miss him. I’ve screwed up so badly. I lost him without even meaning to, and it’s never gonna be the same again.

I’m not his sweet little sister anymore, the one he’s determined to protect.

I’m the lying delinquent who had to withdraw from college. The girl who got herself arrested. The one who lost her V-card because Cleo dared her to do it, and Nico had never done a virgin before.

Shit, I’m such a fucking loser.