Page 123 of The Illicit Play

His jaw works to the side, and he mutters, “We could have at least split the bill.”

Ugh! I hate that idea!

I’m not sure why it feels like a slap to the face, but it does, so I spin on my heel and march my dirty boots out of the diner at a fast clip.

He catches me easily, because of course he does. He’s Flash, right? Quick and strong and agile and… my bear.

My brain tortures me with images of his naked body. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever been with, and I’ll never get over him. I know it as I buckle myself into the Jeep and we head for Nolan.

We don’t say anything, and it’s like a bucket of cold water has been poured over us.

Not just one bucket, multiple buckets.

We’re driving back to Football Frat in a metaphorical rainstorm, and neither of us can break the silence.

There’s not even music playing.

All I can hear is the hum of the engine. All I can feel is the thrumming in my chest.

Part of me wants to start yelling and ranting.

I’m pissed off at myself for even suggesting this fling idea. What the hell was I thinking?

I should have just controlled my raging libido and left him alone like he wanted me to.

And missed out on everything you shared?

Forget it!

But what’s the alternative?

Fessing up to my big brother.

That’s gonna go down like a glass of warm sick. He may not be my keeper or my boss, but there are rules, and I made Grady break them. I forced myself all over the guy, and if Wily finds out, Grady’s the one who will pay the price.

I can’t keep doing this. Breaking rules and hurting people.

Grady’s good. He doesn’t deserve all my shit.

I won’t put him in Wily’s line of fire.

This just has to be over. They’ll be sweet memories I can cling to on those days and nights my brain’s about ready to explode as I try to figure out how to tell the people I love that I’ve let them all down in the worst way possible.

My stomach clenches, my entire body seizing up as I picture how that’s all gonna play out.

Fuck! Not tonight. I can’t face that tonight!

We reach Nolan, and Grady glances at me. I quickly look away from him, keeping my eyes out the window as we drive through this university town. It’s pretty here. I’ve always liked Nolan, but I didn’t want to attend here and end up in my brother’s shadow.

Besides, Chicago was a better choice for the things I wanted to pursue.

At least the things my parents thought I should want.

What am I going to do now?

The urge to throw myself out of this car and just start running is overwhelming.

I can’t do this! I can’t face this!