Page 120 of The Illicit Play

I barely got any sleep, drifting in and out while my heart mourned the loss that’s coming.

“You okay?”

Glancing up, I notice Grady’s stopped ahead of me. I didn’t realize my pace had slowed so much. I wish I could ask him for another foot rub. If I drop to my knees and beg to just camp here for the rest of the year, would he agree to it?

Nope. Look at his face. He’s set on this decision. He won’t betray his friend.

I could argue that hehasbetrayed his friend, but that will contradict my reasoning for having this fling in the first place. He only agreed to it because no one would ever find out.

Forcing a smile, I nod and pick up my pace, my body complaining, like it knows this is about to end and it doesn’t have to soldier on anymore.

“Just think about that hot shower or bath you’re gonna take as soon as we get back.” He’s trying to encourage me, but his voice is lacking a cheerful edge.

He knows as well as I do that a hot shower can’t be half as good as two naked bodies in a freezing-cold lake. It’ll never beat stargazing and strip poker. It can’t be better than disappearing into a forest and listening to a symphony of insects and birds, the rustling of leaves as the breeze blows through the trees.

Nothing can beat this.

Not a fucking hot shower.

Not easy access to hot food.

Nothing.

I feel like I’m walking out of heaven, back into a nightmare of choices and confessions.

Keep walking. You have to keep moving forward.

Lifting one concrete foot after the other, I trek after Grady until we’ve nearly reached the parking lot.

I can tell we’re almost there because his steps have slowed too. He’s shuffling along like a tortoise, and I’m soon right behind him, snatching his hand and gripping it like my life will be in jeopardy if I let go.

Through the trees, I spot the edge of a red Jeep and quickly yank on Grady’s hand. He stutters to a stop, spinning to face me.

He silently asks me what’s wrong, and my throat swells, turning my words into a raspy whisper. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

My eyes fill with tears, a smile curling my lips as I sniff and look around us. “For bringing me to this amazing place. For always looking after me. For helping me at the liquor store. For rescuing me at that party.” A shudder makes my spine twitch. “If you hadn’t come…” My voice catches. Why the hell am I saying all this now?

Why am I bringing up the fact that I’m a trainwreck?

Because reality is knocking on your door! You’re about to head straight back into it, and you’re fucking terrified!

“Hey.” He steps into my space, cupping my cheek and gazing down at me like he actually gives a shit. A genuine one. This man cares about me, and I can feel it all the way to my core. “I’ll always be here for you, okay? That won’t change when we get back to Nolan. You can always call me for help.”

“But not more.” The words are so quiet, I’m not sure he can even hear them.

His brown eyes search my face, his forehead wrinkling with a look of… desperation, maybe?

And then his lips are on mine—covering them, owning them.

I rise to my tiptoes, gripping his bag straps and hauling him against me. We stumble back together, falling off the trail and against a thick tree trunk, where he steadies me, lashing his tongue against mine and drinking, taking, devouring every last piece of my soul.

I give it to him freely.

It’s all his because this man is…

He can’t be everything. Don’t you fucking think that! He’s not yours. This is over!