Page 132 of The Illicit Play

Is it a panic attack?

Why is everything so blurry?

How can I go from calmly lying beside him to this!

“Bee. Baby.” He’s still calling to me, his calloused thumbs rubbing my cheeks. “Breathe. Just breathe. Inhale. You can do it.”

A short burst of air rushes into me.

“Good. And again.”

I suck in a little more, my vision starting to clear.

“And again. Breathe again. You can do it.”

“I… I…” Shaking my head, I try to speak, but?—

“Breathe.” He leans in close, saying it with such authority that I have no choice but to take a full breath.

It hits my lungs and I blink, my eyes glassing over as he comes into full focus. “What’s happening to me?”

“You’re having a panic attack, but you’re going to be okay.” His voice is so smooth and even, so calm and steady. I cling to it, to him, my hands reaching for his solid arms.

Clutching his wrists, I hold on and whimper.

“Keep breathing,” he instructs me, and I do. I take a breath and then another until finally… slowly… I return to myself.

My skin feels clammy and hot, my heart racing erratically, but that sensation is starting to ebb. I can breathe again. Loosening the pincer grip on his wrists, I run my hands down his arms but can’t let go.

Not just yet.

That sucked.

Holy shit, that sucked so bad.

“Hey,” Grady whispers.

My eyes dart to his. “Why did that just happen?”

“I don’t know.” His voice is low and gravelly, his expression pained. “We were talking about telling your family the truth.”

He’s saying it carefully, like he’s worried he might trigger me all over again.

But I’ve been wrestling with this for months. Why the sudden attack now?

Because it’s so close. It’s so near. If you want to be with Grady, you can’t hide from this anymore. You have no way out but the truth, and that scares the shit out of you!

Closing my eyes, I suck in a shaky breath, my entire body shuddering.

“Blake, you told me, and you survived it just fine.”

I keep my eyes shut, unwilling to look at him, even though he’s trying to encourage me.

“Your family loves you.”

“You don’t understand.” My voice is soft and raspy. “They’ll be so let down.”

“It’ll be worse if they find out another way. It has to come from you.”