Page 3 of The Handyman and The Drama Queen (Myths, Legends, and Southern Charm #1)

Stone

“Alright, who are we going to torment?” Well, it was just me thinking out loud, but my drama ghost was with me in spirit.

Ha.

Spirit.

Okay, no telling my drama queen what a dork I was.

“Focus.” Driving back into town didn’t give me nearly long enough to dawdle. His house might’ve felt like it was in the middle of nowhere, but the whole town was in the middle of nowhere, so everything was closer than expected. “Not family. That’d get awkward eventually.”

Dick talk was not something anyone in the family could keep to themselves.

“No one that gossips a lot.” Town didn’t have a ton of ghosts but that dropped the list to a fraction of the population. “Someone who’s been dead long enough to be helpful too.”

Okay, I was making progress.

I’d narrowed my list down to one person.

Close to a hundred years dead should mean he had answers to at least some of my questions.

It was back to the gonna be awkward side of things, but he’d been helpful when I was a kid, so I was hoping that would work in my favor.

He couldn’t have changed much in thirty years, right?

Elementary school couldn’t have been that long ago, could it?

Detouring toward the town library, which was a marble mansion-looking thing that’d been built well over a hundred years ago, I told myself I should’ve read more. “He’s going to ask what the last book I read was and technically that was online porn. I’m not telling Mr. Washington that.”

He was old as fuck, and from what I remembered as a kid, ridiculously judgmental on books. “News. I’ll tell him I read a lot of news.”

I listened to it, so that had to count at least somewhat.

“It’s going to be fine.” Repeating that a few too many times as I pulled in behind the library, I took a deep breath and did my best not to look stupid or suspicious. “He’s a librarian. He helps people for a living.”

Climbing out of my truck, I shut the door and walked up to the back of the building, hoping Mr. Washington wasn’t going to be annoyed with my showing up after hours. Technically it was allowed—I remembered Andy’s sister talking about coming by last week for one reason or another.

She did nothing but talk, though, so I had no idea what she’d actually said about it.

“Where is the bell? Where is the bell?” Ha. Found it. Pressing the discreet-looking doorbell, I took a deep breath and waited. “Alright, he’s here to help.”

It’d been a lot easier to look casual in front of my interesting new friend because he’d needed me to be confident.

“Yes, Mr. Marlow, I am indeed here to help.” Coming across as stern and almost bored as he stepped through the back door, he quickly looked down his nose at me as he shifted to be more solid. And considering that he was wearing a suit from at least a hundred years ago, it helped him fit the part. “However, for legal reasons, checkouts must be done during business hours by someone corporeal .”

Mr. Washington’s dry tone said he was still pissed about that court stuff back in the fifties. I didn’t blame him, but I wasn’t the one who’d made those bad decisions.

“That is not the expertise I would like to speak to you about, Mr. Washington, although I know you take your role here very seriously.” Here we go. “It’s your extensive knowledge of being non-corporeal that I would like to discuss with you.”

His head cocked.

Interesting…and he hadn’t asked me about books yet.

“Have you decided to join the nonliving, Mr. Marlow?” His question was probably logical from his end but it startled me.

“No.” That was just weird to think about. “I met a new friend over at the old Johnson place. He was the owner that only lived there for a couple of days before he was electrocuted. I don’t know if you heard about that.”

There was no way someone hadn’t gossiped about it, so I wasn’t surprised when he nodded. “Yes, I’d seen the legal paperwork get updated in the county records. I’ll add him to the local registry of non-corporeal beings.”

Not sleeping gave him a lot of time to research.

And speaking of that…

“My new friend doesn’t seem to understand his limits or it might be because he hasn’t been dead long, but his interactions with the physical world are strange.” I’d been waiting to see if he’d notice but he hadn’t. “He walks through walls and doors just fine, but he can also sit on furniture when he’s not thinking about it, but he doesn’t seem to be able to do things like touch the TV.”

It was an interesting set of limits. “Would you be able to give me some guidance to pass along? I’m not sure if it’s mental or if he needs to grow stronger?”

I really should’ve paid more attention to the details of that kind of stuff growing up. It just hadn’t been necessary when my family had other ridiculousness going on.

“Ah.” Nodding, Mr. Washington gestured toward a bench that was against the side of the building. “Please have a seat, Mr. Marlow.”

“Thank you.” Following him over was the only thing to do, so I did my best to remember my manners as I joined him on the bench. “I have to admit I wasn’t much help in answering his questions about being a ghost, but I did my best to get to know him and to give him time to vent. He’s been lonely.”

And I was betting he’d always been dramatic, but I didn’t think Mr. Washington needed to know that part.

“Yes, it would be a stressful transition without anyone knowledgeable to lead the way. Very good, Mr. Marlow.” His expression seemed to mean he didn’t see me as a kid any longer, which I hoped would help with my next part. “Please feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them. However, once he’s fully manifested after his death, it’s usually just a matter of using his will for him to interact with the physical world.”

Mr. Washington paused and frowned thoughtfully. “His stress has probably made controlling his desires more difficult, but assuming he was human in life, that is also probably affecting how he interacts with the things he desires.”

And speaking of desires.

“I was hoping I was right about that, so thank you for confirming it for me. Making him more stressed about his situation was the last thing I wanted to do.” However, there were other things I wanted to do…but how was that part of the conversation going to work? “Um, we ended up spending quite a bit of time together this afternoon as I got to know him, and he finally came around to mentioning another problem he was worried about.”

Mr. Washington raised one eyebrow and made a curious hum, but his patience told me he was content to let me squirm.

He really hadn’t changed since I’d come in on field trips as a kid.

“He died as a young man in his late twenties or early thirties, and well, he has a lot of time on his hands and privacy at the moment.” The asshole was just blinking at me and looking bored again. “I know you’ll be discreet about this. You always are, but he’s nervous.”

And I was trying not to squirm.

“Do you know what reactions his body is capable of…experiencing? He realizes he doesn’t need to eat, but some other functions I wasn’t sure how to explain.” Hoping that was clear enough without having to say erection and orgasm, I waited and did my best to look confident about the discussion.

Mr. Washington made me wait a few long moments before he actually smiled, though. “Very well done, Mr. Marlow. That was a polite way of making your question understood.”

Thank the gods above.

“I’m glad. Making anyone uncomfortable is not my goal. Information is. He’s a nice guy, but he’s confused.” He was hot too once someone looked past his outfit and his drama.

“Nice. Yes. I see.” Mr. Washington gave me a knowing look, but he didn’t laugh or tease about whatever assumptions he was making. “You seem to remember from your basic instruction that he cannot eat and won’t have to deal with anything associated with digestion, but his will has a profound impact on the rest of his experiences.”

How profound?

Thankfully, he didn’t make me ask.

“With the right focus, he can experience taste although it is more memory-based than real physical interactions. The magic on that is still up for debate, but I can tell you I have a preference for chocolate over vanilla as it relates to ice cream desserts.” Since he seemed pleased about that, I smiled and nodded.

He must’ve liked my reaction because he nodded again and kept the conversation going in the right direction. “That can be something you explore on later dates, Mr. Marlow, but for now we’ll focus on your other questions.”

Clearly, I hadn’t been as subtle as I’d hoped.

“Thank you, Mr. Washington.” No point in lying. “He’s hesitant to be more than simply casual friends under what he sees as the circumstances. I was hoping information would make things easier. Not knowing is scarier in most situations.”

“I would have to agree with you, Mr. Marlow. Some information is more delicate than others, however.” Still taking things seriously, Mr. Washington didn’t look embarrassed about the topic, thankfully.

It did make me wonder what else people had been asking him to look up in the library for him to be so relaxed about erections. “In this case, for most non-corporeal beings that were human in life, they are able to have what seems to be called a dry orgasm in this day and age.”

Oh.

That was good to know.

“Thank you.” That was something we could work with. “So it’s still one of those mental block kind of things? His anxiety was high when I showed up and he finally had someone to interact with.”

I was going to have to find out who the electricians were that’d come out to the house, though. He’d made it sound like they couldn’t interact with him at all. If they could see him and had been fucking with him, well, I was going to tell my mother and then everyone in town would know in about twenty-four hours.

“Yes. Males of many species do not respond well to stress.” The delicate way he put it almost made me smile. “His belief that things will not work is also likely hampering his… success .”

Yeah, that happened with live guys too.

“Thank you for that information.” For a variety of reasons. “Can you think of other important facts I need to pass along? I have to admit to being inadequate in this area, but I want to make up for that.”

It felt like I should’ve been able to be more helpful to start with, but my interactions with ghosts had been on very professional or very casual levels.

“In your position, I would consider whether or not you’d introduced yourself properly.” Narrowing his gaze, he frowned at me. “You have not once used his name, Mr. Marlow, and I am positive that is not because you see him as lesser.”

Oops.

He was right. SpaghettiOs Guy needed a real name eventually.

“Our initial meeting was a surprise.” Understatement of the year, right there. “I will make a better impression when I go back tomorrow.”

And I’d tell him my name too…although mine was on the side of my truck, so he might’ve noticed already?

Giving me a slightly pretentious-looking nod, he let us move past that bit of awkwardness and we talked for a few more minutes with Mr. Washington explaining a variety of information that I said I’d pass along. He definitely thought it was sad that my new friend had died so far out of town, but that couldn’t be helped. The most frustrating thing in the current ghost population was that most of them could only interact with emails and phone calls, so he was conscious of how isolated and alone some of them were.

“Thank you, Mr. Washington.” As he finally went back in the building, determined to get back to planning the next field trip from the preschool down the street, I climbed in my truck and felt a bit like the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

“Now what?” Relaxing back into the seat, I took a deep breath and fished out my notebook again. “Alright, I’m calling Elizabeth even if it’s after hours. I want to know where the fuck she’s been getting her subcontractors from. Then the electronics store. Someone has to have a radio with easy-to-operate buttons.”

The one we’d found would work for the time being, but the buttons were tiny and I wasn’t sure my nameless friend would have the dexterity to work them anytime soon.

“And apologizing for the name thing goes on the top of the list for tomorrow.” In my defense, I’d been more focused on getting him calm and distracted. “But he can’t complain much because he didn’t ask mine either.”

He’d been too focused on my dick.

Grinning, I shook my head and tossed the notebook and pen into the console before grabbing my phone. “Alright, nonsense first, errands second, takeout third.”

Pulling up Elizabeth’s number, I dialed her and didn’t bother apologizing for probably interrupting her dinner. As soon as the line connected, I charged right in before she could distract me. “Do you know that house is still really dangerous? The electricians you hired should be fired or sued. You can’t rent it out if it’s going to kill someone else, Elizabeth.”

And speaking of that.

Before she could chime in, I kept going. “And why didn’t you tell me that house is haunted by the previous owner? You can’t leave that stuff out. Having someone around makes every job take longer and you know it. We’ve had this discussion.”

Because she kept hiring me for jobs with little old lady clients.

“Oh, is he there? I hadn’t realized.”

Seemingly ignoring the fact that the house was still going to kill someone, she tried to downplay the situation. “I’ll stop around and say hello then. Did he mention if he’ll have problems with renters?”

That was what she was worried about?

How did she not know about any of that?

“Elizabeth. The house is dangerous. Who did you hire to work on the electrical and were you the one who sold the previous owner the house?” She was ditzy but not usually out to kill her clients.

“Ezra? Yes, he was a nice young man. It was a tragic accident but we’ve gotten the issues fixed.” She said it with such confidence, I sighed.

Wait.

His name was Ezra?

Pushing that thought away, I stayed on point.

“No, you have not.” Was this stupidity or maliciousness? “And if you don’t start explaining things, I’m going to go hang out at the coffee shop. I’m sure someone would love to help me get some worries off my chest. They’re very good listeners over there.”

For some reason, shifters were incredibly efficient gossips.

It was probably why we had so many different types in town. They all had a lot in common with people like my mother.

Elizabeth sucked in a breath like she was horribly offended. “Oh, Stone. You wouldn’t do that to me. My business is my life.”

Bullshit.

Her real estate empire was her financial windfall but she usually took that more seriously than she currently was.

“Then let’s figure out where things went wrong and how you’re going to get that house safe before it’s rented out. At this point, it’s not even safe to house the undead with how easily electrical fires can start. Can you imagine if another human was killed?”

This town really needed to start treating death a bit more permanently.