Page 10 of The Handyman and The Drama Queen (Myths, Legends, and Southern Charm #1)

Ezra

What kind of couples were weirder than dating a dead guy?

No.

I had to stay focused.

“What if it takes years for me to be able to touch you?” It wasn’t a pleasant thought but it was a reasonable one.

“Then we’ll spend a lot of time chatting and jerking off, and I’ll get really good at dirty talk.” Stone shrugged, genuinely not seeming stressed by the prospect. “I don’t think it will take that long for us to get to the physical contact part. You already touched the buttons and you poked me.”

I had.

Yeah, I had.

“I forgot that part.” Facts just escaped when I started worrying. “Yes. Pokes are touches.”

Stone’s eyes sparkled. “And we’ll work on going from pokes to strokes.”

He was such a dork.

“Practice makes perfect, I guess.” My teasing comeback got a laugh from him and made it harder to remember why I’d started worrying to begin with. “I’m feeling better, but at what point can I drag my worries back out and air them again?”

“They’ll get stale if you don’t use them?” Stone’s smart-ass question came with a cocked head. “That’s not how they work.”

Yes, it was.

“This is just round one. Round two will be once we really see a future together and then I’m going to ask more practical questions.” Nonsexual ones. “I’m cutting them off for now because we haven’t known each other that long.”

He scoffed. “In this area time is relative.”

That was probably more real than I wanted to know, so I decided not to ask if they had time portals or loops or anything else ridiculous going on. I had enough to deal with without worrying that we’d end up in a Groundhog Day type situation.

“We’re going to pretend it’s not.” That was the only way my brain would stay in working order. “So how long?”

“How long before you can ask me about practical questions…I’m assuming that means things about living together and chores and have you met my family type stuff?” As he ate the last bite of his sandwich, I nodded and marveled at how easily that’d come to him.

He wasn’t like any other guy I’d ever dated.

“Yes.” Ha. I could sound normal too.

We were just two normal guys talking about dating. One just happened to be dead and the other was…wait. “Um, at that point I’m going to also ask if you’re human or not.”

It seemed like a good idea to give a warning about that even though I’d never had to before. But then again, I was doing a lot of things with Stone I’d never done before.

Stone’s eyes sparkled as his lips turned up in a smirk. “Not going to ask now?”

“No.” I had enough on my plate and I was smart enough to know that. “I think my big concerns are him being sexually attracted to men, a job so my date or boyfriend isn’t here all the time to drive me insane, and being able to go out in society and look human.”

“Not going to date Bigfoot if we break up?” Stone was barely holding back laughter but that didn’t necessarily mean he was fucking with me.

Would I date Bigfoot?

I was dead…could I really judge?

“Um, maybe if there was a large enough community for him to bring friends back once in a while? I’m not sure how practical that is, though.” The more I thought about it, the less reasonable it sounded. “But I don’t think that would work. I think I’d need someone who can be the face of our relationship to the public if it’s going to work long term.”

Finally chuckling, Stone nodded. “I think those are reasonable basic needs for a relationship. I also meet all your entry-level criteria, so I’m going to take that as us being good to go?”

Was it a healthy idea?

Probably not.

Was I going to do it anyway?

“Yes. Good to go.” He was an adult and if he wanted to make questionable decisions, then that was his prerogative. “But you have to tell me when I can ask those other questions.”

In a regular relationship, I wouldn’t have needed a guideline for it, but nothing that had happened recently was normal, and he’d already admitted the strange dating timelines they had in the area.

“One month.” He winked when I sucked in a breath. “If we’re going to be married in six, we can’t dawdle too much.”

“I don’t think I can get married.” Not until I could sign the marriage document at the very least. Right? “I can’t sign anything or talk to most people. The judge probably couldn’t see me anyway.”

That’d been incredibly frustrating and not something I wanted to deal with again.

“I’ll figure out what’s up with that.” Stone frowned, leaning back in his chair. “I can’t imagine that they all couldn’t see you.”

Maybe because they’d all been human?

Nope…wasn’t gonna even point that out. I had a month to get ready for that conversation and I was going to spend the entire time being grateful he wasn’t Bigfoot and counting my blessings.

For being dead, my life had shifted into an upswing I was going to try to stop questioning. It was a tall order but I was going to do my best.

“I don’t even know where to start with that, so I’m going to leave it up to you?” Oh. “Um, you have to tell me when we start getting to the point of you handling things is annoying. I’ve watched those mental load videos that were everywhere the last time I could play on the internet, so I’m not trying to be useless.”

Stone looked like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to smile or reach over to hug me. “Control freak and Dom here. They don’t always go together, but in this case, they do. So I do not have any problem with handling all that mental load stuff that relates to the physical world.”

I hoped he was being honest about that because it’d suck if he got pissed after a few months of having to be the person to talk to everyone who was alive.

“Besides.” He shrugged, taking a bite of his apple and making me be patient. “Once you can touch things without it being too frustrating, we’ll get you a new online persona that looks alive and you can handle a ton of things that way.”

He said the weirdest things so easily.

Yep…still wasn’t going to ask what he was.

“So you’re telling me that you know someone who can give a ghost a new identity that looks like I’m alive?” I just sighed when he nodded and grinned.

“Yep. It’s a growing business. I replaced all of the doors in his house after an incident with a…well…that doesn’t matter. But he’ll come out, check to make sure you’re dead, and then he’ll fix us right up.” Looking thoughtful, Stone gestured toward me. “So start thinking of what you want your online name to be. Everyone around here will still call you Ezra unless you really want to switch, though.”

So weird…but he sounded so normal.

“I can’t imagine answering to something else, but I guess I’ll think about it?” He made me think about the strangest things too. “I’ll just use it for doing stuff with the normal world? Like…I don’t know but stuff that doesn’t involve locals?”

I could have a job again?

Nodding as he finished another bite, Stone didn’t see how odd it was because his version of normal was really interesting. Too interesting for a human, but again, I wasn’t going to ask. “Yeah, so you can have a job or sign up for newsletters or anything like that. But if you email someone local or call the general store, you’ll just tell them you’re Ezra and they’ll know.”

“Because the gossip works fast in this area.” I wasn’t sure if I was joking or not, but he chuckled.

“Yep.” Stone shrugged as he started cleaning up his trash. “It’s helpful if you use it right. Like one or two more calls and we’ll get you some visitors who want to come introduce themselves.”

Visitors?

“No one visited when I bought the place.” Wasn’t that when I should’ve gotten to know the neighbors?

“Well, you were just a human moving into the area then.” Stone seemed to think that was reasonable. “Now you fit right in and they’ll want to make sure you know all about the ghostly online groups and things like that. Zoom and those kinds of apps and sites that make it easier for people who can’t leave the house.”

“I’m not agoraphobic. I’m dead.”

He seemed to forget that part a lot.

Stone shrugged. “The logic is the same. The big difference is that therapy won’t help your situation, so I’m not going to lecture you about that.”

“Thanks.” I wasn’t worried about rolling my eyes since he couldn’t try to punish me yet. “If someone brings me a pie, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to be polite.”

Stone shrugged. “Then you’ll just be considered highly entertaining. But oh, you have to be nice if Scottie actually brings you a pie. He bakes. He’s sweet. But he bakes.”

Sweet could’ve meant a variety of things, so I nodded without question. “Deal.”

It seemed like everyone else was fair game, so I was willing to compromise, and I didn’t actually want to be a dick to anyone who didn’t deserve it.

“There’s a pretty good chance one of the local ladies’ groups will do something like that just to fuck with you and see how you respond.” Looking thoughtful, Stone shrugged. “I’m not going to tell you how to respond, though. Just follow your instincts with them.”

Great. Just great.

“I’m going to need you to show me a picture of anyone you think I should be polite to.” There had to be at least a few of those kinds of people. “You know, someone I might want to work for or who’ll make my life difficult if I’m rude.”

Oh.

“Or make your life difficult.” If we were dating and everyone local knew we were together, I’d probably affect his standing if I pissed too many people off. “I’m not trying to fuck up your life.”

Wait.

Did I have a life any longer?

Was there a better word for that?

The library ghost certainly seemed to have a lot going on in his world, dead or alive, so he clearly had something like a life.

“I can’t think of anything you could do that would cause problems for me.” Stone took the issue seriously, which I appreciated. “If someone is an asshole or just a dick for bringing something like a pie, they deserve it. I think you’ll know who to be nice to because they need it and I can’t see you being a dick in general.”

I wasn’t so sure about that.

“Do I need to remind you about our first meeting?” He seemed to have forgotten that already.

Nope.

He grinned and it was so wicked it sent a shiver through me.

“Sexy as fuck, baby. But you were also angry and scared, which I don’t think you’re taking into consideration.” Stone’s expression slid into something more serious and sweeter. “There is nothing wrong with having a snarky and slightly prickly personality and I’m not trying to change you.”

He’d be the first guy who wouldn’t have attempted that…so I didn’t feel bad about being a little bit skeptical. It was obvious that Stone had good intentions, but I frustrated everyone around me on a regular basis, which was how I’d ended up living in the middle of nowhere to begin with.

And being dead with no one to worry about in the living world.

“But you’ll tell me if I’m becoming a problem?” I really needed to hear that from him. “Not because you’re the only one I know I can talk to but because I’m…I’m really hoping this works out.”

Even though I had no idea how that’d be possible.

“I like you. So you need to promise to tell me if I start making your work or just life in general difficult.” He was still looking a little too understanding and he was back to giving me his you need a hug expression. “Please?”

Nodding slowly, Stone thought for a moment before he put the words out between us. “Yes. I promise to let you know if your behavior with others becomes a problem. If you’re too snarky with me, we’ll work on a system of rewards and punishments, but those will be different than our conversations about visitors and locals.”

Relief flashed through me until I really thought about what he’d said.

“Punishments?” How snarky was he imagining? “I don’t…”

I didn’t know what to say, obviously, because the words just trailed off. Instead of worrying about that, though, Stone started grinning again. “Yes, punishments might be necessary eventually, but we’ll see what happens.”

He hadn’t gotten frustrated enough with me to list off a punishment already…so that had to be a good thing, right?

“I bet your mind is going in a thousand different directions right now.” Stone’s smirk made me hard and made me want to say something snarky.

I really was going to get myself in trouble at some point.

“How do you know?” Was I really that obvious?

“You look almost alive.” His eyes twinkled with mischief as he gestured toward me. “Should I bet if you’re hard?”

Damn it.