Page 24 of The Handyman and The Drama Queen (Myths, Legends, and Southern Charm #1)

Ezra

“Sandwiches?” Stone’s mother had been calm when I’d finally met her and had even been politely relaxed. She hadn’t been too nosy or worked up about anything. It’d been fake as hell but I’d appreciated the effort. But his dinner options were going to give her a stroke based on how her left eye kept twitching. “Sandwiches?”

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but Stone’s expression said he did.

He looked constipated but also like the toilet was going to explode because he actually inched back from her. Even Stephanie was reacting, but she was just trying not to laugh and doing a terrible job of keeping a straight face.

Luckily, shock had set in for their mother, so Stephanie could get away with it for the moment.

“Elizabeth never got the wiring fixed and the kitchen isn’t safe.” Stone was downplaying it but I didn’t think there was any need to explain that he’d shocked himself and killed the power to half the house when we’d finally worked up the nerve to test out the microwave.

When Lillian, his mother, just stood there looking like a volcano right before it blew its top, Stone kept going. “I can’t explain it, but I’m pretty sure they made the house more dangerous than it was to begin with.”

Which neither of us had appreciated, especially when he’d explained how hard it was for spirits to interact with everyone else once their physical property was destroyed.

Ignoring that conversation was for the best, but it looked like Lillian knew that information too because her eye twitched again.

We had to fix that before she ended up haunting the house with me and I had to live with my dead mother-in-law…well, future something.

“I’m going through it piece by piece around my other jobs, though, so we’ll get it figured out.” What Stone was trying to downplay was that he was in limbo because he shouldn’t be fixing up a house when he didn’t know who owned it.

Legally, my giving him permission helped somewhat, but the fact that Elizabeth had committed so much fraud after my death complicated things.

“Sandwiches?” When she just kept standing there, Stone seemed to realize he needed to shake things up or we’d never move on from the sandwich apocalypse.

“How about I show you the backyard? I wanted your opinion on some fruit trees if we’re able to plant anything.” Stone pointed toward the back door and shook his head. “You don’t want to know how damaged that door was.”

He’d been shocked by how many ways someone had fucked it up, so I wasn’t surprised when he led her over and started listing off all the problems. I’d heard the story several times and had lived through the shock and random idiotic fuckers that he’d liberally sprinkled in, so I hung back without feeling too guilty.

Especially when Stephanie stayed too because that meant I could question her without feeling guilty

“Okay, you’ve only got a minute or two before she’s going to come in here talking about sandwiches again. Please explain.” Her giggling made me feel better about not knowing what it was about but not by much.

“Food is…it’s a big part of our culture down here.” She gestured toward the backyard. “Stone is already an oddity because he’d rather eat pizza than anything good and he’s still pouting over the loss of the taco truck.”

Okay, she might’ve had a point.

“My mother loves to cook and loves food in general.” Shrugging, Stephanie leaned back against the counter. “So hearing that he’s been living off sandwiches for the past couple of weeks is rough.”

Understatement of the year right there.

Would sandwiches rate higher or lower than canned pasta?

“It’s not safe to even reheat things.” We’d tried and I’d put my foot down that we weren’t doing it again. “Once things get ironed out and we know who the house belongs to, then we’re going to work on getting the electrical fixed.”

Limbo was a difficult place to live…even for a ghost.

“Fair warning.” Stephanie turned sideways to look out the window. “She was good with being patient about you guys formalizing things because you were human in life and she was doing her best not to pester you.”

Glancing back at me, she raised one eyebrow. “You noticed, right? Stone threatened to tell everyone in town that she’s thinking about moving if she didn’t behave, and she’s going to ask me what you said. I need to be able to give her good feedback as well as something gossipy to pass along.”

Okay.

Um.

“Yes. She has been wonderful and very warm.” What else would a mother want to hear? “She’s clearly a great mother to you guys and she’s made me feel very welcome.”

I must’ve looked as confused as I felt but Stephanie grinned and flashed me a thumbs-up. “Perfect. Now gossip, please?”

They were so weird.

“The meatballs might’ve been magic and in no way traditionally bought meat. A little birdie told Stone that was the reason the truck didn’t stay long.” What else? Lillian might’ve already heard the meatball gossip. “Oh, and you didn’t hear it from me, but he was over at Widow Harlan’s place the other day. Someone might want to drive by her house first thing in the morning. I’m just saying…if they were curious.”

Because her neighbor was spending a lot of time over there, and when Stone had shown up a bit too early, the gentleman in question had ended up climbing out a window.

Stephanie managed not to laugh but did a little happy dance. “I think I need to take a new route to work tomorrow.”

I wasn’t going to look at my morals too closely, but at least I fit in?

Thankfully, I didn’t have to feel too guilty about it because I’d made her happy and it would in turn make Lillian happy. So I’d done my good deed for the day and could be the nosy one. I’d expected Stone to be quick, but I could barely hear their voices coming from the backyard and they didn’t seem to be getting any closer.

“What are they doing? They can’t actually be talking about trees.” Walking up beside Stephanie, I was careful not to get too close to her or to go through the lower cabinets. I was slightly solid but not enough to take any chances. “She really gets animated when she’s worked up.”

She was still talking about sandwiches.

I knew that because she threw her arms up every time she said it and her volume increased significantly too. “Maybe you should buy Stone a new thermos? He lost his old one.”

I wasn’t sure how an alligator could eat one, but he’d been very convincing when he tried explaining how he’d lost it.

“He would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.” Stephanie sighed and shrugged. “I don’t think that’s going to make her happy because I’m pretty sure he just told her something about the taco truck.”

“He’s thinking about putting a petition together to get it back. He’s really upset about the lobster truck they got this week.” And neither of us was sure what fresh lobsters were supposed to look like, but the one he’d brought home was questionable looking.

Like…Chernobyl level of questionable.

Stephanie went still. “They said it was lobster?”

Well, fuck it all.

“He didn’t eat it but that was his breaking point.” I wasn’t sure what the damned thing had been before they’d magically zapped it, but I’d put my foot down about him actually eating it. “Even the alligator at the back of the property wouldn’t touch it.”

Stone was convinced his new friend was a female and had named it Buttercup.

I had questions, but he’d gotten offended when I’d asked if it was some kind of Princess Bride reference, so I’d dropped the subject and we now had a too-friendly alligator in the backyard. I was really lucky I was already dead and he was lucky he wasn’t human.

“Alligators eat everything.” Cocking her head, she looked out at the yard again. “Like…anything.”

Except whatever Stone was…so what was the lobster made of?

“The lobster gossip is good…you’re going to be Mom’s best friend with that.” Stephanie grinned when I went still that time. “Yep, that’s as dangerous as it sounds.”

Great.

Just great.

At least she liked me?

****

“This isn’t what I expected when Stephanie said it would be a small get-together. She was over yesterday. Did I tell you that?” Looking out the living room window, I couldn’t remember what I’d told him.

Shock was making it hard to think, but I was trying not to let that show.

“Everyone looks nice, though.” That sounded better and I thought it made me seem fairly relaxed, but Stone came back from the kitchen and frowned at me. “What? It’s going to be fine.”

“That.” He waved his hand, gesturing vaguely at me. “You haven’t said anything snarky or rude all day. It’s unnerving.”

It was official…he was the one who was losing his mind.

“You realize you just told me that me being nice was unnerving?” The stress was obviously getting to both of us. “It’s going to be fine. I can be polite to everyone.”

I could play nice to all the strangers that were invading my home.

Well, kind of my home.

There was currently some debate about who actually owned the damned thing because of all the forgery my fucking realtor had done. But the upside was that it couldn’t be rented out until the ownership was all figured out. That was the only part the full assembly could agree on.

“You aren’t polite. That’s part of your charm.” Stone’s ridiculous statement was a strange mix of insult and compliment, and I had no idea what a logical response to it would look like.

“I’m practicing.” God. How hard was that to figure out? “You’re making it difficult. Stop calling out how weird I am or you’re going to do it in front of the renters. Whenever I get them.”

I wasn’t sure how long that would take but I needed to start practicing.

That had Stone relaxing and he sighed as he frowned. “I still can’t get anyone to give me a straight answer. I even cornered a group of assembly members at the coffee shop last week and they just looked at me like I was an idiot.”

He’d tried to track down so many of them it was now a game to hide from him. He’d also been banned from half the local shops because he was just going in there to search for anyone who had gossip to share.

And evidently he wasn’t subtle enough about it?

I wasn’t sure how that worked because none of them were subtle about anything as far as I could tell. Part of me was glad about that, though, but a bigger part was worried when the interesting bits of our personal life would start making the rounds.

But I had a feeling my eventual renters would help spread that gossip for us.

Yay.

I wasn’t looking forward to explaining our dynamic or how often my boyfriend was sleeping over to the strangers I ended up living with, so I wasn’t going to complain about the local politics we’d gotten stuck in.

No matter how little sense it made.

Somehow Elizabeth kept saying it was my fault for dying without more relatives and at least a few members of the assembly wanted to agree with her idiotic defense.

We both thought that was part of the reason no one was giving out any information but it might’ve been my pessimism inching into Stone.

He did not do well with evasion.

Shocker.

Stone kept saying we had to be missing something, but they said he was too close to the situation to sit in on the proceedings and I was landlocked to my property. So aside from some official mail that had been hand delivered to the front porch by a very nervous and slightly confused deliveryman, we were in the dark.

It almost felt like a live action game of telephone that was very broken.

“You’re not an idiot and they know it.” They were just asshole politicians. “We’ll figure it out.”

Ugh.

I was still going to have to be nice.

“Lots of people have shown up for the meet the new ghost event and we’ll use it to our advantage.” There had to be some upside to the fact that someone had pulled up to my house with the biggest barbecue thing I’d ever seen on the back. “Um, quick sidetrack. If anyone starts encouraging me to head over to the grill or smoker or whatever that is, you need to distract them so I don’t look stupid.”

I had no idea what to do with any of it…whatever it was.

Well, as far as distractions went it was a good one.

“What?” Stone looked confused and walked over to look out the front window. “Oh, the taco truck is back.”

Aww.

“Just for you.” Since I couldn’t eat the dammed things, there was no way it was for me. “They’re making up for the meatball and lobster nonsense.”

Thank God those were gone.

“Is now the time to ask how many people your mother invited to this party?” I knew I should’ve asked more questions when Stone winced.

For fuck’s sake.

“Tell me you asked questions at the very least?” When Stone had said his mother thought a casual get-together would be an easier way for me to start being more social, I’d thought she’d meant small. “What did you talk to her about?”

Making a mental note to ask more questions next time, I tried to look calm and relaxed but Stone just kept looking more and more guilty.

“Stone?” My Dom looked like a naughty puppy who should be hiding under the kitchen table.

“Okay, well, we had a conversation. She talked about doing a barbecue because of the electrical situation and I thought that was a great idea.” He seemed to lose his train of thought as his eyes got wider but I refused to look out the window again. “The good news is that no one is parking on the front lawn.”

God.

“And the bad news?” What was that fucking noise? “Did she bring a train?”

He winced.

“No. But she seems to have rented a couple of buses?” Stone’s head cocked as he started mouthing numbers. “I…I’m really glad she knew everyone couldn’t drive themselves.”

For fuck’s sake.

All the fucks.

“Who is everyone?” The voices sounded like geese had taken over my yard. “How many everyones?”

“I can’t count fast enough but quick rounding says about half the town?” Stone’s too-even tone had me sighing and turning around again.

Wow.

“She ordered porta-potties?”

His family needed more supervision…I was going to remember that for next time.