Page 47 of The Christmas Express

Ember

The train judders. A screech sounds somewhere underneath me. For a moment I’m disoriented by the fact I’m lying down flat.

Ah, yes. I’m in Cali’s compartment. And ah, yes, I drank a lot last night.

I stand up on shaking legs and open the curtain a crack, scrunching up my face against the blinding white of the snow, the sun risen and beaming, the sky blue, and the trees moving.

Oh my God, we’re moving! We’re moving forward again!

‘Cali,’ I say, not expecting the rasping wheeze of a voice to come out of my mouth. Ugh, I haven’t felt this bad since the morning after my birthday party at the beach. I try again. ‘Cali, the train’s moving.’ I pat her bunk, but it’s flat, and that’s when I look over.

There’s not even a hint of warmth on those sheets. I smile. That naughty girl crept next door after all. Well, good for her.

Damn, that makes me remember what might have been with Alex.

Which makes me remember that I’m supposed to be reuniting with Bryn today.

Bryn doesn’t deserve to be an afterthought. She deserves to be happy. I know what I need to do.

Not long after the tracks are cleared and the train has resumed its journey, Cali comes thumping back into her room. Her hair is a mess and her cheeks are pink and her sweatshirt is on backwards.

‘Good morning, sunshine,’ I say.

‘Why did we drink vodka? We were on our way to bed.’

‘And did you sleep well?’

She closes the door behind her and sits down on the bottom bunk, holding her forehead with one hand and picking at a spot on her chin with the other. ‘I don’t know if I did something really stupid last night.’

‘I wouldn’t call Luke really stupid,’ I quip, which makes her laugh and then wince, rubbing her forehead.

‘I don’t know if it was a good idea. I mean it was definitely good .

But what if I should have just left it as friendship this time?

What if I’ve messed it up again? What if everyone’s mad at me, and then Bryn accuses me of sabotaging her wedding, and then they call the whole thing off?

I mean, sorry, I know that wouldn’t be the worst thing for you. ’

‘Actually...’ I gesture to my bag, which I’ve just finished packing.

Cali looks at it. ‘You can hang out in here today. I don’t think we’ll get to Vancouver until tonight.’

‘I’ve decided not to go to Vancouver.’

She drops both her hands to her lap and looks at me, wide-eyed. ‘You have?’

‘I have. I’m going to get off when the train reaches Whistler.’

‘Is there an airport there?’

‘No, I’m going to catch another train, back to Jasper, spend a little time in the National Park before I head home.’

‘Won’t you be lonely?’

‘No, I think I’m going to be just fine.’

Cali is quiet for a minute, nodding. ‘Okay, so when do we get to Whistler?’

I look at my phone. ‘In about fifteen minutes.’

‘Fifteen minutes!’ Cali cries. ‘Have you told the others? I need to get dressed. Am I going to be sick...? No, I’m fine. What do you want me to tell Bryn?’

I sit beside her and put my arm around her shoulders.

‘I don’t need you to tell Bryn anything, but if you want to, or feel you should, just go ahead, it’s fine.

You don’t need to get dressed. You need to take a lovely shower, stop picking at that spot, drink some tea, and then spend the day looking at this amazing scenery happening right outside our window.

’ I gesture to where the Rocky Mountains, shining in the morning sun, are silently drifting by beyond the frost-speckled glass.

‘And I’m not going to tell the others, I’m just going to slip away. ’

‘You don’t want to say goodbye?’

I shake my head. ‘Not this time. I feel like we’ve made our peace, now it’s time for me to step away, go back to my real life, which is actually pretty wonderful.’

‘It is? You’re okay without Bryn? Your beach friends treat you well?’

‘I’m more than okay. I’ve moved on, and now the best thing for me, I think, is to let the past go.

’ Her face crumples back to worry and I laugh, in a way I hope is gentle both to her soul and her poor head.

‘But that’s what’s right for me. My version of moving forward has to be to forget.

I think you can only move forward if you forgive, and get your friends back. ’

‘What if they don’t want me back?’

‘They want you back. You just have hangxiety.’

‘Oh.’

I stand up and pick up my bag, then hold my arms out, inviting her for a hug, if she wants one.

‘Will you stay in touch?’ Cali asks, standing, delicately.

‘I’d like that,’ I say, and she totters into my arms. ‘If you don’t throw up on me...’

When we pull away, I move towards the door.

Cali stops me. ‘You’ll tell Alex you’re getting off the train though, won’t you?’

I check the time again. I have ten minutes before we arrive at Whistler station. ‘If I find her.’

Ten minutes is about enough time to walk the length of the train looking for Alex, but I think I know where she’s likely to be.

I ascend the stairs to the celestial carriage. It’s Boxing Day today, and the scenery is stunning, the snow having cleared itself in the breeze from the domed glass. Most seats are full of other passengers, gazing, photographing, relaxing under the filtered sunshine.

Alex’s dark hair is loose, shiny but tousled, and she leans her head against the window. She doesn’t spot me, lost in the view, or in thought, or in both, until I’m standing beside her seat.

‘Oh hi, is that Bryn’s sister-in-law?’ I say. I don’t know why I’m making a joke of it, but I give her a small smile to let her know it’s just that.

Alex whips her head around, pushing her hair back, looking up at me with big eyes that have sleepy bags under them, which she still manages to pull off. She scrambles upright, scooting over, and I slide into the seat next to her.

‘Ember, I can’t even begin, I’m so sorry, please know that I wish I could go back to the start and tell you who I was, who I am, and it wouldn’t change anything because I really have liked getting to know you and hanging out with you.’

I nod, and swallow down any words that might muddle this. ‘I’m getting off the train when we get to Whistler.’

‘What?’ she says. ‘But that’s in a few minutes!’

‘I wanted to say goodbye.’

Alex drops her eyes. ‘You must hate me.’

‘I don’t hate you one bit. And this is a good thing, for your sister’s wedding, and for me.’ I mean it. I don’t want to hold any resentment in me any longer. I just want to remember the good times, and drift back to the life I love.

I stand up, and she stands with me. ‘Can I give you a hug?’ she asks.

‘Yes please.’

When Alex put her arms around me, a part of me vows to keep the memory of her safe in my heart. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says again, but I shake my head.

‘No more sorrys. I’m not sorry.’

‘No?’

‘No.’ An announcement comes over the speaker; we’re pulling into Whistler, and I give her one last embrace. As I pull back, our lips hesitate near each other, breathing each other in for the final time, willing things to be just a little different.

But they aren’t. ‘Goodbye, Alex,’ I say, and I slide out from her arms, pick up my bag, and step off the train.

I’ve wandered out of the station while I wait for the train that’ll take me back to Jasper. I don’t want to see any of my old friends again if they get onto the platform to stretch their legs during the short rest stop.

I’m just studying the opening hours on the small café, when footsteps running catch my attention. The sun is low and bright, and I have to squint into it to see her dark hair billowing out behind her.

‘Wait, Ember, wait,’ says Alex. She’s carrying a bag.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m getting off, I’m staying with you. I’ll miss the wedding.’

‘No, you won’t.’

‘Yes, I will, I need you to know this wasn’t all a lie, I wasn’t just trying to make you forget about Bryn.’

‘I don’t think that. Alex, get back on the train. If this one leaves without you, I think you’ll get there too late.’

‘It doesn’t matter. I really like you.’

‘Of course it does. I really like you, too. But... but it couldn’t work between us.’

She hesitates, like she knows I’m right, but she takes my hands, running her fingers down my arms, and steps in close. ‘Why not?’ she asks with a sigh.

‘Well, you live in Canada. And I don’t. And your sister is marrying my ex.’

‘That is a little awkward, I guess.’ A hint of her honey smile returns.

‘One day we’ll find it funny. And just because it can’t be forever doesn’t mean I didn’t have the best time, and it doesn’t mean I won’t hold onto it as one of my favourite memories.’

‘I will to,’ Alex says, meeting my eyes, then glancing down at my lips.

‘So, you’re going to get back on the train?’

‘You don’t want to be a plus one or anything?’

I laugh at that. ‘You know that awkward thing we were just talking about... ?’

‘Oh yeah, that.’ She chuckles.

This is hard to let her go; we never even really got started. But though my heart aches, it’s nice to feel it again. ‘Good memories,’ I state, my voice firm.

‘Good memories.’ She holds my gaze.

On the platform, the train whistles. She has to go. She drops her hands, steps back and turns towards the station.

‘Wait,’ she says. ‘One more good memory.’

Alex reaches for my hand and pulls me back towards her, and her lips kiss mine like sweet honey. Everything about her is warm, and she kisses me for as long as she can until the second whistle goes.

We break apart, but in the best possible way.

One hour later, the café has opened, and as I wait in line, I snap a photo on my phone of the sign. ‘Open for Business’ it says.

Shortly after, coffee in hand, I board the train, ready for a long journey back to Jasper. In my seat, I take a sip of my warm coffee, topped with cream as white as the snow, and tip my head back to lean it against the rest.

Last night, after Alex confessed, I thought I’d made the worst decision of my life by coming to Canada. I was wrong.

And not just because of that amazing kiss which I’ll never forget.

I pick up my phone and navigate to the photos, pulling up the one of the ‘Open for Business’ sign. Then I do something cheesy, mushy, and a little bit old Hollywood romance, and I text it to Alex along with the message, My heart, thanks to you .