Page 15 of The Christmas Express

Cali

‘Good morning,’ I say to a little black squirrel who scampers past me, eyeing my Tim Hortons donut, as I take a moment outside Toronto’s Union Station early the next day.

I wiggle my legs, cold despite the tights under my leggings, and step sideways to catch a little of the dawn sunshine as it slides around a tall building.

The looming CN Tower is visible to my left.

I would have liked to have gone up to the observation level if I’d had more time here. I bet the view is mesmerising.

I’ll go into the station in a moment, just a few more minutes of soaking up this lovely new city first. I smile into the cold air, my feet crunching on hardened snow on the pavement as I shuffle.

Last night, when I got back, I sat up in my hotel bed until jet lag got the better of me, reading everything there was to know about the cross-Canada train we’d be boarding today.

The nervous flutters shimmy into my chest when I think of being stuck with the others, nonstop, for four days, but I exhale through pursed lips, creating fog, breathing out the negativity.

If it wasn’t for Bryn’s sneaky plan, I might never have this experience.

I wouldn’t have got to spend the evening exploring beautiful Toronto.

I chomp the last of my donut with closed eyes and low winter sun bathing my face. Alright, it’s time.

Through the doors, the station opens into a vast concourse, lit naturally from the sunlight soaking through the immense arched windows at either end.

The station is buzzing with commuters and tourists, but I spot the clock we all agreed to meet under and wheel my case towards it, immediately catching sight of Joe and Joss bickering, with one of their cases lying on the floor, open, and Joss trying to stuff as many things as possible into her backpack.

‘Hi, guys.’ My voice comes out timid, forced. I don’t know these people any more; how do I talk to them?

Joss, in way of reply, says, ‘Guess what? We have to check our luggage for the whole journey. Thanks for mentioning that, Bryn.’

‘Just carry-ons allowed with us in our cabins,’ explains Joe.

I nod. ‘Oh, yeah, I think I saw something about that on the website.’ I mean, I know I did because I got up at sunrise and repacked my whole bag, prioritising thermal undies, PJs, toiletries and my Kindle. Yes, and that fuzzy sweater I’ve had for years that I remember Luke liked, okay .

Joe and Joss glance at each other, silence filling the space between the three of us as she goes back to rearranging her belongings.

‘So... how did you both sleep?’ I croak out because I can’t bear it any longer. But before either of the siblings’ report on their overnight slumbers, the urge to turn and look behind me sweeps over, and I do so, connecting eyes with Luke.

He walks towards us, his gait slow, like he’s moving through honey and he’s not sure if it would be easier to just... not. He has bed head, small bags under his eyes, a knitted sweater the colour of red wine and a bulky grey jacket under his arm. I can’t look away.

Luke holds my gaze as he gets closer. We’re probably both just too sleepy to look away, but as he reaches me, he keeps going, his body stepping in close to me, into my personal space, and my breath catches.

But then his gaze drags away and he’s holding out something for Joe – a phone charger, with a travel adapter dangling from it. ‘Thanks, man,’ Joe says, and Luke steps back, distance restoring between us. Jesus .

Sara is the last to arrive, moments after Luke. She greets the group with a nod. She has her signature sunglasses on her head, a coffee in gloved hands, and appears to have already checked her suitcase. Her eyes sweep our cases. ‘I guess we have a train to catch.’

The five of us cart our bags over to the baggage desk, an uncomfortable silence stretching between us as long as one of the platforms, leaving Sara to drink her coffee. When we return, lighter, but still with precisely zero conversational skills between us, I scrunch my eyebrows. ‘No Ember yet?’

‘She’s meeting us before the train?’ Sara asks over her coffee cup.

‘Yeah, I sent her a message. It says she read it.’

‘But she didn’t answer?’ Joss sighs.

‘No, but... let’s give her a couple of minutes.’

Two excruciating minutes later, and the rest of them are beginning to move towards the platform. I follow, mumbling to Joe, ‘You don’t think she would have bailed on us and got a flight, do you?’

Joe shrugs. ‘Maybe she went home.’

Where are you, Ember? I stop to scour the crowd, looking for that light-blonde hair. What colour coat was she wearing yesterday?

‘Come on,’ Joss barks.

She’ll be here, she promised, she’s just running a little late. I stop. ‘I’m going to wait.’

‘Cali,’ Luke says, my name in his low voice a highlight and a heartbreak all in one. ‘We can’t miss the train.’

‘We won’t, I won’t miss it, I just don’t want her to be on her own.’

He hesitates, like he’s going to wait with me, like a hundred memories are rushing through his thoughts, but clearly the bad ones win him over, because he nods and turns away towards the direction of our platform.

I watch him go. One of the things I always loved about him – even when we were ‘just friends’ – was that I always felt like I had someone.

The two of us were always there if the other needed someone to wait with them, or to listen to a venting session.

He’d always help me if I needed an extra pair of hands, I’d always come and watch reality competition shows with him so he’d have someone to discuss them with.

And yes, sometimes I didn’t really need his help, not strictly, and he didn’t really need to curl his already-warm body under a blanket with me on his sofa, but the flirtations were all part of our closeness.

I miss the closeness, so much.

But this is probably for the best. We don’t need to spend four days making love–hate eyes at each other across an aisle.

I dawdle for a few minutes, standing on tiptoes, checking my phone, and I’m about to give up when, thank God, there she is.

Ember strides with confidence that’s betrayed by her face as she darts her gaze around the various electronic boards, trying to figure out where to go. I call her name and wave, and after a couple of attempts, she spots me, relief softening her features, and she comes my way.

She looks really well, you know. More rested than I do. And more herself, somehow, than when I knew her back in the day.

As she draws near, I say, ‘You need to check your— Oh. You don’t have a big suitcase?’

Ember shakes her head. ‘No. I travelled light.’

‘You came.’ I couldn’t help it, that just slipped out of my mouth. I didn’t mean to sound so relieved.

‘I said I would,’ she replies, a flatness to her voice.

Why is she acting so mad at me? Because I stopped her getting on the plane?

Is she wishing she was in Vancouver already, imagining that she’d be waking up beside a freshly single Bryn, ready to celebrate Christmas as a reunited couple?

Maybe. But I think it’s more likely that if she’d gone to Vancouver, she might have been faced with a pretty irate bride-to-be ex-girlfriend.

There’s no time to imagine every potential scenario string right now, because we have to get to our train. ‘This way,’ I say, and she falls into step beside me as we dodge the crowds and follow the signs to our platform.

Showing our tickets, we make our way to where the rest of our group of misfits are hanging about beside one of the rows of gleaming red and gold carriages that make up our cross-Canada train. Nobody is talking to each other.

‘Right, we’re all here,’ I declare, because sometimes stating the obvious is as good a filler as anything, when nobody else seems to want to chime in. ‘Shall we say goodbye to Toronto and jump on board?’

Without a word, Joss heads up the steps and in through one of the train carriage doors before you could even say all aboard .

‘Where’s your cabin, Ember?’ asks Luke.

She studies her ticket and the numbers on the carriages for a moment. ‘I’m down that way.’

It’ll be fine that we aren’t together, won’t it? I don’t need to keep her under lock and key. I mean, it’s not like she can jump off the train halfway and catch a flight. Well, I suppose she could. ‘Shall we say we’ll see you—’

‘I’m sure I’ll see you on board.’ With a sigh, Ember turns and walks off further down the platform. I watch her for a moment, then Joe passes my vision, climbing into the train. Sara follows, and Luke steps to the side, gesturing for me to go ahead of him.

I hope he isn’t looking at my bum as I climb up ahead of him.

But secretly I hope he is.

Shuffling into the carriage, I feel like I’ve stepped back in time. I’m now a passenger in an Agatha Christie novel (hopefully with a little less murdering. You never know though, hahahaha, oh God). I’m faced with neat, soft seats on either side of me, then a series of small enclosed sections.

‘What’s happening?’ I ask the stand-off that’s occurring in the middle of the carriage corridor.

‘She only booked us three cabins.’ Joss’s nostrils are flaring like a bull. ‘Between five of us.’

‘Some of us are sharing?’ Luke asks from behind me. His breath tickles the hair on the back of my head, and a heat rises in me.

‘I can’t believe this,’ Sara mutters.

‘Oh my God...’ In my head that sounded a lot more convincing, but actually I already knew this was going to be the case.

Bryn did say it in her message. And I did spend half the night wondering if Luke and I would end up together.

Even so, nobody likes a know-it-all. ‘I never even clocked we were going to have to do that,’ I add. Just for good measure.

Luke leans around me to peer into one of the cabins, a light chuckle only I can hear escaping his lips. He catches me looking at them, and I turn away quickly.

Each cabin is meant for two people to share, containing two seats, a little storage unit and a fold-away loo. I look around, but can’t quite figure out how it... works. On the website I saw pictures of snuggly little bunk beds stacked on top of each other.

‘So the seats fold back?’ I ask.

‘I think they convert to two berths – a bunk on top of another bunk,’ says Sara.

Ah. ‘Clever. Who wants to share?’ Don’t look at Luke. Do not look at Luke.

‘I’ll take the cabin on my own,’ Joe offers with a shrug that suggests he just wants some peace and quiet from his sister already.

No such luck. ‘Don’t be so bloody selfish,’ hisses Joss. ‘Why should you get the solo room? Not that I’m sleeping in there on my own; what if I fall over the toilet in the night and crack my head open?’

‘I would want to see that,’ mutters Joe with a smirk, and Joss sends daggers at him via her eyeballs.

‘Maybe you two should share. You are brother and sister,’ I offer.

I’m so curious about them. They always used to bicker, but were so close.

They lived together for those years at the townhouse, after all.

They started a business together. And I know it all went south, but surely, they’ve – of any of us – made up since then?

So why the simmering rage between the two of them?

‘Do we want to keep the whole train awake listening to them fight?’ Luke says this to me, a hint of a smile on his lips, which I mirror.

‘Well, I am more than happy to not share with any of you, and be on my own. Same old, huh?’ Sara flicks her hair back, her lips pursed, and edges towards the furthest away carriage. ‘Joss and Joe, and Luke and Cali.’

‘Whooooa,’ Luke and I say at the same time.

Sara looks at us, like, what’s the problem with sharing a room with a one-time romantic partner who you’re still obsessed with ? ‘Well, you have already seen each other naked.’

I splutter and stutter for a few beats. ‘I’ve seen you naked, too. I’ve seen all of you naked, even Joe thanks to that night he got drunk and thought the hose behind the house was the shower.’

Joe chuckles behind me, the first genuine laugh I’ve heard this trip. Phew. Maybe we aren’t doomed to come out of this worse than we went in? Maybe?

‘Yeah, I don’t know... I don’t think that’s a good idea.

’ Luke could not look more uncomfortable right now.

Gone is the hint of a smile. And perhaps that tells me everything I need to know about where he stands.

So, I am not about to try and convince him to sleep with me.

I mean on top of me. I mean in a cabin with me .

‘You and I could share?’ I suggest to Sara.

‘Wow. None of you want to share with me.’ It’s more of a statement than a question from Joss at this point, and we all make eerrrrrm noises until Joe steps up.

‘Bunk in with me then, sis. It’ll be like old times. I’ll make sure you don’t die in the middle of the night.’

‘Thank you,’ she says, sarcasm venoming her voice. The two of them lob their things into the first cabin.

‘So, me and you,’ Sara says. Her voice isn’t cold, as such. It’s not angry, like Joss, or indifferent, like Joe. Not hesitant, like Luke. Just brisk, like the air outside on the platform. Flat. Detached. ‘Then Luke on his own.’

‘Unless we see if Ember wants the extra bed?’ I suggest.

‘She has her own bed,’ Joss calls out from where she’s already in her cabin, facing the window, putting her headphones on. ‘No.’

‘Yeah, no.’ Sara shakes her head, and goes into the second cabin, leaving Luke and I in the corridor just as the train lets out a long, adventurous toot, and the engine starts with a rumble under our feet.

‘Let’s have lunch together? As a group?’ I suggest before any doors are closed.

There are grumbles of agreement, and Luke hesitates by his door, like he wants to say something to me. Then steps inside, where I hear him blow out a large exhale of air as he closes his door.

I follow Sara into our cabin, and take a seat to watch the suburbs of Toronto begin to glide past the window.

This is going to be okay, right? Surely we’ll come away from this at least a little closer? Or will the vastness of Canada make us feel more alone than ever?

On our way , I text Bryn. I never removed her from my phone, so all our old texts are stored above this one, full of happy news and in-jokes and silly memes.

Ember must be lonely. The others won’t be happy, but I’m inviting her to lunch.