Page 35 of The Christmas Express

I’m stung, but I paste on a smile which I know doesn’t hit my eyes and try and reel everyone back in, taking a large glug of the ice wine and following Sara’s lead by holding out my glass for more.

My heart is thudding, and behind my facade I feel myself shrinking, fading. We were having such a nice time...

‘What do we think of the ice wine?’ Logan asks. ‘Any smells hitting you? Any flavours you’d like to share with the group?’

‘Sweet, isn’t it?’ says Luke, taking the reins on the conversation while Sara makes a mild attempt at mediation and Ember and Alex make flirty little eyes at each other over the tops of their glasses.

Right, let’s get back in the game. I’m not going to let those two rain all over my snowy Christmas Day.

Using the hairband on my wrist I pull my curls back and secure them in a messy bun at the nape of my neck, shaking free a couple of tendrils, especially on the left-hand side to hide my big, picked chin spot, thank you.

I look up and Luke is watching me. ‘What?’ I ask.

‘What?’ He blinks, blushes, and looks away.

Oh my God, he was staring at me. I hope in a good way. Am I buzzed from the wine or are we science nerds because I’m feeling some chemistry?

Yeah, I might be a little buzzed from the wine. That ice wine though, mmm. Logan and Ned are facing away trying to uncork a stuck cork from a bottle of white without us noticing, so I reach over and sneak myself some more. I raise my brows at Luke and he nods, so I slosh some in his glass too.

Giving up on the white, and the group, Logan suggests they simply leave us with the remainder of the bottles and their copies of the tasting notes, and says we can come and find them in the bar car later if we have any questions.

The other passengers who’d attended have filtered off, perhaps to get some lunch, or just to get away from us.

Joss and Joe have shut up, finally, but there’s a tension in the air, like we’ve taken a step backwards again.

I swirl my latest glass of wine, watching those drippy legs and trying to remember what I once heard they indicated.

Was it that the wine was good quality if it had lots of legs?

Or high alcohol? Or that the glass is real crystal?

‘Cali, did you speak to Luke today?’ Joss asks me.

It’s a pleasant enough question, but coming from her, I still can’t tell.

There’s something about her tone, the way her smile doesn’t meet her eyes.

I guess maybe we’re still swimming in the mild confrontational part of the afternoon after all.

‘Your boyfriend, I mean,’ she clarifies.

Fake Luke! I nearly forgot about that guy. ‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘He’s, well, we’re having a rocky patch, actually. And here I am in the Rocky Mountains, hahaha!’

Ember and Alex are kind enough to pretend to laugh, at least.

‘Well, just be careful. You don’t want this Luke to start thinking you’re single again.’

‘Doesn’t she?’ Sara raises an eyebrow.

Hmm, this sounds light-hearted, but I’m quite good at reading people, I think, and suddenly the red wine feels like it’s dehydrated my mouth.

I’m stupid for thinking everything could be magically fixed, just like that.

Outside the train it’s started to snow, fat, heavy flakes that make the mountains look like phantoms. We fall into a hushed lull, watching the snow falling, faint Christmas music in the background, the train endlessly ploughing forward.

The wine is polished off. Luke and Joe go and get some more.

Then a little later, I go and get another couple of bottles, and a little later again, so does Joss, and the whole time the snow doesn’t let up.

Then it begins to pile on the window frames.

‘We should be getting into Whistler in a couple of hours,’ Alex says, checking the time on her phone.

‘I might call that it for this afternoon’s drinking, otherwise I’ll be falling asleep early.

And I don’t want to miss out on any of the last night fun.

’ She looks at Ember, who rolls her eyes, laughing.

Joe stands up and stretches. ‘You’re right. I might take a nap—’

I don’t want it to end like this, everything was going so well, we were getting somewhere, we were getting along. ‘Wait, don’t go. Let’s have another drink. Let’s talk.’

Joss moans. ‘Cali... don’t be...’ She trails off.

There’s silence in the group for a moment.

‘Don’t be what?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Don’t be what?’ I demand, hopefully sounding more confident than I feel. And why should I have to worry about feeling confident anyway? This was my friend, once. Is that really impossible to get back?

Joss looks to the others. ‘I’m just saying, let whatever happens happen. I know what you’re trying to do, but you need to grow up and stop being so... clingy.’

I sit back, woozy in the head, and my finger runs over and over the blistered skin of my spot. ‘I’m not clingy,’ I say. I’m not needy, I’m not pathetic just because I need – want – my friends around. This is exactly what they said to me back in Spain. I want them to stop saying that.

‘Joss,’ Luke says, his tone warning, his arm coming around the back of me. ‘Don’t be an arsehole.’

Shaking her head, Joss sighs, breaking away her gaze. ‘I don’t want to get into all this again. I didn’t mean to say anything.’

‘But you did. You always “just have to say something”.’

‘Believe me, I don’t .’

I see Alex meet Ember’s eye, who shrugs.

‘You do, actually,’ says Sara. ‘I don’t think anyone needed the last word more than you on that holiday, Joss.’

‘Do we have to talk about Spain again?’ Joe sighs.

‘But we don’t talk about it,’ Luke adds, speaking up, his voice cutting through the group. ‘We didn’t talk about it then, and we haven’t talked about it now, and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s why none of us can move forward.’

The table erupts into an argument all at once, drowning out the Christmas music.

‘I have moved forward – I am just fine without you all,’ stamps Joss, causing a wine glass to topple and the stem to break off.

‘Don’t speak for me, you all made it perfectly clear I’m not part of this gang,’ says Sara, getting up to leave.

Joe groans. ‘Sara, you’re such a broken record.’

She turns back. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, did someone say something or was it just Joss’s shadow?’

I can’t bear it, and I’m just plucking enough rage from deep within me, when—

Screeeeeeeeeeeech.

Like a long, slow, painful death, the train comes to a complete halt, we all still, and shut the hell up, and silence fills the carriage.

I look up, and Luke follows my gaze. The snow is quick to settle on the roof of the celestial carriage where before the airstream of the train would blow it off.

This isn’t the first time the train has needed to stop in between stations on this journey.

It happens. But maybe it’s the new gloom caused by the snow piling overhead, the fact the sun was on its way to dipping behind the mountains already, or the way Alex, who knows everything there is to know about this route, mumbles the words, ‘Oh no,’ that makes this latest development cause my heart to thud.