Page 46 of The Christmas Express

Cali

It’s been a long day, and it’s not late but I think I’m ready to put Christmas Day to bed. I think. Or am I?

I leave the party and the music and the lights behind me and descend the stairs, taking it slow, dawdling, straightening things in the bar area, wasting time while I decide if I’m going to my compartment, or his.

Like a mini, blonde tornado, Ember storms into the bar car and, before she even sees me, grabs a bottle from behind the counter and takes a swig.

‘Hello,’ I say. ‘You okay?’

She turns and focuses on me, seeing me suddenly. ‘Did you know?’

‘Did I know what?’ Shit, what have I done? Does she mean did I know about Joss liking Luke? ‘No, I swear I didn’t know she liked him. But she can’t hold this against me forever, right, nobody can stake a claim over another person.’

Ember shakes her head, and shakes the bottle towards me. ‘I don’t know what – this – is about but sounds like you might be in need of this.’

‘Actually, I was just going to... no, fuck it, give it to me.’ I take a big gulp before realising its neat vodka. I splutter. Mmm, quite nice though. ‘So, what are you talking about?’

‘Did you know that Alex is about to be Bryn’s sister-in-law?’

I blink at Ember. ‘Why?’

‘Because Ruby, Bryn’s fiancée, is Alex’s sister.’

‘Alex’s SISTER?’ I boom. ‘Whoa. No, I didn’t know. Why didn’t she tell us?’

Ember takes another vodka gulp. ‘Oh she did, just now, right before we were about to kiss.’

‘Oh my God, you guys nearly kissed?’ I squeak. ‘Sorry, not important right now.’

‘I’m so tired,’ Ember says, flopping onto one of the seats and rubbing her forehead with her free hand, the vodka bottle dangling perilously from the other. ‘And confused.’

‘Me too,’ I agree, and then get an idea. ‘Hey, do you want to sleep in a proper bed tonight? You can bunk in with me; I’m in a cabin on my own. I would have asked you sooner but kept missing the opportunity.’

‘And I’m “The Enemy”.’

‘You were never the enemy, Ember, never.’ I sit beside her and extract the bottle from her fingers, taking a sip before setting it down on the floor.

Ember looks so sad right now, so alone. She sits in silence for a while, but her lips keep opening like she’s forming some string of words to let out into the world.

Eventually, they’re released. ‘You were my friends, too,’ she says, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

‘I know you knew Bryn first, but when she and I split up I lost all of you. I didn’t have any other friends in the city, nobody to talk to.

And it was a sucky break-up that wasn’t because of cheating or hating, it was just about wanting different things.

I didn’t do anything to make you all drop me like that. ’

I stare at Ember. What do I say? Oh my God, she’s right.

‘We hung out every day for, like, a year. And then nothing,’ she continues.

My palms sweat and pulse along with the beat of my heart. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘You don’t need to apologise, it was a long time ago, I don’t even know why I’m bringing it up again now.’

‘I think I do need to apologise. I want to. And I want to explain. Bryn was broken after the two of you split. I know it was mutual, I know you wanted different things, but she thought the two of you were going to be forever.’

‘We both did.’

‘I know.’ I nod. ‘I guess we stepped back from you as a way to protect her, and just didn’t think. And we knew you were planning to start a new life by the beach. And then just as Bryn was beginning to heal, everything went to shit, and within a fortnight we’d all stopped contact with each other.’

Ember doesn’t say anything, just stares down at the ground, but I watch her eyelashes twitch as she thinks over what I’ve said.

‘I’m not trying to make excuses,’ I add. ‘We shouldn’t have deserted you.’

‘No, I get it,’ Ember interjects. ‘But I have to ask one thing – did you know I lost my parents, both of them, a couple of months after the break-up?’

My hand jumps to my heart. ‘You lost your parents? Ember... I can’t, I wish, I’m so sorry.’

To my surprise, she looks up at me with a mist of a smile on her mouth. ‘Thank you. That actually makes me feel an iota better, if you can believe it.’

‘In what way?’

‘After it happened, I contacted Bryn to let her know. The six of you shared everything with each other, so the fact that she was the only one to check in on me afterwards hurt. I knew we all weren’t friends any more, but I thought we were still something to each other.

Now I know it was after she’d moved away, after you’d all stopped talking. ’

‘I wish she’d told me though,’ I murmur.

‘But you never knew my parents. It probably didn’t cross her mind to tell you all my business at that point. I don’t think she did anything wrong.’

We drop to silence, heavy shoulders, aching brains, and after a while I ask, ‘Want a sleepover at mine, then, friend? Or should I say frenemy? Just kidding. Too soon?’

Twenty minutes later, Ember’s lying in the bottom bunk, me in the top bunk, and we’re chatting quietly.

‘How are you feeling about tomorrow?’ I ask her.

‘I feel... like I’m going to have a headache in the morning. And like it’s going to be really humiliating if I show up to see Bryn and Alex is already there with her sister.’

I make an agreeable noise and stare up at the ceiling. ‘Wouldn’t it be totally weird if you and Alex got married and her sister was married to your ex? Would that make you... sister wives?’

‘No.’ Ember laughs. ‘It would make us exes-in-law, I think?’

‘Oh. I’d watch that TV show. If you promised to bring the drama.’

She yawns. ‘I don’t think I have enough drama in me.’

Hmm. ‘I wonder if the train will start moving again during the night.’ I lean over the bunk. ‘Look, maybe we won’t even make it to Vancouver for this stupid wedding anyway. Then in a way, problem solved. Do you think Bryn would delay the wedding if we don’t make it?’

Ember chuckles, swiftly followed by a groan. ‘I don’t know what to do any more.’

‘Well, do you still want to see Bryn or not?’

‘I don’t know. I think so. But maybe that’s not enough, now.’

‘How will you feel if you don’t see her? Will you regret it?’

She opens her eyes and looks up at me. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be talking me out of it?’

Resting my chin on the bed, I gaze down at the floor. ‘You know how sometimes doing nothing can make you feel lethargic? I think I’m just shattered, and am just all for moving forward, somehow, whatever that looks like. I also think I’ll have a hangover in the morning.’

‘You’re not going to puke on me, are you?’

‘I don’t think so. I’ll let you know if that changes.’

She’s quiet for a time and then moans, ‘I feel used.’

‘You think Alex used you?’

‘I think she might have done. She says she didn’t, that she truly liked me and just felt she couldn’t tell me, but I still feel like a prize knob.’

‘Well... that is the best type of knob to be.’ I pad down the bunk steps to retrieve my water bottle, pull a sweatshirt over my PJs, and sit on the edge of her bed while I sip. ‘So, you don’t believe what Alex said, about liking you?’

‘I mean, I think I believe her.’

‘Did you go into this thinking it would be more than a holiday romance?’

‘I didn’t go into it thinking anything, really. I was talking to her about Bryn. But she’s cute and we had chemistry and... it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that. It was nice, even if it wasn’t serious.’

‘That’s a lot of past tense,’ I comment. ‘Considering you got something positive from it.’

‘Positive? I’m more confused than ever. And what about you?’ Ember asks. ‘Why are you sitting in here with me when behind that wall is the guy everybody knows you’re meant to be with. You know, apart from your boyfriend.’ She smirks at me.

‘So... there is no “Boyfriend Luke”. I made him up.’

‘Shocker.’

I laugh, and take another gulp of water before offering the bottle to her. ‘I am too afraid of rocking the boat. Or the train. And I mean that metaphorically, not like, if it’s rocking, don’t come knocking .’

‘Is that why you stayed in London, even after all the others left?’

‘Partly. I know it, like a comfort blanket. But I love the city like you’ve always loved the countryside and the coast.’

‘What do you love about it?’

What don’t I love about it? ‘You can be exactly who you want to be. There’re always possibilities and opportunities and people to meet and things to go and see. In a big city I feel like I could make anything happen.’

‘Do you? Make things happen? Explore lots of new opportunities?’

‘No...’

‘You don’t want to see what happens?’

Hmm. ‘I do want to see what happens, but I’m afraid.’

‘That doesn’t sound like someone with Big City Energy to me. If I can offer you some advice, I think you should take more risks, starting with getting yourself next door.’

‘This is completely the opposite advice I’m trying to make you take.’

‘Well, we are completely different people.’

Ember yawns again then, and flutters her eyes closed. ‘I have to go to sleep, man, I can’t think any more with this vodka-head.’

‘Alright, night night,’ I say, but she’s already zonked, and so I tiptoe out through the door to go and fill my water from the tap beside the shared bathroom.

The carriage is quiet but not silent, what with it being Christmas Day still, and not particularly late. I pause outside Sara and Joss’s room, and don’t hear anything.

I stop outside Luke and Joe’s room... nothing. I wonder if Joe is still up at the party?

Not that it matters, I’m not going to do anything tonight. I need a clear head. We need to talk properly, without the influence of mood lighting and music.

I pad back and forth along the corridor a couple more times. It’ll probably help with the hangover tomorrow if I get a little exercise now.

Just going to top my water bottle up a little more, then I’ll go back to my compartment, get a good night’s sleep.

I’ll sleep better if I stretch my legs out a bit more first. Ten laps of the carriage should do it.

The ball is in my court with Luke, that’s what he said.

‘Luke?’ I whisper, so quietly that even I don’t hear myself.

I listen at the door, but it’s still silent. Phew, he didn’t hear me either, that’s that then, off I go to sleep. ‘Luke?’ I say louder, tingling with excited defiance at myself.

The sound of a footstep on the floor comes from behind the door, and my heart and nerves skitter. I take two steps towards my door, as if I might have time to get back in before he comes out, then stop myself.

I should not go into his compartment. But I’m going to!

‘Hey,’ Luke says, opening the door. He’s in boxers and no T-shirt, the sly dog, and I try my hardest to look him dead in the eyes, and the eyes alone. ‘You came.’

A million thoughts twirl about, so fast I can’t keep up, but one important one pops out. ‘I wish you’d said hi, that day, in London.’

Luke exhales. ‘So do I,’ he breathes the words out and I fall into him, my hands cupping his neck, trailing on his skin, my arms around his neck, resting on his shoulders.

We pause for second, just a second, with our lips close to each other, and when he smiles, I’m reminded of the best part of kissing him, and I’m not scared any more.

I kiss him, and it’s just how I remembered it, but it also feels new and real, because we came back to each other. I murmur his name and he chuckles, saying mine back to me, printing it onto my lips with his own,

Luke pulls me into him, and into his room.