Page 23 of The Christmas Express

Ember

I’m back in my seat, warming my hands up, a smile forcing itself onto my lips despite my best efforts. Never a dull moment with this group. There was always some kind of drama, though I don’t remember it ever being vicious, but that was the classic Joss that I remembered.

Also, a small part of me respected that she was about to go off on her own into the Ontario countryside. I was almost a little envious.

I can’t stop thinking about what Alex said, about getting off the train at Winnipeg and travelling north to Churchill to see the polar bears. Instead of going to Bryn.

The thought of it causes a stirring, a glimmer, deep in my soul. The wilderness is calling to me, the animals, the big sky and vast forests. More so than the city of Vancouver.

My parents saw polar bears once. They took a holiday to Greenland and said it was the most magical experience.

They had matching bright white Arctic coats that they’d bought specially, and I still have one of their photos framed on my wall, because they looked like a couple of polar bears wearing them in the snow. I smile, just thinking about it.

Is this my gut telling me it’s the right thing to do?

But, I can’t. Not now. I have important things to do.

Speaking of... I get my phone out of my pocket and tap on it with icy fingers, bringing up Bryn’s social pages. She’s posting daily, nuggets of her life, excited-sounding snippets of her upcoming nuptials. I see you, Bryn.

‘Hi,’ a caramel, Canadian voice says beside me.

‘Alex!’ A smile spreads across my face, and I go to put my phone away.

Then I stop. ‘Look, what I was talking about last night, about my ex who’s getting married.

I don’t want you to think I’m imagining this, and look at what she just posted.

’ I show her a photo of a pine cone centrepiece. She knows I love pine cones.

‘Okay,’ Alex says in reply, taking my phone from me for a closer look, her fingers grazing mine. She studies the photo for a moment and then hands it back, a thoughtful look on her features, then changes the subject. ‘I heard your friend – sorry, non-friend – tried to escape.’

I laugh, and Alex takes an empty seat across from me. I lean forward, and she does the same. ‘That’s pretty typical of her, Joss, she’s kind of dramatic. From what I remember.’

‘Why?’

‘Why’s she dramatic? I don’t know, that’s just her, I guess. She got back on board just in time though.’

‘That’s good.’ Alex nods, and holds my gaze.

I clear my throat. ‘You’re probably sick of hearing all about me and these people I’ve found myself travelling with. Tell me about you. What are you heading to Vancouver for?’

Alex sits back in her seat. I mirror her again. Then notice I’m doing it so move to a cross-legged position instead, tucking my thick-socked feet up under me.

After a pause, where Alex stares out of the window at the trees passing, she says, ‘I’m going to see family.’

‘For the holidays?’ I ask.

‘Yeah.’

‘Where do they live?’

‘Just outside Vancouver, in the countryside. I love it out there.’

‘Do you normally live in Toronto?’

‘Kind of,’ she says. ‘I rent an apartment there, sorry, a flat ,’ she teases, switching to a British accent, which makes me laugh and lean in towards her again. ‘But I do love travelling, camping, heading out to the mountains when I can. But I need to have a base in the city for work.’

‘Do you always work on this route?’

‘Not always, but often.’

‘Do you like it?’

‘I do,’ she answers, her smile wide and inviting, and I find myself watching her lips as she talks. Alex stands up. ‘Did you think about Winnipeg?’

‘About leaving the train? Yes.’

‘Do you think you will? Seems like it could be perfect for you.’

‘I don’t know...’ How does she know what’s perfect for me? I don’t even know what’s perfect for me. That’s the whole point of this trip, isn’t it? I can’t abandon it now.

‘Alright, I’ve gotta go, but I’ll catch you later, right?’ Alex places her hand on my shoulder as she passes, and I reach my own up to pat it before she goes. Mine is cold as snow, hers is warm as sunshine.

I haven’t seen Bryn’s friends all day. Not since the commotion this morning. Instead, I’ve been moving between my seat and the celestial carriage, watching old movies on my phone, and combing through all the information I can find about switching to the other train.

I don’t know what to do. You know who would know? Bryn. But I can’t really ask her, can I?

Alex is nice to talk to. Her life here in Canada, travelling the country for work, is interesting. I’m interested. In knowing more about her, I mean.

The train will be arriving in Winnipeg soon, and is scheduled to be our longest stop yet. Man, am I looking forward to properly stretching my legs. We’ll be there for around three hours, and, whatever happens, I intend to spend as much time as possible feeling the fresh, cold air on my face.

I lean out of my seat to look up and down the aisle for Alex’s tall frame. Just in case she’d like a walk around Winnipeg too. I don’t know where she’s bunking down at the moment, but I’m guessing, being staff, she has access to a compartment somewhere. But instead of Alex, Luke is heading my way.

When I was with Bryn, I remember her pre-warning me about Luke before I came to the townhouse for the first time.

(The way she spoke about them all as if I was bound to meet them the second I walked through the door, I’d assumed they were all flatmates rather than neighbours.) She’d told me he was aloof.

Hard to get to know. Kept to himself. I didn’t find him to be like that at all.

I found him to be... like me. He was kind of quiet, but friendly.

Got lost in his imagination. He wasn’t one for outbursts or gossip, but he was unfailingly warm to the people he clearly loved.

Especially one person, who would make him glow from the inside out when they were in the same room.

Any idiot could see that he and Cali would be like magnets drawn together, always ending up sitting beside each other on the sofa, leaning in while the other was talking, looking to catch each other’s eye when one of them made a joke. It was cute. I wonder what happened?

‘Hello,’ he says, stopping by my seat.

I tilt my head to the side at this unexpected visit. ‘Hello.’

‘Just wondered if you wanted to come and explore Winnipeg with me this evening?’

I glance at my bag by my feet, which is all packed. Just in case. I don’t tell him what I’m thinking of doing.

Luke continues. ‘If it makes any difference, I was going to ask Joss too.’ I think I curled my lip, because amusement flickers on his face from his mouth to his eyes.

‘Are the others not getting off the train?’

‘I expect they are, but when Joss and Joe are like this it’s just better to keep them separated for twenty-four hours until they simmer down. And she’s a bit of a flight risk. See you on the platform in a bit?’

I nod. The train to Churchill doesn’t leave until the morning anyway. ‘Okay. Thanks. Wrap up warm.’

‘You too.’

Twenty minutes later I’m not just wrapped up warm, but wrapped up in almost everything I brought with me to Canada. Having left Ontario earlier that day, we’re now in the providence of Manitoba, in the centre of Canada. I’m a long way from home. I’m a long way from Bryn.

It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, and the city of Winnipeg feels ready.

Vast, fairy light-bedazzled decorations welcomed us to the city as the train trundled to a stop in the station.

The sky is pitch-black, but the air smells of spruce trees and spices.

The snow on the ground is thicker, and while I wait for Luke and Joss, people wearing bulky snow boots and long-eared hats carry shopping bags through the station, their smiles wide, a little Christmas spirit in their demeanours.

Further down the platform Cali exits the train, alone. I wait for Luke and Joss, and while doing so, I see Sara and Joe, separately, also exit the train and head away from the station. What the hell happened to this friendship group?

I shift my bag on my back, heavy with all my belongings. Where’s Alex? Is she getting off the train? I would have liked to have said goodbye, just in case I don’t come back aboard, but she’s nowhere to be seen.

Joss appears at my side, hands in pockets, and stands like an ice sculpture, refusing to look at me. Luke, thankfully, is right behind her, zipping up his jacket.

The three of us start walking to the station exit, and I do a final glance around for Alex but can’t see her anywhere.

‘So I was thinking,’ starts Luke. ‘There’s this thing called the Arctic Glacier Winter Park. It has trails that you can take, either walking or you can rent ice skates, and there are Christmas lights and... stuff. Shall we check it out?’

‘Okay,’ says Joss, instantly. Little Miss Lack of Enthusiasm agreed to that pretty quickly. Maybe she’s an avid ice skater these days.

We walk in silence for a bit, following the way most people are going, which makes me think we’re heading to quite the place to be.

Joss seems distracted this evening, at least from her annoyance towards me being there, so I dare to ask the two of them, ‘So, when did you guys fall out?’

Luke starts to stutter an answer, but Joss cuts in. ‘A long time ago.’

I give her a minute to elaborate, sneaking peeks at her from the corner of my eye. Okay, I guess she isn’t planning to. ‘Why?’

That’s when I see her glance at Luke, even though he’s staring down at the snow under his feet. ‘A lot of reasons.’

‘You don’t want to talk about it?’

Joss stops and faces me. ‘Nope. Do you want to talk about your plans to ruin our friend’s happy day?’

‘Joss.’ Luke sighs.

‘It’s fine,’ I tell him. ‘I’m not going to ruin her happy day. I’d been planning to get to her nearly a week before her wedding, if you remember.’

‘There aren’t any eligible women wherever you’re living now?’

‘Probably, but I haven’t been looking.’

Joss’s gaze shifts away from me for a moment, looking at some Christmas lights strung through the branches of a row of trees. Her face is illuminated, a shadow in the crease of her brow. ‘Have you still had feelings for her all this time?’

‘No,’ I answer, as honestly as I can. ‘Not consciously. I’ve been doing well on my own, and I think I made the right decision to move away, but, I’m sure you know that sometimes there’s no controlling your own heart. And right now’ – I tap my chest – ‘this is what she wants.’

Joss blinks at me, her eyes scanning my face, her own guarded, but with a hint of understanding. Without another word, she starts walking again, and Luke and I fall into stride beside her.

Five minutes later, as we enter the park, Joss wipes the snot dribbling from her nose due to the cold and asks, ‘Are we skating?’

I’m having a nice time. Turns out, skating is something I’m not half bad at, and gently following trails through snow-covered trees, past pretty, festive illuminations, isn’t the worst way to spend an evening. Even with Luke and Joss for company.

The two of them haven’t been very chatty, but I’m like the go-between, the peacemaker. Or maybe there’s something about me being here that’s comforting to them, because I’m not part of their gang any more.

I glide around a curved path, cold air kissing my cheeks.

If this thing with Bryn is real, if I’m not imagining the signs, and if she still has feelings for me and we give things another go, would I move to Canada? Would she move back to the UK? And if she did, would she still want to live in a city or could she come to love coastal life?

I like Canada. And I loved Bryn. So maybe I would consider coming out here. Leaving my beach house, leaving my friends.

My bag weighs on my back, pulling me towards forgetting this whole thing. I don’t have to get back on the train. Bryn never needs to know I was out here. I could just take this solo expedition and return home, and continue with life. I like my life.

Ooof. I skate over a bump on the verge, tripping and slipping forwards, earning a face full of snow.