Page 29 of The Christmas Express

Ember

I spent the whole afternoon listening to Christmas music, to the point where I was genuinely sad to say farewell to Gwen and her ukulele when we reached Edmonton.

But the music has soaked into my soul, and I’m drawn to the celestial carriage this Christmas Eve night.

I can tell myself it’s because I’m not sleepy.

Because I want to be under the stars. That I need some quiet time to think about what I’ll say to Bryn.

But the quickening of my heart is proof to my head that it’s because I’m hoping she’ll be there.

I ascend the stairs, listening for a certain voice among the hum of gentle chatter I can hear. When I reach the top, I see that three seats are taken, under the canopy of stars which gives the illusion of being in a planetarium, the way we move forward underneath them.

In one seat is a couple, sitting close, whispering in the darkness. In another is a man on his own, an SLR camera angled to the heavens, resting against the glass while he’s mesmerised by the view. And in the other seat, turning to see me just as I see her, again, is Alex.

She smiles, a light in the dark, and doesn’t say a word until I make my way over to her, at which point she slides along the seat, making room for me. I sit, our arms lightly pressed together, and smile back at her.

‘I was hoping you’d come up,’ she says.

‘I was hoping you’d be up here,’ I reply, and the two of us chuckle. ‘How was your day?’

‘It was good,’ Alex replies, sinking into the seat and resting her head against the backrest, just like she did that first night.

I do the same, my arm sliding down against hers as I go.

‘I had a little admin I needed to get out of the way before the year ends, and I didn’t want to do it on Christmas Day, or once I’m with my family in Vancouver. ’

‘Do you and your family have big plans while you’re there?’

‘Yeah. It’s always busy when we all get together.’

‘All?’

‘I have a sister, and my aunt and uncle and ten billion cousins will all be there. And three dogs and a cat. It’ll be chaos, but in a good way.’

I lean in, studying her as she talks about her family, feeling the warmth in her voice radiate into the carriage.

I want to hear everything about them, it’s like my heart aches to be enveloped in that world, to hear tales of her mum making her a hot chocolate, her dad chopping firewood, her cousins bickering and her sister stealing her lipstick.

I realise this is a strangely stereotypical family I’ve created in my mind for her, but before I get to find out the real story, she asks me, ‘How about you? I know your parents passed, so tell me what your chosen family is like?’

I look back up at the stars (maybe at my parents?) and think of how to put this. ‘Well, I’m lucky to have some really close friends. They’ve helped me through a lot, and it feels real. If that makes sense?’

In the darkness, Alex nods. ‘Of course it does.’

‘But yet, here I am, at Christmastime, away in some fantasy land,’ I muse, a wry smile on my lips. ‘Do you think I’m making a huge mistake?’

Alex looks down, her hair falling from behind her ear, adding a dark streak across her face.

‘You can tell me,’ I press.

‘I think only you can answer that,’ she says after a while. ‘I think you should do what feels... real... to use your word.’

I hope she’s not feeling bad about talking about her parents. I give her a small nudge, leaving my shoulder that little bit closer to her. ‘I like hearing about your family, honestly, it’s nice.’

She tucks her hair back behind her ear, and speaks softly, that little scratch in her voice still audible. ‘I’m glad you have a great group of friends. I bet your folks would have been pleased about that too.’

My hand, the one furthest from her, moves to my chest, keeping her warm words close to my heart. I nod. ‘They’re much better than this bunch of miserable twats,’ I joke, and the sight of Alex’s honey smile reigniting on her face causes mine to do the same.

‘What is with them?’ she asks.

‘Some kind of falling out, I don’t have all the details yet. I haven’t seen them since their friend and I split.’

‘Bryn.’

‘Bryn,’ I confirm.

We both lapse into quiet for a moment, and then, and maybe I’m imagining this, it’s like neither of us want to discuss Bryn again right now, because she backtracks on the conversation and says, ‘That brother and sister are a piece of work.’

‘Joss and Joe.’ I laugh. ‘She certainly is. It’s interesting though, to me she seems mad at everyone, but I swear she keeps evil-eyeing Cali in particular.’

‘You think? But she seems like the nicest.’

I shrug.

Alex leans in a centimetre closer. ‘You have to find out and report back to me, okay? Promise.’

‘I promise.’ We settle back again, the silence between us comfortable, cosy. After a while, I murmur out loud, ‘These stars...’

‘I know.’

‘You’re probably used to seeing this all over Canada?’

‘It doesn’t get old, though. You must get skies like this over the beach?’

‘I do,’ I agree. ‘It’s one of the things I love the most about living away from a city.’

‘Me too,’ Alex says. ‘And it’s nice to see them with a new person.’ We lock eyes briefly and chuckle again.

I like this. I feel like we could stay in this moment for hours, and that Christmas Eve night we do, not going our separate ways until soon after midnight.

‘Merry Christmas,’ I whisper to her at the bottom of the stairs, the first signs of the Rocky Mountains silhouetted in the night sky beyond the window.

‘Merry Christmas,’ she replies. There’s a pause, a moment, a lingering where I realise I want to kiss her, and from the way she glances at my lips, I’d guess she’s thinking the same, maybe.

But no, I can’t, I shouldn’t. Let’s remember why I’m here. Instead, I reach for her fingertips and give them a squeeze, before turning away.

It’s been a long time, but having a crush, even this small, little, delusional, can’t go anywhere one, is like deep down, in some dark, hidden part of my heart that’s been asleep, a tiny supernova is forming.