Page 17 of The Christmas Express

Whooooooa! Again? My eyes widen, my lips twitch with a smile that I force away. As Cali and Luke stutter and stumble over their words, Sara snickers and Joe mutters, ‘Bloody hell.’

‘No,’ Cali says, her voice high, and a laugh that sounds like a peacock wail comes out.

‘Absolutely not,’ Luke says, a little too loudly. Alright, mate . Funnily enough, Cali looks like she’s thinking that too, her forced laughter having cut short. ‘That was a long time ago. I’m sure we’ve both moved on.’

He won’t look at Cali now, and his effort not to do so is just as obvious as when he couldn’t stop looking at her. Fascinating.

Beside me, Cali does her super-fast nodding again. ‘Yeah, yes, totally moved on. Very happy.’

‘You seeing someone?’ Sara asks.

Cali picks up her glass of wine and knocks some of it back. ‘Um, yep.’

‘What’s their name?’ I ask.

She blinks at me like she forgot I was here. ‘He’s called Luke.’

‘He’s called Luke ?’ repeats the Luke that’s with us on the train.

‘Yep. He’s not you.’ She does a mini version of the peacock laugh again. ‘He’s not some imaginary boyfriend I’ve named after you or anything. Haha. He’s REAL.’

Oh God, poor thing. I’m sure her Luke is very real but right now Cali looks like she wants to jump out of the window, run up to the front of the train, and then just lie down in front of it.

I hope she doesn’t though because this is the most alive I’ve seen the group since I boarded the flight yesterday morning.

‘How long have you been together?’ this Luke asks.

‘Eight months, I think. Ish.’

Eight months? And they didn’t know about him? I look around at them for signs that at least some of them know this guy of hers. What’s going on?

‘What does he do?’ I ask, when the conversation starts to dry up again.

‘... London.’

‘He does London?’

‘No, sorry.’ Cali shakes her head. ‘I don’t know why I said that. I mean he lives in London. He works in an office.’

‘Doing what?’

‘It’s... a secret.’

‘Like secret government work?’ Joe leans forward.

‘No. I can’t talk about it. Mmm, this salad is delicious.’ She prongs a lettuce leaf. ‘So, what about the rest of you? Anyone seeing anyone at the moment?’

Sara shrugs. ‘No one serious.’

Across the aisle, Joss shakes her head while Joe nods and says, ‘Yep, my girlfriend is...’ I somehow fade him out though as I watch Luke over my glass, who is staring at his plate, fiddling with his cutlery, and eventually nods.

‘Yep,’ he says in a small voice.

Cali chews her lip, like she wants to say something to him.

I’m about to ask him about his new (new?) partner, when something clicks into place for me. ‘Can I take it the famous house-share is no longer? I’ll be honest, this doesn’t feel like a conversation between people who live in each other’s pockets any more.’

Every one of them now looks as uncomfortable as I feel, so that’s something. Drinks are covering lips, eyes are blinking rapidly, seats are creaking as they’re shuffled in, the grate of forks on plates is the only sound over the rail lines.

Okay, I’m clearly on the right path and something’s amiss. I wonder what happened.

Our main course of pasta arrives, which gives us all a reason to not feel weird about not speaking.

Until Cali swallows a massive forkful of linguine and splurts out, ‘What’s your girlfriend’s name?’

We all look at Luke.

‘Barbara,’ he replies, concentrating on his pasta.

‘How long have you two been an item?’

‘A couple of years.’

‘Ember, how’s your seat?’ Joss halts the conversation just as it’s getting juicy by bending around Cali to look at me.

‘It’s fine.’ Why does she suddenly care?

‘Are you going to be alright sleeping there?’ Cali asks, all concerned, and it twists in my tummy a little.

Where was that concern when I suddenly lost all the friends I had?

Where was that concern when my parents passed away only months later?

At least Bryn sent flowers, but Cali and the rest of them just ignored it. ..

I don’t know. Sometimes I can talk myself out of these feelings, tell myself I’m being selfish, entitled, centred on myself, but other times it flares up like a red wine blush.

‘I’ll sleep fine.’ I nod.

Joss pipes up again, her voice both low and just-loud-enough at the same time. ‘Course she will, she can escape into her deluded little Bryn-themed dreamland.’

‘Christ, Joss. When did—’ Cali stops herself, which makes me look at her, and she presses her lips together.

‘When did what?’ Joss snaps.

‘Just... when did you get so mean?’

‘I’m not mean. She’s on her way to ruin our friend’s wedding. And any minute now you’ll no doubt be offering her a bed that Bryn herself paid for. I’m not mean, I’m just loyal. Where’s your loyalty?’

Sara chuckles and mutters, ‘Friend.’ I don’t know why, but she keeps an amused smirk on her face as she slips down her shades and sips on her wine.

‘I am loyal!’ Cali’s voice raises a notch and at the end of the restaurant car I see the server look over.

Joss scoffs and shakes her head.

‘What was that for?’

‘You know.’

‘Oh my God...’

‘Excuse me,’ I cut in, addressing Joss, but also the whole group. ‘I don’t need your loyalty, I don’t need any of you to do anything for me, or to be my friends again. Just do whatever you want to do, and I’ll do me.’

Enough of this bullshit. I stand and edge out past Cali, giving her a small smile as I go. At least she’s being civil.

Out in the aisle I straighten my sweatshirt, my eyes down, and when they lift, there’s somebody blocking my way.

‘Hi,’ the woman says, a smile melting out over her face like pooled honey, revealing neat teeth, dimples, dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.

‘Hi,’ I reply, our eyes meeting for a second. She glances down at the two tables, where the rest of them are seated in that thick, heated stillness that comes after an argument. As her head turns, her ear constellation glitters under the overhead lights like the snow outside the train.

In those seconds, I scan my eyes over her face, before clearing my throat and pointing past her. ‘Excuse me, I’m just...’

She steps aside and I squeeze past, noticing her smell (fresh, like an outdoor shower), the slight height difference (she’s an inch or two taller than I am), and that her honey smile hasn’t budged.

I don’t look back. Sometimes you just have a moment with a hot stranger and then keep travelling in different directions.

It doesn’t stop me from watching her reflection slide away when I reach the glass door dividing the carriages though. Or notice that she’s watching me leave.