Page 20 of The Christmas Express

Ember

My carriage is dark, save for a few, low, overhead lamps illuminating the books on people’s laps. Chatter has died down, and the rhythmic sound of the train gliding along its tracks, in the darkness of the outside world, has become the soundscape in the background. That, and Gwen’s snoring.

I flex my back in my reclined seat, and pull my blanket over me since it keeps sliding off and dusting the floor. Outside, the world is black, and I’m not sure if we’re surrounded by trees, or just a whole lot of nighttime.

Snorrrrt . Gwen wakes herself up and peers at me in the dark.

‘Still awake?’ she asks. ‘Why?’

‘Who can say?’

She’s asleep again before my sarcasm soundwave even hits her.

What am I doing here? In the middle of who-knowswhere in the Canadian wilderness, rushing to my ex-girlfriend who doesn’t even know I’m on my way to her.

I take out my phone and turn the brightness down in the dark, scrolling back to a photo of Bryn and me on the riverbank of the Thames, Tower Bridge lit up behind us in the night sky. I don’t miss city life, but I miss life with her.

I zoom in on her face, a wallowing pulling at my chest. For a while, I really, truly thought she was going to be my person, for our whole lives.

Bryn had this way of making sure nobody ever felt lonely, and that day I left her flat for the last time, it was as if her warmth had been snatched away.

I was cold, and alone. And all because of a little thing called wanting different things out of our lives.

It was a sucky break-up, with a sea full of tears, but at the time it felt like the only way we could both move forward.

Would anyone be able to love me like she did? Will I ever want to give anyone the chance? I sigh and shuffle in my seat again, kicking my legs into the aisle and closing my eyes.

This is why I have to see her. I need to know if she still feels the same. I can’t stop thinking about her walking down an aisle in a wedding dress, and my soul feels heavy at the thought of not being the one there with her.

My eyelids pop open again, much to my own annoyance.

Alright, I’m clearly not going to sleep anytime soon.

I extract my shoulder from under Gwen’s lolling head and step into the aisle, cricking my back.

I grab my blanket, headphones and baseball cap, and make my way past sleeping passengers, avoiding eye contact with the night owls like myself.

At the celestial carriage, up the steps I climb, and before I even reach the top, I look up at a dome of stars overhead. I stop. Right on the stairs. And stare.

It’s like being home again, on the beach, at night. That big wide openness that makes me feel insignificant but alive, all in good ways. I let out a long exhalation, already calmer.

Climbing the last couple of steps, I enter the near-empty viewing car.

My eyebrows raise. I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be up here at this time, but one person is.

I hope it’s not one of Bryn’s friends – the thought of dealing with them right now makes me want to retreat straight back down the stairs again.

Then the person turns, and under the starlight, her eyes meet mine for the second time.

‘Hello again,’ I say. She’s at the front of the carriage, the best seats in the house, and she rests her arm on the seat behind her to look back at me.

‘Hey, you.’

Something about that phrase from her lips sounds intimate, familiar, welcoming. It’s a warmth I haven’t felt since leaving Cornwall, and despite my instinct to keep my distance, to sit on the opposite end of the celestial carriage, I head towards her, taking a seat across the aisle from hers.

‘You couldn’t sleep either?’ I ask her.

‘Actually, this is just my favourite time to come up here.’ Her honey smile is framed by the glass that separates us from the stars. ‘Nobody else around.’

Oh. ‘I’ll leave you to it—’

‘No.’ She laughs, a cute chuckle that sounds like sprinkles of stardust. ‘Present company excluded. I’m Alex.’

‘Hi, Alex. I’m Ember.’

‘Ember...’ She tests my name out in her mouth, like she’s thinking about it for a moment. ‘Nice to meet you.’

Alex’s voice is salted caramel, smooth with a hint of scratch, and her accent gives away that she’s Canadian. ‘You’ve taken this train before?’ I ask her.

‘I actually work on this train, I’m a chief attendant.’

‘Oh, you’re working?’

‘Not right now,’ she says. ‘No, this is a personal trip. How’s your journey going?’

‘Good,’ I say. That’s not a total lie.

I feel her eyes studying me. ‘But you can’t sleep?’

‘It’s not that I’m uncomfortable... I think I just have a lot on my mind. And probably a little jet lagged.’

When I don’t elaborate, she nods and settles back in her seat, sinking down so the back of her head rests against the back and she’s facing up into the night sky. I do the same. Ahhhh. That’s my universe.

‘I’m a good listener, if you want to tell me what’s on your mind. Although I think I can guess it’s something to do with the argument between you and your friends earlier.’

I roll my head to the side and find her watching me. ‘No, it’s not them. They aren’t actually my friends; we aren’t travelling together. They’re just... old acquaintances.’

‘Oh. That’s a coincidence.’

‘Mmm... It’s not so much a coincidence as complicated.’

‘Alright.’

We slip back into silence, which I’d usually feel compelled to fill, but in this low light, under the stars, with the white noise of the train trundling in the darkness, it feels easy to settle into it.

‘So, if you’re not with them, where is it you’re going?’ Alex asks me, after a while.

Where am I going?

‘There’s a wedding,’ I start, glancing over and holding her gaze. Shall I just tell her? It might be nice to get a little unbiased perspective.

‘In Vancouver.’ Alex nods.

‘But I’m not technically invited.’ What is she going to think of me? Maybe it doesn’t matter what she thinks, because she’s a stranger, impartial. She’s listening.

Alex is still watching me, her face lit up by the white glow of the starlight, the tree tops rushing past, dark against the ink of the sky. A small frown is on her brow while she waits for me to say more.

‘Don’t judge me,’ I begin. Always a solid way to begin a story.

Alex’s frown smooths out, a smile whispering onto her face as she turns her body and rests the side of her head on her arm, on the back of her seat. ‘We’ll see.’

‘This wedding, in Vancouver. It’s my ex-girlfriend’s wedding.’

‘Huh.’

‘Yeah. But I feel like... you see, I think Bryn’s been sending me signals.’

‘Signals?’ Alex’s smile is growing bigger by the second.

‘Yes. That she’s still in love with me.’

Alex’s smile drops for a moment and she lifts her head. ‘What signals?’

I start to tell her about all of the things I’ve seen so far on social media. The venue, the menu, the honeymoon destination, the details, the décor.

‘I mean, when I say them out loud, I know how I sound. And I would just like to say that I’m not normally like this.’

A soft chuckle comes out of Alex.

‘I’m glad I’m amusing to you.’ I laugh back.

‘It’s not amusing, it’s just...’

‘A lot?’

‘A lot,’ she agrees.

‘Are you judging me, Alex?’

‘A little.’

I wrap the blanket around myself and look up at the sky. ‘But do you not think that if my ex is getting cold feet, if she still has feelings for me, that’s something we should find out?’

‘Well, do you still have feelings for her?’

‘I...’ I shrug, my shoulders hidden under my blanket. ‘I don’t know. But I can’t get her out of my head.’

In the darkness, Alex shifts in her seat, pulling her sweater sleeves down over her hands. ‘If you’re not normally like this, what are you normally like?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘There must be a version of Ember without Bryn. I want to know what she’s like.’

‘You do?’ I sneak another look at her.

‘Why so surprised?’

‘I just told you I’m travelling across the globe to crash the wedding of my ex-girlfriend. And I’ve found myself on a four-day train with a bunch of people I don’t get on with. That little lot might be the most exciting thing about me, to be honest.’

‘I doubt that,’ she says. ‘I’m not trying to pick you up or anything, I’m just curious about you.’

‘I’m curious about you, too,’ I reply. ‘Spending your days working the railroads must be interesting?’

‘You do meet some wild ones.’ She laughs, and after a second, I think she might be referring to me. ‘We’ll talk about me later. So, you’re from the UK? London?’

I shake my head as I run my fingers through my hair and pull it up into a messy ponytail. ‘I’m not a city girl, to be honest. I live by the beach, in Cornwall.’

‘A country girl.’

‘A coast girl,’ I clarify.

‘What do you like about the beach?’

I like how she pronounces beach, the last two letters sounding like a gentle wave breaking on the shoreline.

‘There’s something about being in nature that feels big and real and amazing and peaceful, all rolled into one.

And I often think animals are better than people, so I like seeing seals and dolphins.

I like that I can drive inland a couple of minutes and see sheep.

’ I laugh. ‘There’s an owl sanctuary nearby too.

I don’t know if I’m making sense or just sleep deprived. ’

‘You’re making total sense,’ Alex says.

‘Might I see bears on this trip?’

‘Bears? Not on the train.’ She chuckles and adds, ‘You might when you hit Vancouver Island. Although they may all be hibernating.’

I pick at a loose thread of wool on the blanket, thinking of Tonia. She likes to hibernate in winter, also.

‘Do your family live in Cornwall?’

It’s an innocent question, and in hundreds of similar ways I’ve answered this before, so I don’t mind. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still cause my heart to let out a dull throb.

‘Actually, my parents both passed away, a few years back.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Thank you. It’s fine. I’m fine...’

Alex reaches across the aisle and rests a hand on my shoulder for a breath or two. ‘So now you just like to hang out with seals and owls. I get it.’

I smile. ‘That’s right.’

‘You know,’ she says, sitting up straighter, excitement flashing in her eyes like the stars have dropped out of the sky.

‘If you want to see polar bears there’s a great train that leaves Winnipeg tomorrow evening and travels up to Churchill.

The polar bears are usually only viewable until late November but the reports are that they’re around still this year. ’

‘You mean, get off this train? Not go to Vancouver?’

‘Just an idea. If nature makes you happy, that’s a pretty spectacular trip.’

But... leave the train? Forget about Bryn? That isn’t the plan.

Alex stands up, stretching her arms out to the side, and shakes loose her dark hair. ‘I’m just throwing it out there. This “Ember-without-Bryn” sounds like she’s got a few things figured out, and she might just find herself having a good time. I’m going to go to bed.’

She looks at me, her eyes find mine again in the dark, and we lock together. My heart stumbles a little, and she lets out another little laugh, tapping me on the shoulder again.

‘Goodnight.’

‘But we didn’t talk about you?’

‘We have thousands of kilometres to cover,’ she says. ‘Unless you leave me for the polar bears.’

I wish her goodnight and sit back to gaze up at the stars again. I’d forgotten how nice it feels to flirt a little. But a flirtation is one thing, and I’m thinking about the one who might be the one. I can’t get off the train.

Can I?