Page 37 of The Christmas Express

Joss

I hate seeing them together, even after all these years. The little looks between them, the flushed cheeks, the longing gazes when the other isn’t watching, the body heat that radiates from them when they ‘find’ themselves next to each other.

It should have been me. It could have been me.

I didn’t want to feel this way at Christmas. I didn’t want to act this way. I’m mean and sharp and pushing everyone away all because of my stupid ego.

I’m alone in my compartment, the door pulled closed.

Sara is somewhere, she didn’t tell me where, and I didn’t ask, after I made everyone feel shit at the wine tasting.

I just had to try and take a dig, didn’t I?

But Joe was pushing my buttons – again – and it’s infuriating.

Outside the door there’s still faint festive music playing, and beyond the window the snow is so plump and thick it’s all I can see, even the trees are becoming obscured.

I’m so fucking lonely.

What was it I read in that self-help book, again? Something about taking responsibility for your own emotions.

There’s a knock on my compartment door and I lift myself off the chair, shaking away the sadness and pasting my aloof face back on. But when I open the door, I soften.

‘Hey,’ says Luke.

‘Hi.’

‘Just wanted to check in on you?’

That’s so Luke. Always checking in. Quietly observant.

Kind and thoughtful. I used to fool myself into thinking it was reciprocated romantic feelings, but when he and Cali arrived for our holiday in Spain, I realised I’d had it all wrong.

Like an absolute tool. I’m pretty sure I then acted like exactly that.

‘I’m fine,’ I say now.

‘You sure?’

I study him for a moment. I’ve always wondered if he knew how I felt about him.

Then I’ve let myself get mad about what the hell he thought was so special about him that he could play with two of his friends’ hearts.

Then I’ve felt bad because he did nothing wrong, really.

She did though, because Cali knew how I felt before she took the plunge and hooked up with him.

And was it worth it? They didn’t even last a fortnight.

‘I’m fine, just a little... it’s weird being away from home for Christmas, isn’t it? ’

‘Everything’s weird,’ he says with a laugh, and it draws a smile from me, too. ‘It seems everyone’s going to have another crack at a cracking Christmas and throw some kind of snowed-in party up in the celestial carriage in a while. You going to come?’

I hesitate. ‘I guess so.’

‘Come on, it’s Christmas.’

Our conversation dries up a little, but he looks relaxed, normal, comfortable and my heart pulls in on itself because any tension I feel in the silence is one-sided, and it always has been.

‘How are you coping so well with all of this?’ I wave my hand in the general area of the entire train.

‘Alright. Kind of odd seeing Cali again. We were so close and now it’s completely different. But also a little bit not.’

‘Does your girlfriend know about her?’ It comes out of my mouth like grit on an icy road.

He stumbles on his words and stands up straighter. ‘Um, no, well, there’s nothing to know, really.’

I take a breath and retreat a little into my room. ‘I’ll see you at the party, okay?’

He pauses, looking at me, his brow furrowed, but after a minute he nods and heads off with a wave.

I slump back down in my seat. The snowstorm is getting worse. Am I, too?