Page 39 of The Casualty of Us (Philosophies of the Heart Duet #1)

Chapter Twenty

I’m lying in my bed awake on the last night of school, knowing that I’m too worked up to try and go to sleep.

Too unsettled by the prospect of going home for an entire summer.

Staring around a room that seems more like my safe space now than the place I came from and wondering what will have changed the next time I see its walls.

Because it seems like everything and nothing has somehow changed in the time I’ve been here.

Our whole little group having fallen back into some semblance of what we had at the start of the year after that day I spent in Hayes’s closet.

Closing that gap that opened up after everything. Mostly.

The wind picks up outside, and I run my eyes along the edges of the shadows of the tree branches whipping around the ceiling.

Wondering what it’s going to be like to be away from these people that somehow seem necessary to me now.

Marley with her teasing and quiet determination.

Holden with his steadfastness and growing attitude.

Graham’s smirks that are always waiting for me to be ready to deal.

Hell, I might even miss Lisette and her snarky quips too after an entire semester of sitting next to her.

Everything about these last couple of months has seemed to rush by, though.

All of it, from studying to finals to course selections for next year, has all passed in the blink of an eye.

Probably because I’ve devoted a solid amount of time to making sure that my mind got all the sleep necessary to work through whatever might be lingering up there still.

Not that anything else has felt like popping out.

But Hayes…

Thunder rumbles in the distance and I jolt with my heart tripping over itself because I know he’s the thing that’s unsettling me the most tonight. The thing that doesn’t quite fit with the others. That won’t fit in any shape I try to give him.

Things still aren’t the same between us completely.

Every moment with him somehow seems like one step forward before the next pulls us two back.

He showed up with my tea order the morning after closetgate, but I already had one.

I tried to sit with him one day at the library, but some girl showed up before I could get there, and that knocked the wind right out of my sails.

He went silent anytime Graham came around.

I pretended not to hear when we ran into Josey at the Ruins one time.

Kind of just existing, I guess, orbiting each other’s spheres.

Careful not to brush too close in case of collision but unable to escape the gravity of the pull either. Stitching myself back together and watching him study me doing so. As if he’s learning as much through the observation of me as the books I keep tossing his way.

And as much as I’ve needed it…I’ve hated it too.

This sense that something’s missing. As if everything about us is almost what it should be but just isn’t quite there. He isn’t quite there because I can’t fit him anywhere. Every interaction is missing something that my mind unhelpfully reminds me is critical.

All of it leaves me with a perpetual scowl on my face and battling an unsettling kind of wistfulness. Every damn time I walk away from him.

“Maybe you can’t let it go because that would mean letting go of me too.”

I scowl up at the ceiling as his words circle around my head for about the thousandth time.

“And maybe…you’re not supposed to do that.”

But where does that leave us then?

Because that’s what I still can’t wrap my head around. Telling him goodbye tomorrow morning and spending an entire three months stewing in this almost.

But I also can feel it every time I look in Ollie’s eyes now…the way we’re both pretending we can’t feel that line in the sand I put between us because of him.

Because of a guy whose actions contradict themselves.

Another rumble of thunder comes a little closer this time, and my phone lights up on the nightstand.

Drawing my eyes to where a new message sits waiting on the screen and I’m just close enough to make out Hayes’s name.

It has me reaching out from under the covers to grab it with my heart trying to pick up its pace and tapping the message while ordering it to calm the fuck down.

You up?

I stare for a long moment before my eyes are drawn to the ones above it that I never responded to.

The time stamp to the latest one clearly shows me that it’s already one in the morning, which means that this is most likely a…

personal call, or message, or whatever. I purse my lips while tapping my fingers against the back of the phone with indecision before that wistfulness has me typing back. Pushing me to do something. Anything.

Yeah.

Arguing with myself that since I didn’t say anything more, I’m not really culpable here…just answering a question.

Kind of like if someone hypothetically asked me how to get rid of a body. Or overwhelm a populace. Or if I hypothetically might be committing fraud on a steady basis for him now. Does it really count if no one ever finds out and no one gets hurt who doesn’t deserve it? Like a tree falling in the—

The little bubbles start up right away, and I suck in breath, my heart picking up again in my chest despite my order to calm down.

Can I come in?

I drop the phone with my brows falling into a scowl, eyes landing on the door a second before it opens and his shadowy form slips in. Not wasting any time in closing it behind him and turning around just as I manage to snap out. “I didn’t say yes!”

“Shh!” he whispers back, lifting a hand to wave me down. “You’ll wake Marley up.”

My eyes drop to where a pair of dark sweatpants are hanging low on his hips before I jerk them back up to frown. “I could’ve been naked.”

“Uh.” He stops, his head tipping to the side in the moonlight. “Are you?”

I push the covers back just enough to reveal the blue top of the pajama set I’m wearing. “No, and don’t think I can’t hear the hopefulness.”

“Damn.” He starts moving again, closing the distance to my bed, and I track him with my stomach flipping over itself. Not stopping and instead turning into a full-on flutter when he comes to stop on the side closest to me and nudges the mattress with his knee. “Got room for one more?”

I blink at him, more than a little caught off guard but also knowing I’m not going to say no. Not after everything this year, and especially not tonight.

Because I replied, didn’t I?

“Yeah,” I whisper, clearing my throat and dropping my eyes to scoot over while pulling back the covers. “Come on in.”

A long moment passes before he sits down, pulling his legs up and sliding them under the covers as I resituate myself.

Rolling onto my side, I nestle into the pillow while bringing my eyes back in time to catch him lying down.

He pulls the covers back up over us as he does and turns his head my way immediately.

Hazel locking with the blue and leaving a tension spiking between us that pushes me to guess…

“You stole Ollie’s key.”

Trying to fill it with something instead of giving in.

“Yeah,” he sighs back. “Couldn’t sleep and figured you were up too.”

“That’s a given.” I lift my lips with a quick grin. “Why can’t you sleep?”

He shrugs. “Anxious, I guess.”

“About the summer?”

“Yeah.” He nods, tilting his head back toward the ceiling suddenly. “It’ll be the most time we’ve ever spent together.”

My brows fall with concern at his obvious nerves, and it has me pressing gently. “But you like your dad, right?” Not liking the idea of sending him off to someone completely incompetent. “He’s not like your mom?”

Plus, rock stars are supposed to have babysitters too. Lots of them.

Surely he can spare a few for his progeny.

“Yeah, yeah.” He reaches up, running his hand through the top of his hair. “It’s just usually in shorter doses where he can get back to his regularly scheduled life.”

He’s scared.

And honestly…I don’t blame him, but that’s also not going to help him right now.

“Hayes,” I start softly, reaching a hand out from under the covers to flick him on the nose and waiting until his surprised eyes find mine to grab the one in his hair.

“He wouldn’t have invited you if he didn’t want you there, silly.

” There’s nothing but confidence in my voice when I wind our fingers together and give him a squeeze.

“Now stop being a sad little rock star baby and tell me something.”

He scoffs up something that might be a laugh, but it’s enough for now. “What’s that?”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“My favorite color?” he echoes with obvious amusement.

“I don’t know.” I give him a small shrug. “Don’t you think it’s weird we’ve gone an entire year without knowing each other’s favorite colors?”

A long moment passes before he rolls over, bringing our hands up between us and exhaling slowly. “Blue.” The single word is quickly followed up by a tease that has his voice dropping. “My favorite color is blue, Ophelia Sage, what about you?”

I purse my lips at the full name but let it go, telling him truthfully instead, “Depends on my mood, but usually green.”

“Light green?”

“No.” I wrinkle my nose. “Forest green.”

He squints at me with a quirk of his lips. “Didn’t take you for a nature girl, Freckles.”

“I’m not.” I correct with a small scoff. “But I do like to appreciate it from the comfort of a nice cabin.”

“Hmm.” His eyes narrow a bit more like he’s imagining it. “That fits.”

“Probably with a book in hand.”

“Making me read too.”

“Oh, you’re there?” I laugh, knowing I’m toeing the line, but…

“Of course.” His dimples flash, and another beat passes before he tacks on softly, “Wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

The statement hangs somewhere between where our gazes are meeting, and I drop mine at it before he starts again. “I finished it.”

I take a quick breath to force my eyes back up, finding that intensity in his again. “What?”

“ Hamlet .”