Page 17 of The Casualty of Us (Philosophies of the Heart Duet #1)
“You know,” I whisper instinctually, drawing his gaze back up to mine and following the urge blindly.
“There are these times in life when I can be really brave. Moments when I just know what to do. How to get what I want. Like with Graham and the party. It’s been there for as long as I can remember, that part of me.
” My lips lift a little with the memory before falling quickly.
“I’m good at it, love it even, reading a person or situation and understanding all the hidden facets.
It used to be like that all the time for me.
” I suck in a quick breath, automatically correcting.
“ I used to be like that all the time, never faltered, always followed the instinct. But now there’s these moments when…
” My face pinches up at the reality that I’m finally voicing to him.
“I don’t know, it’s like something random will happen and then suddenly the bottom is falling out and I can’t move. ”
I trail off softly with the confession, and he holds completely still, his hazel eyes steady on my blue ones and giving me enough space to breathe out the rest.
“I’m paralyzed. Mind tripping over that same moment.
” His hand squeezes around mine, and I clear my throat to keep going.
“I think that’s what scares me the most some days.
The after of it all. The second-guessing.
Whether to trust the girl who always followed her instincts, sometimes too far, or…
” I look down at our hands, tightening my own as that knot in my chest seems to twist. “Or to live with the girl whose mind failed her when it mattered most. The one who never saw it coming. The girl whose instincts were completely silent when her brother asked her if they should go grab some ice cream.” I force my gaze back up, finding a barely guarded sadness in the hazel now and finishing a little unevenly. “That’s the hardest part for me.”
Our eyes stay locked in the silence that follows, minutes sliding away and fingers clasped tightly together before he turns his head to look at the ceiling again.
“It’d been about two weeks.” He taps his thumb against my hand.
“About two weeks without any word from her. I’d tried calling every day, but she never answered.
Not even when I threw a party around day ten and she sent security to make sure things didn’t get out of hand. ”
My brows fall at his words, and they have me needing to clarify. “Your mom?”
Because as little as he talks about his dad…his mom has been spoken of even less. My only info about her came from Marley mentioning she used to be a model or something.
“Yeah,” he sighs, nodding at the ceiling.
“It honestly wasn’t anything out of the usual, but she had already missed my graduation and I was just so fucking angry this time.
That she could keep enough tabs on me to know I was having a party but couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the damn phone.
” I squeeze his hand again, and he immediately returns the gesture.
“Then a week became two and all these pap shots of her were coming out, so I just…”
And his silence has me finishing for him. “Stole a car.”
“Stole a car,” he agrees, finally turning his head back to look at me and seeming surprised by what he finds there. “What?”
“Nothing,” I choke out, pressing my lips together to keep it contained before shrugging. “Seems like a reasonable thing to do to me.”
His eyes flick down to where my lips are pressed together again before coming back to mine. “Fuck off.” He laughs quietly, giving the giggles permission to burst free from my lips. “I’m baring my soul here, okay?”
“Oh–oh–my god.” I cackle. “I gave you my whole sad kidnapping story and—” A very indelicate snort of laughter interrupts me before I rally enough to get out, “And all you have is that you stole a car because no one was paying attention to you?”
“Point made.” He grins at me with a shake of his head. “And you didn’t tell me your whole sad kidnapping story.”
“Minor detail.” I snort again, waving a hand at him.
“You got enough of it, and all I got was the sad, sad secret life of rock star bab—eek!” A screech leaves me when he suddenly pulls me against his chest, unwinding our fingers to slide his arm under my head, and I can’t help scooching even closer, soaking up all that cedar scent before murmuring into his chest. “I thought you said there would be no leading?”
“I’m not.” He brings his other hand up to start running his fingers over the lines of my face and I turn my head for him. “I decided we’re going to bed instead of you continuing to beat up on me.”
“You love it.” I grin.
“Debatable,” he scoffs. “But we can save that one for class next week. It’ll be way more lively than what you’ve been picking.”
My eyes flutter shut as he continues to make soft little passes over my skin, moving down my face slowly and making me start to drift off to dreamland. Realizing as I do just how perfect my normal girl night has been, it’s enough to have me pushing for more. “Hey, Hayes.”
“Yeah?”
“What if I want you to kiss me?”
His fingers stop, chest stilling instantly under my head before he breathes again. “Not yet.”
I start to scowl, but his fingers are already moving again, smoothing it out and leaving me to yawn. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“Okay,” I sigh, snuggling down some more. “By the way…I’m sorry your mom is a bitch.”
“Me too, O.” He laughs quietly. “Me too.”
I start to drift off with a little grin on my lips and almost miss his quiet promise.
“Sleep, Freckles, I’ve got you.”